I have searched you everywhere, all bars, cafes, and clubs. I have called all people, everything who were our friends all you knew and even person whom I have never seen before in my life. Nothing, nobody even knew the least. I am afraid. What does if you come never again if I see never again you if something has happened and I it not even know, what if you need me and I am not there? I have to miss the first nights not slept because of fear if you come home. I listened in to the steps on the street, because these could be yours and then again rest. Oh, this condemns rest, I have hated them so much that I myself wanted to go out, they shout. I have used long to understand that it will not be your steps. And, nevertheless, every night before I fall asleep, I hear on the steps on the street and every night I fall asleep with the thought that you immediately walk in, me kisses affectionately, gets undressed and to me lays, takes me in the arm and all that was here only a bad dream.

Later then I have hated what you have done. Oh, no, I have not hated you, even if I have said this, but in pain one sometimes says things how a shout from my soul, are not in such a way as they sound. And I have not hated our life, although it was a lie!? No, I have hated what has done it from us, from me. I have hated this desolate empty feeling and many thousand questions in my head on his answers I wait till this day in vain.

Like every morning I dress, put my pocket on the small table in the hall and go to the kitchen. I take two cups from the cupboard – one for you, the other for myself. I fill both cups with coffee. While I take in a hurry the first gulp to neutralize the taste, my look about the culinary bar falls on the picture on the wall, the woman in Red. It was your favorite picture and looks at me day daily as if it wanted to say: Nevertheless, I am here Tina, here with you. This makes me furious: "If you are not Bette!" I shout to her against.

Why I cannot forget you. Oh, I have got to know some not to forget nice, successful, affectionate women, oh and marks, an affectionate, more carefully single father. It was so prudently with me and thus understanding. Oh and I was loved, carried on hands, shouted and left. Their hands on my body, her kisses, the smells and hot breath on the skin … it was nothing in comparison to him as you touched me. If I slept with them, I saw your face if I called up them, I heard your voice if we danced, these were your arms held me and if we laughed, and allowedly this was rare, then I heard your beaming laughter. This is I? I have hit this miraculous person before the head, if it has lied and cheated. Yes, cheated with you, with you in my heart. Oh Jesus, I hates what is I … without you. I need you so much, need the protection of your arms. I have felt so sure always, have rescued thus and thus protected in your nearness. And I cannot catch it, that just you …

You killed me!

Where are you?…