It felt like she was watching the world though glass. Like Alice in Wonderland, looking through the Looking-Glass. Unable to decipher reality from what was going on in her head. She was unfamiliar with this, her head being nonsense and the world around her being what was real, that needed her. But Bette felt like she didn’t need the world, sometimes she felt like she didn’t need Tina. It was unbelievable how fast she was re-integrating herself back into society, into everything. Work was taking so much of her time; unbelievably she was promoted to associate director. The result of years of hard work, ass-kissing, and the resignation of the current associate director. Her new responsibilities were a big load and she took it seriously. She was still a bit jumpy, walking around the empty gallery early in the morning, eying the janitors suspiciously. It was bit better at home, though Tina was still not convinced of her mental health and still a bit angry and hurt at Bette’s indifference and inability to confide in her about it all. Truth was Bette wanted to put it behind her and she figured she did. Long hours working she hardly thought about that fateful day. That day that made her look Death in the eye, Bette didn’t think about it…but on that day, while Paxton was choking her…intending her to die…Bette had flashes of memory, she had forced herself to think of her father…the evenings of reading with him, her sister, the picture of her mom, walking home from school, being in a lecture for the first time. That was what she thought about. No big revelation, no epiphanies, just a quick flashback of insignificant memories while someone whose body she once loved was squeezing her neck inwards. It shaken her to the core, but now she hardly gave it a thought.

            She felt a bit lonely at home. There was an unspoken distance between her and Tina, because of her refusal to discuss the matter anymore. Bette closed the door in her mind and expected Tina to do the same. She just wanted to get on with their lives, their life together. Bette would pick up groceries, go home, go through the motions, kiss Tina hello…often times making love to her at night, sometimes in the morning. It was the one time where Bette firmly believed she was alive. No longer was she weirded out by another body, it’s softness and vulnerability…after seeing a head explode from a  single bullet…bodies mangled and bloody…it was hard to take sex seriously. But now it reaffirmed her place and conviction that life still existed. There was no death of birth, it was cyclical….sex was that affirmation. Her libido was high to be sure. She would kiss Tina’s shoulder while saying goodnight, kiss still further, tracing with her hand the lines and curves of her lover’s body. But one morning while eating her breakfast Tina said that Bette was distant while making love. Bette had looked up, a curious look on her face…”what?” you kidding”. Tina shook her head, “I’m serious Bette, you never look into my eye, you turn your head away when you come…when I come you look at me like I’m an experiment…it isn’t right, I want you….wounds and all, not this skeleton that walks around refusing to talk about her problems and looks like she is always looking in but not participating” Bette stared at her…then with a “fuck you” she left the house for work. She never felt so insulted in her life.