CHAPTER 8

Secret:
Kept hidden from knowledge or view; concealed.
Dependably discreet.
Operating in a hidden or confidential manner: a secret agent.
Not expressed; inward: their secret thoughts.
Not frequented; secluded: wandered about the secret byways of Paris.
Known or shared only by the initiated: secret rites.
Beyond ordinary understanding; mysterious.
Containing information, the unauthorized disclosure of which poses a grave threat to national security.
Something kept hidden from others or known only to oneself or to a few.
Something that remains beyond understanding or explanation; a mystery.

Five days later – Carmen’s room

The noise of the water fills the silence of the room.
Carmen is motionless on the bed, resting on her back, arms spread. A crucifixed virgin on a cross made of white sheets, that’s what she seems.
Beautiful with her bronzed skin and those exotic features, consuming and deep with that look into her eyes.
The grey sky of the stormy night is shattered by blinding lightnings.
Crack.
And crack.
And crack.
That’s the perfect way to fill up a silent room.
Water inside, water outside, water in Carmen’s eyes.
Shane is taking a shower after interminable hours of make up sex.
Carmen rubs her forehead, runs her fingers across her hair.
She knew it would happen.
She knew it.
She gave up and here they are again.
She surrendered to something she couldn’t ignore or avoid anymore and now, despite all of her premises, despite all the promises she made to herself, and despite their initial statement, she can’t stay away from Shane anymore.

”You keep my fire alive
You say that I’m a liar
Prickly roses in your vessel
Huge presents crush your rebellion
Go away
Go away
Go away
Go away…”

The moment she decided she had
– she had to, she seriously had to –
to touch her again, she knew she was already lost.
Gone.
Finished.
Fallen.
Kaputt.
What is this feeling that I am feeling, Carmen thinks.
Butterflies in my stomach when I look into her green eyes.
An aching pain when I see that she’s suffering for me.
Shivers whenever she kisses me.
Even worse.
Shivers whenever she touches me.
A painful joy when she smiles at me and I know I just can’t smile back at her.
I just can’t.
It’s been thirty months, she thinks.
You have to put yourself together.
Can you see Shane’s eyes?
Can you see how they speak to you even when her mouth is closed?
Demanding questioning enquiring.
Sweetly, respectfully, but incessantly, perpetually.
Carmen had promised to herself to keep control.
Carmen had promised to herself to be careful.
Not only with Shane.
With everyone else.
Carmen struggled to keep herself at some distance from Shane.
Because Shane drills into her soul, into her insensitive heart and that’s extremely dangerous.
But the truth is that it didn’t work.
And since their first night at Coco’s Club, they have been totally, completely unable to stay away from each other. To keep their hands off each other.
And fuck the promises, the premises and the initial statement.
Jenny, why did you call me that night, Carmen thinks sighing.
I knew this was going to happen.
I am not that strong.
In fact, I’ve never been weaker in my entire life.
I just wanted to forget about love and closeness and trust.
That’s all I wanted.