Here we go, I was grounded until further notice. I hated that, why couldnt she just make up her mind and mold the consequences accordingly. Im so disappointed in you! What else was new right? I was never good enough for her and the only time she really cared was when she wasnt drinking and going through her mommy dearest phase. This kind of stuff could scar you forever! she yelled and I rolled my eyes. It already had, of course she doesnt know how really. But she wouldnt be bothered to ask the right questions, she needed to hear herself talk. I cant trust you to make good decisions. Oh god here it comes, no more car Give me your car keys, and youre allowed no phone privileges as well. Again I rolled my eyes and tossed my keys towards her, whatever, its not like I didnt know she was going to put them in the kitchen cabinet, and who did I really need to talk to on the phone? The problem with being grounded is that it gives you a whole bunch of unavoidable time to think. Not even helping pull weeds can take away the ability to plot all of the varied and wonderful things you might do to get even, or at least to make up for time lost doing yard work, house cleaning and watching TV. Time which couldve been better spent camping with slightly annoying friends, partying with great-looking new friends and expanding some brain cells with the monster. She cut me loose two weeks before I was about to start school. Yea the local community college let me enroll late; my mom went and explained that there was a family problem. (Maybe I shouldve gone to Bette then in retrospect, maybe I shouldve escaped as soon as I got back and had a carbut well come to that when we come to that.) Anyway, two weeks before I started school mom gave me her credit card and dropped me off for some shopping fun. I still wasnt allowed to have my car considering shed let Greg use it. I guess the shopping was her way of apologizing for the ***** things shes done without really having to say it. It didnt matter much to me and I figured some new clothes and a few tunes might just improve my sour outlook as she liked to call it. I usually hate trying on clothes but I was finally free and I planned to make an all day affair out of this one; including Victorias Secretguess who I ran into. The Great Valley High Varsity cheerleaders, all buying new bras and panties to shape those tight tanks and sweaters. I waved to Gavins sister and then pretended to browse, watching them yak a hundred miles a minute and I knew my suspicions were confirmed. Those goody-goody girls flipping cartwheels and pert little ponytails, most definitely had accelerated their metabolisms right? But how was the question. I pondered over this while I picked out my own underwear and I was handing the saleswoman my moms card I felt a tap on my shoulder. Hey Sadie, can I see your panties? She scared the ***** out if me, she being Gwen. Then I remembered what she said to me and forced my head to think if a witty comeback and not look like a stuttering fool. Uh, old or new? She smirked Either or, better yet, how bout both? Whats up? Where have you been? It was like shed been looking for my since the Wild Waters incident, like I was avoiding her. You havent been avoiding me have you? Why would I? Shes definitely cute, and therere a whole bunch of fringe benefits as well. I explained about the tattoo thing. If you really wanna piss her off, try a piercing. Wanna see mine? I scanned her face for study, lips, ears, tongue; then let my eyes travel south to check out other options. I couldnt tell just from eye sight. Did it hurt? Like a mother, she nodded, but it feels awesome now. She guided my hand a little lower than her zipper. Tina recoiled. Sadie, well Sadie was Sadie much to Gwens pleasure. She laughed and grabbed my hand. So you wanna go for a ride? My cars outside. I was about to protest, I had serious shopping to do, and Sadie or no Sadie, I really wasnt about to do Gwen Chase and get mixed up in THAT drama. No strings, I just want to get to know you better. Ive heard that before. I was about to give her a definite no when she sweetened the deal a bit, Ive got a little beak, if youre so inclined. Did it show? I mean okay Id thought about the monster, dreamed about it, lusted for it, regretted knowing it, but I hadnt touched it in almost a month. I hadnt even seen it. I thought it might me over. So was it still alive in me? Could it still have such a hold on me? We drove down by the river and parked close to a few trees. Its strange how intensely desire builds when the monster awaits at the far end of a drive. On the way I learned that for a bad girl Gwen was really smart, Webster would envy her vocabulary, she was up on current events, she could quote Keats: Give me women, wine, and snuff No mirrors, no blades, she reached deep inside her pocket and bulled out an amber bottle with a little spoon attached to the lid. She set it on her knee. Hey, youre shaking. Youre not scared are you? We dont have to do this or do anything at all. We can just sit and talk if you want. Im not afraid. Not of her, not with her. In fact I felt safe, who wouldve thought. It was the monster desire that was making me tremble. Gwen noticed. Take it easy with this stuff. It brings good people to their knees. Dont get me wrong I love it too, just keep cool okay? One spoon and I was cool, two I was too cool, three I was Sub-Arctic, four and my mouth hit monster mode. Gwen could barely keep up. We talked about everything; good girls, bad girls, smothering ex alcoholic moms, disappearing moms, stepfathers, obnoxious fathers, little brothers, brothers with big footsteps, freshman year, artists, poets, tattoos, piercings, ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, dreams, doubts, punishment, loneliness, old friends, new friends, being *****, losing friends, desire, addiction, Tina, Sadie. I had to explain about Sadie/me. By then she already asked to kiss me and I let her because I really wanted her to, it wasnt like the first time I kissed a girl, no one could be as good as Bette and I kept thinking that if these are the thoughts Im having why dont I go find her, but now I know that I wasnt meant to yetagain Im getting off track with the whole story telling thingAnyway, it wasnt like that kiss, it wasnt even one of my best. But it was pretty fine and the fact that she asked me will make that kiss stand out in my mind; touch my heart and make me remember a kiss so tender that I cried. She held me, smoothed my hair, and I asked her to kiss me again so she did; over and over until I thought we might melt together fused by kisses. It that quite hot moment a park ranger cruised by and took a good long look. Maybe we should go. I should get back anyway. My mom will wonder if I dont spend enough of her money. I can always help, she smiled. As we drove she shifted me closer and rested her hand on my knee letting it slip between my legs. Can I see you again? Anytime Gwen. Funny, anytime? A month or so back and I wouldve been scared out of my mind of this girl. Soon? As soon as I could break away from my moms watchful eye. She was just getting okay with the ***** thing, and okay Bettes sweet and gorgeous, not at all a dark and brooding bad girl like Gwen. She definitely wasnt moms type. Was she mine? I like you Tina. I like you too. I did, she wasnt like I had imagined, she was smart, intuitive. Or do I like Sadie? Even if she did ask hard questions, jetting on the monster in spectacular fashion I didnt know how to answer. It doesnt matter. Whats in a name? That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet. Gwen Chase and William Shakespeare; talk about your strange bedfellows, but I was in like for that mnage a trois. Gwen wanted to walk around the mall with me but I knew I wouldnt get much shopping done if I went on a kissing spree. Heres a word of advice for you. Never shop on crank. Your brain moves beyond the speed of light as you wander through a familiar store. First you cant find Juniors, once you finally find it you need to go to the restroom first, then you get all turned around again. Then you can barely take it all in; size, styles, colors, trends. Everything looks great on those goofy ***** mannequins so its got to look better on you right? You grab an armful and stumble into the dressing room, try on all those clothes and nothing you like fits. So you leave silk and velour and suede behind; settling for two identical pairs of jeans. The you hustle off to the next store repeating the process, only this time your left with a couple of tees exactly like the ones you wore last year. When you realize this you laugh your butt off but dont really want to hassle with returns or exchanges so you decide to accessorize instead. A second piece of advice, if shopping for clothes on crank is bad, trolling for jewelry, belts, and shoes is something just this side of insane. Suspenders? Uh, dont think so. Nikes, Vans, Doc Martins? One of each? Maybe next time. Scrunchies, barrettes, berets? Ebb the golden flow of hair. No thanks. I was stressing over earrings when a hand touched my shoulder. I thought you were going to call. Nate, *****, both of them in one day? It was almost too much to consider although Sadie found the prospect quite intriguing. So I had to explain the whole grounded thing again. Todays the first day she cut me loose. He nodded, Sounds like a reason to party. Now THAT was funny. But it was time to go home, and I needed to catch my ride. Since Nate was my moms type, mainly male and clean cut and gainfully employed, I let him walk me out. Mom was parked right in the front. Is she always so punctual? I laughed like he was the funniest guy alive, promised to call, and wondered what the ***** was upwith me that is. I lost a girlfriend, to gain another one, only to loose her, and gain a girlfriend and a boyfriend? And how could I possibly want both of these two, opposite squares on the chessboard. Total opposites. Wow, your moms fine. Okay that was gross. I had to live with my mom (at least until I found a job that didnt interfere with school), obey her rules, accept her punishment. But I would never accept that she was my competition. Of course not as fine as you. Good, thats what I thought. Obviously she was excited and wanted to know all about him. I told her what I knew, trying not to talk too fast of too much. Hes really cute. Oh look at that, mutual attraction. I almost said something but shut my mouth. Did he ask you out? I guess in a manner of speaking. Out. In. I doubted he was a picky guy. He seems like a nice boy. Seeming and being are two different things. I mean you seem nice too, mommy dearest. Anyway, did you find any clothes? I showed her what I bought and she smiled. At least youre consistent. I had to laugh, imagine if she knew how consistent I was being, I doubt speeding with the monster is consistent in her eyes. Little inconsistent me could barely look at dinner, so I told mom I had eaten at the mall. What? What, what? What did you eat? My brain was going to fast I couldnt stay on a single thought. Uh stir-fryfast food Chinese. Did you eat your veggies? Oh *****, here I was busting my brain on first-class speed and she only cared that I consumed my greens? Cause you cant stay smart if you only eat junk. Stay smart? I needed to get smart first and it wasnt about to happen holding hands with the monster. Besides, vegetables give a girl a healthy glow. So I wasnt glowing? Then again even if I was I dont think it would be considered healthy. Still, she didnt insist that I eat with them. Its only leftovers. Oha uhm.well a letter came for you today.