A part of my brain, as I began stroking myself, felt shame as it wondered if Alice knew what I was doing right now, in the same manner that I knew what Emmett and Rosalie were doing.  I tried not to dwell on this, or on the disgust I felt for myself that I could lose control so easily.

And all it took for my undoing was one exquisite, extraordinary creature with big brown eyes and the creamy skin of an angel.  I groaned, stroking myself harder toward my release as I remembered her writhing beneath me, her hands clutching at her own breasts, tangling in my hair.  My name spilling from her lips in breathy, lusty gasps . . .

It didn’t take me long.  With one final, guttural moan, my toxic seed spilled on the cold tiles to be washed away by the icy water.  I braced my forehead against the tiles, reveling in the relief I felt at having the tension released, but at the same time feeling shame wash over me at the thought of how weak I was.  How utterly lacking in self-control.  I could have killed Bella tonight.

With a sigh I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, drying and dressing quickly.  It wouldn’t happen again, I vowed.  I knew that I didn’t have the strength to stay away from her, but I would not put her life in jeopardy like that again.  I would simply have to be more careful from now on.  No more mistakes.

I decided, as I absently scanned the titles of my CDs, that I would pick her up for school as usual, and prayed to God, if He truly existed as Carlisle believed, to please, please let Bella forgive me for my appalling lack of self-control.  If I had to get down on my knees and beg her forgiveness, that’s what I’d do.

The selfish part of me, which was quickly proving to be the dominant part, craved her forgiveness – needed her forgiveness.  While the other part of me, the part that was becoming quieter still as the days in her presence passed, silently begged her to keep as far away from me as possible, for her own safety.

Selecting one of my favorite calming CDs, I placed it in the stereo, turned the volume up loud, and spread out across the floor as I allowed the music to wash over me.  It was a balm, soothing and calming my tumultuous mind.  Restoring my control.  Restoring my sense of self.

* * *

End Notes:  I hope you enjoyed.  For those readers who were disappointed that Edward and Bella didn’t actually make love in this fic, I wanted you to know that it was simply because I wanted to keep it as canon-compliant as possible while still making it smutty, and we all know (Breaking Dawn spoiler alert!!) that Edward and Bella don’t actually consummate their relationship until their honeymoon on Isle Esme.

I got the idea for this while reading the partial manuscript for Midnight Sun posted on Stephenie Meyer’s website, and partly from a scene that I read years ago in one of Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles.  I believe it was Memnoch the Devil.