It was a Thursday morning at the gallery and I was staring blankly at the art piece I had hung on the wall the day I moved into the premise. How is it that Im here and Tina is in LA? And why hadnt anyone told me about this that she hadnt been with Helena? And why hadnt she called me or write me? Its been a week since the opening of Colours. Surely the success would have given me much joy but the unexpected information I received from Helena was overwhelming. And to top it all off, I heard it from her when nobody cared to tell me. I was lost in my own thoughts that I didnt hear Rachel knocking on my door.

Rachel: Miss Porter?

Bette: Umm yeah come in sorry. What is it?

Rachel: Mr Mathis and Miss Bradshaw, the people from the Peabody Foundation are here. Should I just?

Bette: Show them the plan and let them work though it. Ive talked to Miss Peabody about all this. Ill be right out and make sure everything is according to plan. And in the meantime show them the hall for the exhibition.

Rachel: Right away Miss Porter.

I have agreed to do Peggys collection. I dont know I think if it wasnt for Peggy I wouldnt have thought about it. I mean Peggy has helped me in my past life and I think this is the only way I could repay her. The girls think I was crazy to have agreed to such request, especially coming from none other than Helena Peabody who, Ive repeatedly said this to the girls, have made my life a living *****. And the one person who managed to make Tina think twice about me

And about Tina? The latest information, I must admit, shook me to the core. I never imagined Tina to be on her own. Ive always vowed to myself that she will always be taken care of; financially, emotionally everything. I would love nothing more than to be the one to take care of her but if she didnt want any of that Id rather someone take care of her instead of her being alone. She might think of me as controlling but what I do is all to make sure she is always taken care of. *****, even after our break up, I still have money transferred to our joint account every month until today. I dont know what she does with the money Theres nothing I wouldnt do for her nothing

The girls were quick to learn something was up after my meeting with the Dragon that Saturday morning. But they kept it to themselves until dinner. We were having dinner at my apartment… Had some takeout from the Spanish restaurant down the street.

Alice: So who would send you all the anonymous gifts?

Kit: It could be anyone. Have you dated anyone here in New York baby girl?

Bette: Kit, what does that have to do with the flowers and the gifts?

Kit shrugged and I watched the exchanges between the girls as I played with my salad my thought thousands of miles away. I couldnt care less about the flowers or the gifts. That is not important! The most important thing is the information I received from Helena ***** Peabody of Tina. So is she alone in LA? Is she going out with anyone? Why didnt she try to contact me when she broke it off with Helena?

Shane: Bette!

Bette: Ummm yeah?

Shane: I was saying you can check where it came from you know? Im sure the company would have a return address of the sender

I nodded, not really in the mood to discuss the topic. Alice smirked at Shanes statement.

Shane: Whats so funny?

Alice: You being the Yoda you are! (Shane frowned and Alice quickly changed her tactics) So err… changing the subject

Kit: So is Lara going to pick us up at the airport tomorrow?

Dana: Yeah she will be with the van. Oooh I got her a little something this afternoon. I mean I always get her something on my trips.

I looked at her Dana is so sweet. God I wish I had everything that I need. That used to be me and… Oh *****! Who are you kidding Porter! Give it a rest already! Its over… move on! I sighed.

Alice: Cool. So you guys are taking the same flight out tomorrow?

Shane: Yeah the one at noon.

Kit: I wish we could stay longer Bette but you know how it is. The business isnt going to run by itself

Bette: Yeah sure dont worry about it. (Still playing with my food)

Alice: Oh god! Come on snap out of it Bette! Youve been mopping about since lunchtime. Im sorry I didnt want to say it earlier cos I didnt want to butt into whatever it is youre thinking or stressing about cos I know where that would lead me. (I glared at Alice to which she pointed her finger at me as if to say see what I mean?!!?) Youd probably just eat me alive But now its just I dont know whats up Porter!!!

I hesitated. I didnt want to bring this up while theyre here but I just couldnt stop thinking about her about Tina

Bette: So who is Tina with now?

Everyone stopped eating. And all the girls were looking at me with bulging eyes. Shane nearly choked on her food. Danas spoon fell on her lap and Alices mouth was open wide.

Bette: Is anyone going to answer me? .. Alice?

Alice: She shes not with anyone now Porter. But

Bette: she was with Helena ***** Peabody. Yeah I know that. It wasnt like she was hiding it from anyone. That ***** dragon told me shes living in New York now…

Dana: Wait, wait Bette. When did you?

Bette: This morning I had a meeting with her and she ***** told me shes moved back to New York. So I guessed it myself So how is Tina? Is she well? What does she do now? What does she look like now? Is she healthy? Shes still staying at the house right? Does she

Kit: Hold up hold up hold up baby sis! Slow down now. Shes alright. Shes healthy and she

Kit look at the girls.

Bette: She what Kit?

Kit: she doesnt stay at the house no more.

Bette: (Raising my voice a little) What?!?! Where is she staying now? Does she hate me that much? She doesnt want to live in the same place we built our dreams in the last seven years? What? Did she sell the house?!!? (As in a whisper) She doesnt want to be reminded of me (The realisation hit me. Tina doesnt want to be reminded of me so she doesnt stay at the house)

Alice: Bette its not that… its

Bette: No Alice I get it I do! I just so no one stays there? Who lives there now?

Shane: No one Bette. I look after it every now and again. You need not worry about that Bette…

Alice: Bette. Dont worry ok?

