CHAPTER 1

Mantra:
1808, "that part of the Vedas which contains hymns," from Skt. mantra-s "sacred message or text, charm, spell, counsel," lit. "instrument of thought," related to manyate "thinks." Sense of "special word used for meditation" is first recorded in Eng. 1956.

Images.
Images before Shane’s eyes.
Images from a past she thought would never come back.
Images and feelings.
Like seeing an old, black and white movie.
Carmen’s beautiful smile, Carmen smiling at her in that perfect way.
Carmen’s deep, soulful eyes in the middle of the night, when they were lost in those moments that were just theirs.
Carmen’s manic attention for cleaning, order and every-place-has-its-place’s mantra.
Carmen’s hand running through her own hair and through Shane’s hair.
Shane never told her how safe she felt when Carmen touched her head like that. She didn’t know why, and she wouldn’t know how to express that feeling of perfect stillness, perfect safety.
When Carmen ran her hand through her hair, when Carmen touched her head like that –
– her head, her head where she keeps her secrets safe, her head where she hides everything, her head, the strongbox nobody has access to –
Shane had a feeling nothing in the world could hurt her.
It wasn’t the sex.
It weren’t the words of love they used to share.
It weren’t promises of any kind.
It was that intimate touch.
Shane is unsettled, shaken.
Shane looks at Carmen, feels the alcohol running through her veins and going straight to the head and doesn’t know exactly what to say.

”What I really need
Is the right decoy to let you go
Away
‘Cause you’re lacerating all my world”

“Shane”, Carmen says in a very neutral tone, so unexpected, so weird to hear.
“Come on, Shane, get up”.
She doesn’t move and doesn’t lend her hand and Shane is sure that she doesn’t want to be touched.
But she doesn’t seem upset or mad, no.
For the very first time since she first met her, Carmen is totally unreadable.
“Get up”, she repeats and Shane, mechanically, does it.
“What are you doing here?”, she asks with a husky voice full of smoke and beer.
“I am here because Jenny called me. She told me that she doesn’t want you to stay”.
Neutral tone, again.
Shane lowers her head.
“I know. I was waiting. I mean, I hope she changes her mind”.
Carmen shakes her head, firmly.
“No. She’s not going to. Not for tonight, at least. So I think you should come with me”.
Shane’s eyes widen.
“What?”. She seems incredulous.
Carmen smiles a cold, joyless smile and tilts her head.
“Don’t misunderstand me. I just want you to leave this yard. I promised that to Jenny”.
Shane licks her lips in confusion, then chuckles ankwardly.
“Come on. Let’s get out of here”.
Carmen’s words. Sharp and tough. Extremely serious and incontrovertible.
She nods her head towards the gate and steps away.
Shane remains motionless for a while. Her face is painted with an absolute incredulity.
“This has to be the worst nightmare of my entire life…”, she mutters to herself following Carmen’s steps.