“How old are you Bette?”

“27″

“And how old were you when you married Paxton?”

“23″

“What compelled you to marry him?”

“I don’t want to talk about it”

“Ok…is there anything else you don’t want to talk about?”

“…..that day”

“Ok……now…what was going through your head during the next few days afterwards?”

“Nothing much really?”

“Nothing?”

“Not really nothing, more like I was watching but not really participating, more numb…disbelief I guess, I couldn’t even talk to my partner Tina”

“Did she try to talk with you about your feelings?”

“Of course, she would bring it up gently and I wouldn’t say anything, I wanted to disappear….I hated…myself”

“For saving your own life?”

“It felt like…afterwards, that there was nothing to save, I hadn’t done anything to change the world, or did any significant work…it was like my existence took up space and……”

“It’s ok to cry Bette”

“No it isn’t, not for me…”

“You’re a human being Bette; you have dreams, fears, loves, likes, dislikes, aspiration like anyone else. You matter….Bette I want you to say it…you matter”

“….”

“….”

“………..I matter”

“im so proud of you…you matter Bette, that’s why you were born, why you were raised as small child, to like and dislike…you learned to walk talk read speak…think….your thoughts”

“It’s hard to believe that when you kill a person”

“Yes it is…..its a long process but you will come out with flying colors…because you matter, look out how many people love you, your father, partner, sister…relatives, friends…even people who never even knew you…many have gone through the same thing and that outpouring of consolations and tales, do they mean anything to you?”

“Now they do, but it’s hard, it’s hard to think again properly…sometimes I just want to stop my mind from working so…”

“So?”

“So I don’t see those…those people….” (Bette felt a tear slide down, she quickly wiped it away…ashamed).

“Don’t feel that your mind doesn’t mean anything, it’s what helped you to survive”

“Stop”

“Ok……why don’t we pick up in two days ok? I want you now, to go home and write in your journal…make a list of all the things that make you Bette ok?”

“Ok”.

            That was the end of the session. Bette walked out of the office, out of the building into the car where Tina was waiting. Bette had asked to wait there; she felt low going to a therapist enough as it is. She got it and buckled up, not looking at her lover. She felt T’s hand on her thigh, she looked up…smiled a little. Tina smiled back, turned on the ignition and they sped away. That smile was bullshit, she wanted Tina to do more, to hold her and hug her. But she couldn’t expect more. Tina herself was strained from all what had happened. She was angry that Bette would try to commit suicide, with no thought of Tina. Bette couldn’t bring herself to say it was what Tina said that Bette want to do off with herself. They were closer now, but so far apart. Bette leaned back and closed her eyes. She felt the world go by without seeing.

            At home, on her bed, Bette opened her notebook. It was new and blank. Tina was cooking up a storm in the kitchen. She took her pen and put it on the paper. For what seemed hours she couldn’t move it, her head hurt…she sniffed a little bit then wrote one word. It took up the whole page, Bette closed the book and put it in her drawer, and she sniffed again, then put on her mask and left the room to go into the kitchen…………………..the word was MURDERER.