The sisters on the bus went up and down, up and down…and the lesbians chuckled and chatted with their new friends, while Bette and company sat nervously while being comforted by the nuns…until Sister Bertha remembered she was promised a captive audience by Mother Burnaby…

“Granddaddy Graham Longhorn Savurandaminimee was a fine man,” begins Sister Bertha.

“Oh Lordie,” mutters Sister Esmerelda as Sister Agatha frowns at her. “I mean…oh frigididee…” states the exasperated Sister Esmerelda.

“A strapping man, endowed with such a splendid physical form…” explains Sister Bertha. B&TF leans in to AmandaMG, “I don’t think I want to hear this…” “Shhh, just pretend and think of something else…” replies AmandaMG.

Alice turns to Bette, whispering…”I’m gonna break out laughing… I swear if she starts telling us how Grandaddy Longhorn Savur…whatever his name is, met Grandmammy and gave her one too many tours of the plantation barn, I’m jumping off the bus…”

Sister Bertha continues, “I mean he was no wimp Grandaddy, he was athletic and toned and had a stomach you could…”

“SISTER BERTHA…” quips Sister Burnaby, “perhaps you could tell us a little about your grandmother. I don’t think we heard that story.”

Sister Bertha obliges, “Oh Grandma Lerdarama was something. I mean she had a beautiful mane of hair,” Sister Bertha smiles shyly… “and AMPLE bossom…they say Grandaddy was particularly enthralled by…”

“SISTER BERTHA…” interjects Sister Burnaby… “did they have many children?”

“Oh yes…you’d think they were rabbits.”

“Oh my,” Sister Lowitious intervenes, “Sister, Sister Bertha…”

“Oh pardon me Sister Lowitious,” says Bertha in a conscientious tone, “let me just get this all out before I forget and leave Mother Burnaby just hanging there…”

“I knew we should’ve taken the train,” quips Chasemenow. “I don’t know…I think is more fun…” answers Seahurst, with Mad Maggot nodding.

Sister Bertha continues excitedly, “They had seven children.”

“Seven?” asks Sister Agatha.

“Seven Sister,” answers Sister Bertha. She continues, “There was Johnny Patrick, Hellry Samson, Alice Margarita, Mary Alice, Harry Brian Adam, George Ryan, Adam Charlie, Martha Brigit…”

“Wait, that’s eight!” exclaims Sister Illuminata.

“Oh yes,” replies Sister Bertha, “well…Martha Brigit…she was the bastard child of Grandmammy and Lester Hampton Porter Elijah Bordereauxs.”

Alice turns to Bette, “Ancestor of yours maybe?” Bette frowns. Kit jumps in, “This sis is a live one.” Angelica turns to Bette, “Mamma we have relatives in the south?” Shane gives Alice a dirty look just as Alice was about to offer her 2.5 cents but then changes direction and just shakes her head.

Bertha continues the tale, “But Grandaddy was a proud man and he took care of little Martha Brigit like she was his own…he wondered from time to time about the origin of the red hair, and in his heart of hearts he always knew something was amiss, but Gradmammy never told anyone and no one ever brought it up. Except for Cornelius Longhorn Amadeus Savurandaminimee the Third.”

Alice calls out to the fine storyteller, “Uh…Cornelius Longhorn Amadeus Savurandaminimee the Third???” Alice looks at Kit, “She’s got to be kidding…”

“That’s right, the Third…in a long line of peanut farmers. You see, Grandaddy had two brothers. Longhorn Graham Evelyn Roger Savurandaminimee and Graham Longhorn Amadeus the Second…The Third was his son.”

Sister Illuminata turns to Sister Maradoona, “Maybe we should start saying the rosary…” “It’s not time yet Sister,” replies Maradoona. “Got any better ideas?” asks Sister Illuminata.

Sister Bertha continues undaunted, “So the Second’s son was the Third..they added the Cornelius because Grandmammy had a gentleman caller friend name Cornelius Cicero Barney Smith and, well, he was her favourite ‘friend’…when, as Godmother to the Third she offered the name as an idea, no one thought anything of it.”

“Exactly how many of these gentlemen ‘friends’ did your Grandmammy have Sister?” asks a curious Kit.

Sister Bertha starts to answer, “Well, it’s a little complicated but…oh wait, before I totally forget, let me get back to the story of Grandaddy Longhorn…”

“Goodness forbid we lose track of THAT!” quips Sister Esmerelda to Sister Feckla who then thinks of something to intervene…”You know Sister Bertha, I wonder whether we should hold off for now…it’s getting really interesting and I see we’re approaching the hospital…we don’t want to cut the story off just as it’s getting really interesting,” exclaims Sister Feckla.

Alice turns to Bette, “We’re taking a cab when we’re done at the hospital.”

Sister Illuminata turns to Sister Burnaby and whispers, “Do you think we could leave Sister Bertha with the hospital ministry for a while…they might need her.” Sister Burnaby frowns. Sister Bertha looks at Sister Feckla for a few seconds and then sighs, “Oh and I was just getting to the good part Sister, but ok, maybe you’re right.” “Oh thank the Good Lord,” sighs Sister Esmerelda, with Sister Agatha making the sign of the cross and nodding.

Five minutes later the bus rolls into the hospital grounds. The nuns and their Saphic friends exit the bus and walk speedily to the hospital. Sister Burnaby leads the pack with Bette. They approach the information desk, and as the staff watches their approach like deer in headlights, the group starts asking about Sister Tina. The bewildered staff directs them to the ER waiting room. The other occupants sit there…some indifferent, some really uncomfortable, and some just plain taken aback by the large group of habits and “Fanfic Convention” T-Shirts. Sister Burnaby administers an inquisitorial set of questions to the head nurse.

