I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and stared at my reflection. Putting my hands on my hips and turning sideways, I sucked in my stomach to make it appear flat and svelte I checked my profile and flexed my tanned and toned biceps by clasping and squeezing my hands in front of my waist. Running my tongue over my teeth and squinting my eyes sans bifocals, I grimaced and growled and spoke to the image staring back at me.

How you like me now, Miss Dana ***** Fairbanks . . . Tennis Twit in Training. I will kick your sorry skinny Alice-lovin ***** off this court and into next week. You are a FRAUD and a ***** and you better go get tested for every sexually transmitted disease which exists.

I stared hard into the mirror waiting for a response, from whom I wasnt really sure. Relaxing my shoulders and dropping my arms to my side, I turned and faced the mirror. I let out a heavy sigh and leaned in close to the glass. Carefully, I pulled my bottom lip out then down and examined the inside of my mouth and gums. I looked up, down, all around and saw nor felt any bumps, sores, rashes or irritations.

(GAWDDAMMIT ! SOMETHING IS THERE I JUST KNOW IT! MOTHERFUCKIN K)

Despite the fact that I was given the once over and a final report of Disease Free by my ER Hottie, Dr. Gabrielle Goodwin, I was still convinced that I had contracted herpes from my sweet, adorable, lovable, piece-of-***** wife. How could I not???? I was exhibiting all the classic signs — vaginal itching, burning pee, some kind of sore on THOSE lips (which I had tried to view myself with a hand mirror) and I was having regular ***** with an unfaithful partner whose sexual history read like the pages of the Tampa Bay area phone book. And after watching that special on the Health and Fitness Channel, Quiet Killers, which I thought was about average Ted-Bundy like looking serial killers, I KNEW, I just plain outright KNEW I was infected.

And that was frightening as well as depressing because the facts and figures on that particular SDT are incredibly scary. Over 80% of the people who have the disease do not know they do and once you got it, you got it for life. The symptoms can be treated and controlled but never conquered. And *****, well ***** becomes a challenge as it is totally unsafe when any of the symptoms manifest themselves seemingly and at any given moment.