“I also want you to know” she took a deep breath. “You can talk to her if you need to. Ashley, I mean. If it will help you, I want you to do it.”

            The mention of Ashley’s name burned my eardrums. I made a mental motion to dismiss that she had said anything. Ashley would not ruin the end of this night for me. 

Before I had a chance to say anything else, she leaned in and kissed me. When she began to pull away I nearly grabbed her and pulled her back, but I restrained myself.

            “goodnight,” she breathed into my face, enflaming my nerves once more.

            “night,” I replied, truly stymied in her warm presence. She climbed into her car and drove away slowly, leaving me with only the moon and the distant sound of crickets.

I would say that the high lasted for about an hour. By the time quarter of eleven had rolled around, it was as if I had sobered up from my sweet intoxication. While I reflected on tonight with the fondest of sentiments, new nerves accompanied them. Ashley stole back into the recesses of my mind, as she always did, and tormented me, finding a way to twist even the loveliest of memories into new fears.

The new knowledge of Avery’s real past haunted me. The sympathy pain still seared in my chest, but now an anxiety dominated my lungs, causing my breath to become shallower and faster.

What if I had cheated on her? What would have happened? The thought of hurting her that way caused my head to reel. The idea that anyone could hurt such a beautiful person disturbed me, let alone if it was me that did the hurting. What if I had done to her what Carmen did to her? What Ashley did to me? My mind commanded my breath to slow – any faster and I would be hyperventilating.

I had looked at my missed call from Kyla about 7 times in the last half hour. Even though I’d seen it, I kept hoping that maybe it would just go away and leave me without the temptation of hitting the send button.

Avery deserved my whole mind and my whole heart. She couldn’t have them if she had to share with Ashley.  I wanted Avery. She had done so much for me, I owed it to her.

This rationale didn’t stop the phone from staring at me from my desk. I deliberated on my next move, paralyzed in my own indecision. Inert.