Nurse Frachet takes control of the situation… “All right now love, no need getting the habit in a twist eh…let’s get control of this little brood of yours so I can get the information on this Sister Tina.” The sisters gasp, thank goodness collectively, as they look on in some astonishment that Frachet is making Burnaby obey her commands…they’re kinda envious of the talent she shows.

Frachet wanders off and returns moments later. She walks up to Bette and Burnaby with a look of severity. The sisters huddle around them with everyone else. “Well love,” starts Nurse Frachet, “I found her. We got ourselves a wee bit of a problem and you all have to just stay calm…and listen carefully. I can only have some of you go in there…we don’t want a herd stampeding around like.”

“How is she? What’s her condition?” asks Bette.

“I was getting ta that lassy. Seems she got a bit of a hit on the noggin,” replies nurse Frachet. The nuns collectively sigh… “uhhhhh”

Alice interrupts, “We already know that…how IS she?”

“You Americans are ya? Take it easy there yank. I’m trying to explain. The injury must have been pretty unique and severe…she saying all sorts of odd little things and yellin out names and such. And, Sister,” looking at Burnaby, “she don’t sound very nunlike, if you know what I mean.” The sisters look at each other.

“Well I want to see her now,” exclaims Sister Burnaby. “And I do too,” says Bette. “Fine, replies Nurse Frachet, “you two come with me, and bring some of yer followers with ya…just 2 or 3 mind ya.” Alice, Angelica, Kit, Sisters Illuminata, Esmerelda, and Agatha follow.

Nurse Frachet leads them to Tina’s bed. She has her eyes closed. They all gather around. Sister Burnaby stands next to her on one side with Angelica on the other and Bette a little farther down with everyone else surrounding the bed and all slanted a bit in toward Tina, staring at her. Nurse Frachet notes, “Looks like she finally fell asleep again…yelled herself into a stupor.”

Suddenly, Sister Tina starts to stir. Sister Burnaby strokes her hand and calls out gently, “Sister Tina, Sister Tina…” Sister Tina starts to open her eyes. She looks to the left, looks to the right, looks dead ahead… “what the hell is going on?” Alice’s mouth hangs open, Bette is stunned…

Sister Agatha- Gasps

Sister Esmerelda- Gasps

Sister Burnaby- “Huh?!”

Sister Tina looks at Angelica…and she looks perplexed… “What? What…where….” She reaches out and grabs Angelica’s arm and lifts herself up a bit as Angelica looks on stunned. Tina looks at her, confused, “Bette….Bette…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…where’s Angelica????!!! I….”

“Mamma!!!???????????” exclaims Angelica in utter shock.

“Wha?! Bette why are you calling for your mother?!!! Please…” Tina replies to whom she thinks is Bette.

“Mamma…” says Angelica to the freaked out blonde and purported nun.

“Oh Good God Sister Tina,” Burnaby calls out to her as Tina turns to look at the head nun.

Tina frowns as she looks at Angelica again, “What the hell is going on? Why am I surrounded by nuns Bette?”

Sister Agatha- “Child, it’s us, the sisters!”

Sister Esmerelda- “Mother of….Sister Sister…we’re here….remember the nunnery…”

Sister Burnaby- “Sister Tina,” she grabs hold of Tina by the arms, “look at me…I’m mother Burnaby…remember?”

Tina gasps and sighs from almost fright…and pulls Angelica’s arm… “Bette….Bette please make them go away…”

At this point the other nuns had snuck in with Shane leading the way and gathered around…

Angelica doesn’t know what to say, but sticks to what works…”Mamma, Mamma…I…”

Tina cuts her off and pleads with her as she pulls on Angelica’s arm, “Bette please….I love you….I still love you….I don’t want that prick anymore…please Bette take me home, take me back into your bed…” at which point…

Sister Agatha- Gasps and yelps…

Sister Esmerelda- Gasps and yelps…

Sister Feckla- Gasps and yelps…

Sister Lowitious- Gasps and yelps…

Sister Illuminata- Gasps and yelps…

Sister Maradoona- Gasps and yelps…

Sister Bertha- Yelps twice…

Sister Burnaby- opens her mouth wide but no sounds…

Shane- “Fuck, this is bad…” Nurse Frachet, with her mouth ajar, “You said it yank…”

And Angelica looks up, her eyes roll back…and…well….she faints.

Bette calls out, “Angelica!!!!” She runs to her and Alice and Kit follow, with the sisters helping.

Sister Burnaby- Turning to Sister Tina, “Geeezus Christ woman, grab hold of yourself!”

Sister Agatha- “Sister Tina?”!!! Tina looks at them in turn with her eyes glaring in fear and confusion…and then looks straight into Sister Lowitious’ eyes… “I…I…”

Sister Lowitious- “Oh no…she’s a convert from Saphism…the demons have reclaimed her!” Sister Illuminata smacks her upside the head… “Ouch!” exclaims sister Lowitious…

Sister Agatha- “Sisters let us pray…”

Sister Bertha- turns to Sister Burnaby with her mouth agape real wide, her eyes wide open and….you guessed it…she faints….and the nuns run to her. Outside in the waiting room, the famous CNN crew has gathered and waits to convey the ongoing story to the world.