Fan Fiction
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How am I supposed to live without you? Part 1
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Over his shoulder I saw her… Her eyes met mine…
The hurt…
The hurt I had inflicted…
Shattering my heart…
I had shivered like a leaf, waking up… Hot tears finding its way down my cheeks… Choking me…
Maybe that had been the first time I had been able to admit to myself what I had allready known inside my heart for so long…
I had chosen to live a lie…
Pretending not to love her…
Was just like pretending not to breath…
The soft buzzing, coming from the on the kitchentable of the apartment I’d never had the heart to start calling ‘home’, forced me to focus on the item that caused the sound…
My phone…
A little envelope…
Her name…
You have received a textmessage from: Bette
My fingers trembling, I pressed the button that would allow me to see what she had written… The pounding organ that tried to contain my love for her, again betraying me, jumping up with hope…
T… Ive had this thought… Would you please help me? I want to send her 17 texts before I see her… 17 reasons why I love her… Would you approve of them before I send them? I have never been so afraid to say something wrong… Have I told you that you have been the best? I love you! B.
I felt how the room around me became a blurr, as lightheadedness took me over, and unsteadily I made my way to the couch…
I love you… I love you… Never again would those words mean what they’d once had…
I felt numb as my fingertips sought the phonekeys in order to reply…
I deserved this pain… I had started this, and I would finish it…
Off course, romanticist! No worries! Shoot! Love, T…
As I had pressed the button that would send the message to her, I tried to feel relieved that at least she wouldn’t be able to see my face. It was as if that thought evoked the accidental glance in the mirror…
Hastily I looked away, unable to face the image of my shattered soul…
Never had she been so afraid to say something wrong… Well, I knew how that felt… Should I have taken the chance? The chance that she had offered me when I had admitted I would ‘take her over the safe boring man I’d been seeing, any day?’ Should I have asked her, begged her, told her?
I had told Kate that I didn’t want to put Bette’s life upside down now that she had met somebody else, but was my reason really so altruistic, or was that just what I wanted everyone, maybe even including myself, to believe?
Shaking my head, I dragged myself upstairs to check on Angie… The soft curls, the caramel-colored skin, the utter ease on that sweet face, that reminded me so much of her other mother. As I watched her sleep for several minutes, her chest ascending and descending in that somewhat slower rhythm of slumber, I felt how a smile crept upto my lips…
Angelica, the miracle that would always bind me to the woman who had just requested my help in another step to win back the one who now held her heart…
What a funny jokes life can throw you sometimes?
What if… What if I had made different choices… What if I had had different reactions… What if…
But, mostly… What if I couldn’t think ‘what if’ anymore? What if I had told her… What if I had kissed her… And what if she had laughed? What if she had pushed me away? What if she would have shattered that last sparkle of hope that kept my heart alive?
And that wasn’t just a chance… That was almost a certainty, now that I had seen that light in her eyes as she just spoke of Jodi… All that was between us, from her part, were memories, and that lovely angel, I stole one last glance of before exiting the room…
Not trying hadn’t been altruistic at all….
It had been protection…
And most likely it had been survival…
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
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1st? Whoha!Thanks for this post, as always this strory is great. Pps.
Amazing as always from yourself love it. these two jst break mt heart the finale was soooo hard
yay, another JLBT story. *jumping up and down*. and as always, excellent work. you got me hooked. ppms
Great chapter – now where is 2 & 3???
thanks for the post. I feel badly for them both. although T, did bring her hurt on herself. Bette is doing too much with the 17 texts!! when will she realize that real love should not be that hard?! i want to see where this goes.
thxs for the post!this is a great story.p.p.s.
This is utterly straight to the heart. Love to read more. Thanks.
Great chapter. I could never understand why Bette was running after Jodi so much. She really didn’t do so much to deserve this hard time served up by Jodi. She has become a wuss.
Wow – such a great internal look at Tina – fabulous.
