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    Loving With My Fingers Crossed – (Chapter: You Shouldn’t Think What You’re Feeling)

    Just like a picture, silence can also say more than thousand words. Than millions of them. We can talk through eyes. Through hands. Through signs. If we were forced, we could last a lifetime without speaking. Many do. Thousands do. Millions do. I sometimes wish I was one of them. It would be easier. You’d never end up being in a situation where you’d have to explain your choice of words. You’d never say the wrong things. You wouldn’t have to worry about stuttering. But of course, there is a downside. There always is. Silence never lies.

    She’s looking and I know what she’s seeing. But she’s not speaking. She’s not saying anything. Neither am I. I know why she’s here. I know why it’s raining outside. I suddenly know everything. And she knows that I do. This moment doesn’t need our ears. This moment doesn’t need our voices. We’re speaking through silence. And she knows that I hear her. She knows that I’m listening.

    She’s touching me now. Her hand against my cheek. Her fingers grazing my lips. She’s crying. I know why she’s crying. I know why she’s here. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should comfort her. Here eyes are telling me no. So I don’t. I sit in front of her. On my own bed. In my own house. Listening to her goodbyes. Listening through her hands. Her eyes. Her heartbeat. She knows that I know. That I know what she’s doing. She knows I’m trying to stop her. She knows I forgive her. She knows everything. Because I’m saying it. I’m shouting it. I’m screaming my eyes out for her to understand it. My hands out. My heartbeats out. Everything out. All in silence. And she’s hearing me. Turning away.

    I grap her wrist. I’m not letting her leave. I’m crying too now. She can’t watch it. She can’t stand it. I cup her face. I kiss her lips. It’s desperate. It’s hungry. She can feel it. I’m telling her it is. I’m saying it with my whole body. She’s crying harder. I grasp harder. Pulling her closer.

    She’s kissing me back. Her hands are in my hair. My hand is in her. She shuts her eyes. I never stop looking. I’m taking it all in. Every word. Every feeling. Every remaining touch. I suddenly know everything but I don’t want to listen. She know that I don’t. She’s kissing me harder. I’m paying attention to the quiet moans. Her hands still in my hair. My hand still inside her. This moment doesn’t need our ears. This moment doesn’t need our voices. This moment only need us. And we’re here. Cutting the line. Breaking the waves. Closing in time. Loving through silence. Tasting its words. Saying our goodbyes.

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