I thought about the time when we bought the house together. It took us a month to finally get everything in so itll actually feel like home. If it wasnt for Tina, it wouldve taken me longerI remember how excited we both were the day we found out we topped the deal. It was everything that we wanted and more. I remember the housewarming party, how Tina and I couldnt wait to get everyone out of the house so we could be alone. I remember the anniversaries we shared there, her surprise party for me when I got the job at the CAC, the poker nights me and the girls have there and the night when I came home from work and found her pregnant

And the last memory of us in the house where we forced ourselves on to each other, just to show the little sign that we still crave one another that fateful night of Provocations. I remember seeing the hurt in her eyes, her hand slapped me across the face, how the look in her eyes says she loves me but couldnt believe what I had done, I could feel she still loved me that night even through the non stop utterance of ***** Yous. Those two words never affected me but that night they cut through me like a knife! Even the pain I felt does not match the pain Ive caused her. Ive totally fucked everything that means so much to me and even more to her. God, no wonder she couldnt stay there. The one tragic memory overweighed all those sweet memories I dont think I could stay in our bedroom without the image of us struggling that night.

I took a deep breath. I should let Tina be Keep my promise and let her move on with her life

Bette: Yeah Just Just take care of Tina ok Al?

Alice sighed.

Shane: Dont worry ok Bette?

And that night I didnt sleep a wink cos Tina was all I could think of. And when I did fall asleep, it was only to be visited by the recurring dream of me and Tina of the night of Provocations.

I sighed. I should go out there and talk to The Dragons people. Get yourself sorted Bette! This is today Bette, this is today. Stop living the past. This is today.

I composed myself and walked out of my office but bumped into Rachel.

Bette: Ouch!!

Rachel: Sorry Miss Porter.

She started to bend down to pick up her things. I rubbed my nose from the collision. Itll probably swell tomorrow

Bette: Why arent you with Mr. Mathis?

Rachel: I was but theres a delivery for you.

Rachel handed me another bouquet of flowers. Another one!?!?! Ive been receiving flowers everyday since colours. I dont know where the daily delivery comes from but by now my office looks like a flower store. I kind of given up wanting to know who its from since they never leave a note.

Bette: Another one huh?

Rachel: You must have made an impression during Colours Miss Porter

Bette: Rachel could you please put this in a vase and put it somewhere (Handing the flowers over to Rachel) I need to go see them in the main gallery

Rachel: Ok Miss Porter.

Bette: Ok thanks. I better go see what theyre up to.

I spent the rest of the day discussing the forthcoming event with Peabodys people. It was amazing how you can get everything done faster with the best people. The Dragon was right, she did send the best people, ***** she could afford it. It was nine when Mr Mathis and Miss Bradshaw left. I walked to my office feeling rather satisfied with the load work thats done today. Im so so glad todays over. Ive been working my ***** of the whole week. Usually after a show, I could relax for a week and let the people come in to view the exhibit and just enjoy the show. But not now. Not when I have Peabody in my gallery.

I slumped myself on one of the sofas and closed my eyes. Cant believe I said yes to Helena. This next show will undoubtedly help this gallerys reputation. I went to see Peggy a few days ago and even before I even told her that I wasnt going to do the show she already said her thanks for wanting to do this for her. How could I have said no to a woman whos dying?

I opened my eyes and stared at the painting on my wall; the painting that has brought me and Tina together. I smiled. This is the only piece of my art collection that I didnt sell to pay off the mortgage on the house in West Hollywood. It means a lot to me. All of me started with this painting, my life started with it.

I stood up and approached the painting. It still amazes me how Ive kept things that remind me of Tina away from me but have this one big reminder hanging here and I still love to see this piece it just brings smile to myself. It reminds me of how good things were with Tina, how happy I had been all those years and how lucky I had been to once have her in my life

My trail of thoughts was interrupted as I heard a knock on the door.

Rachel: Miss Porter, Im sorry to interrupt but

Bette: Oh hey

Rachel: Ummmm theres a note on your desk. Its from the flowers you received today. I thought you should know

Bette: Oh ok thanks. I thought youve gone home?

Rachel: Yeah, I was just about to then I remembered about the note. Ill see you tomorrow Miss Porter. Good night.

Bette: Good night Rachel. Ill see you tomorrow.

I looked at the note sitting on my desk.

Dearest Bette,

Hope

I hope youve made good use of the good basket I sent you last week. I hope youve enjoyed the flowers and I hope they have brightened your days

Hoping and wishing
xoxo

I looked around to see my room full of vases. I smile. Actually I do appreciate this. And they have brightened my days. But I just couldnt be bothered to figure out who sent the flowers. Ive somehow gotten used to this. I remember the first year I was here, me alone in New York. I get invitations to dinner from both men (those who didnt know I was a ***** lady) and women (those who knew). And yes Ive declined most of them. I was just not into the whole dating scene. My aims were clear, to move on and to find myself again. And when I nicely decline those invitations, I tend to receive gifts and flowers at work. Some from people I know and some anonymous like the ones Ive been receiving lately. But those things never intrigued me to find out who the senders are. Nothing interests me here in New York apart from my work.

Plus I have other things on my mind like this new show and Tina No matter how many times Ive told myself that she has moved on and I should too, and that nothing will ever happen between us two ever again, I cant help but think that there might be a chance for us even a minute possibility, say one in a million years. And the odd of that happening (which is somewhat impossible) have kept me going all these lonely years