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    Not Going Anywhere – (Chapter: And Then the Sun Will Rise)

    Story written on December 7, 2009 by mikiiip.
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    Number of Comments: 1
    Words: 4210
    Story Shortlink: https://www.assertive-maroon-jellyfish.104-250-143-187.cpanel.site/?p=21081
    Author Notes:

    You know that feeling when you hear about something, and then you start to see or hear about it everywhere? Now imagine that every time you saw whatever it is you’re your stomach does somersaults, your heart twists and swells, and you feel like you’re floating among the stars. That’s kind of what it was like having Ashley back in my life.

     

     

    Chapter 12 – And Then the Sun Will Rise

     

                You know that feeling when you hear about something, and then you start to see or hear about it everywhere? Now imagine that every time you saw whatever it is you’re your stomach does somersaults, your heart twists and swells, and you feel like you’re floating among the stars. That’s kind of what it was like having Ashley back in my life.  Well, physically in my life anyway, because she never left mentally, despite my desperate attempts to evict her. Ever since the day we decided to be friends I was seeing her everywhere. I wondered how I even went all those months inhabiting the same school without having seen her once.

    Regardless, now it was Friday two weeks later, the last day of classes, and I had seen her at least once each day. Thankfully, not in detention – as far as I could tell, straight edge anti-delinquent Spencer was back. Sometimes I passed her in the halls, though, and she would flash me a telling smile. In it I could see everything: a friendly greeting, genuine happiness to see me, and gratefulness to have me back in her life. It was one of those looks that made physical words disposable. I still obviously sat with Avery at lunch, but I’d often see Ashley from across the room and wave happily. She’d wave back just as enthusiastically, despite the fact that she was nearly always sitting alone. I witnessed Aiden trying to sit with her a few times and each time she declined his company. It made me a little sad to see her alone each day, but she really didn’t seem to mind her solitude. Sometimes during homeroom there would be enough time to have a short conversation, in which we usually talked about shallow things – our classes, college plans (which she hadn’t formulated yet), and other current things. I loved being able to talk with her freely, but at the same time it always felt a bit like we were walking on eggshells. Our mouths formed certain words, but our eyes spoke completely different ones. It was as if we communicated our true affections inside our gaze. At the back of my mind lay a fear, though, a fear that at a certain point this indirect closeness wouldn’t be enough at all. I was almost afraid to engage into deep or emotional conversation for fear that we might rock the boat that now floated so contentedly. In a way, it was a blessing that my schedule forbade me from seeing her too often – it bought me more time. Also beneath everything was the hurt that still burned deep inside of me. Despite my eagerness to see her each day, I still hadn’t forgiven her, nor leaned to trust her (but that wasn’t coming anytime soon). Sometimes I’d fall back into my melancholy mood, terrified of the fact that I was slowly but surely letting back in the one who had ripped me apart. For the most part though, the pains that had tugged at me incessantly for all of these months were becoming dulled. It was as if my daily dose of her was like a drug, numbing the pain by distracting me with a strange new happiness. While we were on these good and lofty terms, I could maintain that. As long as I could keep this bandaid on, I was okay. I knew it wouldn’t last forever, but this was the best I had felt in a long time. For now, I steered clear of anything that might provoke an emotional response from either of us. I felt that was appropriate, given that we’d been on speaking terms for about two weeks.

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