I’m not quite sure what just happened. Tina and I were talking and, for an instant, it was just the two of us. I was so drawn to her, and I believe her to me. Seconds later, I find myself dabbing at a swath of Merlot and see one silk blouse that’s beyond hope.

Jess is going on and on that she’s sorry. Based on the look on her face, I quite believe her.

Tina’s look is a little harder to read. While I’m certain that she feels some amount of responsibility, not that she needs to, it was an accident, there’s another part of her that seems poised to protect Jess should I say the wrong thing.

So this is what we’ve come to. Tina, ready to protect Jess from me.

Given our history, I suppose I deserve that. I admit that I’ve often reacted strongly to things in the past. This is one of the things that I’ve been working on, and find that I have more understanding for as time passes.

After all, when balanced against ***** up three lives, what’s a little wine stain?

Hopefully I can ease the situation, or at least keep Jess from spilling the tears that I see gathering.

“Jess, compared to any other mess you’ve made on me, this is far from the worst.”

It was an attempt at levity. Tina, however, remained tense. Jess continued to look faint.

“T, remember that time when I was late for a flight, and Jess was just starting on babyfood? Strained yams and turkey dinner, I think.”

I could see Tina concentrating on the memories. “She got sick all over your suit, and you didn’t have time to change before the flight.”

“I tried to cover it up with some perfume that I bought in the terminal. That was a mistake. The man I sat next to on that flight was going to climb out of the plane before we landed in Philly.”

While the attempt was to make both of them relax, I’m not sure it worked. For Tina, it probably just reminded her of the fact that my week-long excursion to Philly turned into three months.

Then there’s Jess. I can’t say I have any idea of what Jess is thinking right now. Except that it’s not good. She is not a poker player by any means; she mimics Tina in this respect. At least she’s not crying.

After placing the napkin back in my lap, I picked up my fork. “Anyway, where were we?”

First rule of sales is controlling your audience.

At this point, I’ve lost them.

Jess is still a blank slate to me. I thought for so long that the stories would be enough for me to experience what she’s like. Now I realize that anything that I received second-hand is akin to the part of the iceberg that sits above the water. There’s so much more to Tina’s daughter – my daughter, too, or so I’ve always thought – than any of the stories conveyed.

With Tina, she’s probably deciding now if I’m worth a chance based on past transgressions.

I can’t blame her.

There hasn’t been more than a day since we separated that I haven’t thought of her. I convinced myself that our being apart was for the best.

When Jess showed up on my doorstep and Tina followed in close succession, I realized how severely I deluded myself. It was like I locked away my heart and told myself that I could live without it.

For a time, yes, I was able to exist. I was able to lie to myself.

That’s the past. I see my present and my future sitting across the table from me.

Unfortunately, how can I close the deal if I’m losing my audience?

From what everyone has told me, and from what I’ve observed firsthand, Jess is at a point where she’s trying to assert her independence. She’s also, though, acting as Tina’s self-appointed protector.

I’m not sure if Tina even realizes how much Jess thinks it’s her responsibility to ensure her mother’s happiness. Or how Jess appears to want to protect her mother from me.

Tina, on the other hand, will make no move unless Jess has also bought into the idea.

The way to Tina is through Jess, and to Jess, through Tina. Their roles are set, as is their dependence on each other.

Can they make room for me, or did I seal my fate with the separation?

I can’t believe that I let myself become the outsider in my own family.

While I could place blame in so many places, it comes down to Tina and me. Did we not want to be a family enough to remain together? Or does the fault lie all with me?

So many nights I’ve spent, restless, trying to decide exactly what move took me off the board and out of the game. So much time second-guessing what I had done and said and how she responded.

My noble sentiments of so long ago have become my folly.

Those who I professed to help now look at me as if I’m some foreign entity, invading their sanctity. Perhaps it’s not that bad for Tina. She’s been rather receptive, which gave me any hope to begin with.

Was rather receptive, anyway.

I look expectantly at each of them, to see if either will answer my question. I guess the answer for where we are is lost in our own thoughts, whatever those might be.

“Jess, Tina, I was wondering if you wanted to join me for lunch tomorrow.”

“I’ve got homework.”

The answer comes a little too quick.

Tina shoots Jess a similar look of doubt, and gives her a nudge.

“What?” As if she’s unaware of the implication of her refusal.

So, does this mean that Tina will only attend if Jess comes along as our what? Our chaperone? Can it be that my life, my future, will be dictated by the whims of a teenager?

I’m now feeling a greater understanding of karma than ever before.

“Perhaps we can see if Alice or Shane can join us.” Let’s give them some allies, and see if things stack up differently.

No response. This might be a good sign.

“T, have you heard from Dana lately?”

“She’s been traveling with the tour. I think she’s out of town for a few weeks.”

Once Dana retired from the circuit, she took a job covering tennis, which still keeps her out on the road. I can relate to that. Dana ran to keep herself away from Alice’s marriage. I ran from my own.

At this point, I’m not sure what to do.

I don’t like that feeling.

(tbc)