Those days are gone though…… not that my dad was ever around much besides that one time, but that one time I saw my dad as this amazing guy with all the power in his hands because he could hold a gun, and even fire a shotgun with no problem. In my eyes he was superman, as cleche as that sounds.

I pick the gun up in my hand and notice that the safety is on…… and now I think about how stupid I was to shake the box. What if the safety wasn’t on? It could have gone off and I would have shot my ownself. I could have died just then……. huh……. that doesn’t seem to matter too much to me. Why should it? My dad doesn’t care about me, my mom only wants me when a boyfriend thinks it’s sweet she has a kid, and Spencer tricked me, played with my head. The things that should matter in my life don’t any more.

Maybe it’s the alcohol, but I feel a millions times more worthless than ever. Maybe I’m just wasting air, air that others need more than me, more air for Spencer in the end. I must be such a drag on her life, the shit I’ve seen and done….. she’d never understand, I know. She never gets angry, but I know she doesn’t understand why I felt compelled for it all to happen.

My hearts been ripped out. It’s not all Spencer’s fault though, she’s not the only thing in my life that has failed. Every relation, whether friendship or something as simple as a family has gone away. I can’t hold onto anyone who I love, they all just disappear. But Spencer, she never loses anything or anyone. Her family is amazing. I guess I’m just not much of a priority to god, I don’t need anyone or anything. Or maybe I’m just not supposed to feel. I should just give up these emotions. Alcohol doesn’t numb them long enough for the wounds to heal.

I’ve always wanted to give my heart to someone, deep down I did. I guess I’ll never do that now. I look to my upper thigh and see the scars that made my younger years easier. Yes, strong Ashley had a process to stay strong, and it involved the cold steel most people use to eat. My salvation was made inside those slits, inside the blood that could pour from my legs like nothing could stop it. Nothing could stop that blood, only I had the power. I controled the pain, I controled the blood, I controled what I felt then.