I don’t understand why Bette would ask Tina to help her win back Jodi. What is wrong with her, what would make her think that it is OK to ask Tina for this kind of help, especially after Tina told her she still loved her,is she so caught up in herself that she can’t imagine that this would hurt Tina, can she no longer sense Tina’s feelings or comfort level? Why not ask one of her other friends (instead of Tina) for this kind of help? I don’t understand it! Sorry for the rant. Great post! pps
Ah, dear friend, I was so sure you would concoct us something great about this so heartbreaking S4’s finale ! No better FF author for that but my favorite one ! (I know I’m biased but really I don’t care !!) *** You know, I fully share ayesha23’s comment about Bette & Jodi’s relationship: “Bette is doing too much with the 17 texts!! when will she realize that real love should not be that hard?!” So true. I’m quite certain our so endearing brunette never had to think so hard about what to do or to say to her T, at the beginning of their mutual and life-aletering love-at-first-sight. Having to ask for advices about romantism isn’t romantic at all, for me ! Too much preparation kills all spontaneity – as well as, finally, sincerity.God, true love doesn’t need any “reason” to be proved : “You ask me why I loved him,” Montaigne wrote about La Boétie, “I don’t know. All I can say is parce que c’était lui, parce que c’était moi.” (“Because it was he, because it was I”). It’s as if Bette wanted to persuade herself that she’s madly in love – a kind of unconscious make believe. After all, isn’t she convinced that Tina is falling for Kate ?So, couldn’t this self-pretending about falling hard for Jodi be a self-protection reaction ? Just the way your Tina did, as you so rightly pointed in this great interpretation you gave us of her so-called altruism : “What if… What if I had made different choices… What if I had had different reactions… What if… But, mostly… What if I couldn’t think ‘what if’ anymore? What if I had told her… What if I had kissed her… And what if she had laughed? What if she had pushed me away? What if she would have shattered that last sparkle of hope that kept my heart alive? Not trying hadn’t been altruistic at all…. It had been protection… And most likely it had been survival…”Yes, self-protection will always be the most powerful way one can use to continue to live, hidding feelings and/or emotions when it’s impossible or too dangerous to reveal them – and you know how much I can relate to such a process. *** “I felt the pain ripple through me, as circles of liquid a stone thrown into a lake would evoke…” : beautiful metaphor here, dear M, I love it. You also truly broke my heart with this statement : “allthough she had told me she loved me, and those words had made my heart jump and pound with utter joy, I also knew that love had changed… I was now her friend… The mother of her child… The one who could give her advice…” But still, being the incurable and faithful Tibette I am – and will always be – , I cannot help but hope. So I cross fingers for a S5 where my dearest two will finally see what remains evident for me : true love is theirs, for each other. Without any other 16 reasons but the one only one : because it was them – soulmates, whatever happened or will happen. Something SO obvious in the way they still look to each other (for exemple, in front of Kate, in ep.412), the way they still say the same words at the same time (about Phyllis and Joyce), the way they talked to each other (see their wonderful scene in ep.411), etc. All Tibetters felt it, for god’s sake !! *** Dear M, you’re wonderful – do you know it ?? You must ! ^_^ Once more – never too much !! – all my deepest thanks for your endying talent and sweet, delicate sensitivity I love so much in you. Forever your devoted and faithfull reader – A.
Very interesting perspective. What comes next?
great start 5 pages nice!!!!!!!!!! longr 2- to 3 chapters what u know the rules at least 18 chapters
OWIE! JLBT, you wrote Tina’s pain with such exquisite beauty… but it hurts. :( I think the first thing Tina can do for Bette is mention that 17 texts might be a few too many… just a thought. Or tell Bette that she loves her. Either way. Can’t wait for more, my friend and fellow Tibetter, fantastic as always. :) HUGS
You are breaking my heart. I am not sure what Tina should do. Part of me wants her to talk to Bette and tell her what she is really feeling. Another part is saying wait because if Bette is asking you for help then maybe she is unable to totally let go for you. All I know is that I would love for Bette and Tina to get back together and this time for the right reasons.
thanks. lets hope bette leave tina the 17 messages
Hey doc, fuck that was heartbreaking and beautiful all at once – loved it :o)) Post 2 & 3 lets says….NOW!!! LOL. How did the presentation go – excellent I’m sure :o))
Tina being introspective- too bad we don’t get that on the show. We get a couple of 1 lines and some weird looks while being forced to endure Jenny and her stupidity. TiBette chemistry all day long and even twice on Sunday; instead we get forced chemistry with Jodie and Kate. I used to watch the episodes religously every chance I got in S1, but I can barely sit through 1 episode on Sunday. Maybe IC should check out FF and see real writers and material for how to develop a show people want to watch. Eagerily awaiting chapters 2 & 3.
if only tina told bette how she really felt…if only…thanks for sharing
Damn this is so good and love it. Please post soon, thanks!
mmm what can i said to this wonderful writting? mmm i love it! you know that i love but my heart hurt with all Tina’s feeling… if only… i hope she won’t regret take the risk to be hurt! lovely my friend! miss u! hugs 100 hugs
Well, this was a superb chapter dear Captain, but after reading what Therese Belivet wrote, I really feel like I have nothing smart to add. I mean, she said it all and put it in much more beautiful way than I would have. It’s funny though because I remember Kword75 using that Montaigne & La Boetie analogy too in her “Tribute” a few months ago… And indeed, Montaigne’s maxim suits B&T’s story so well… JustLoveB+T, you and the Great Jobadge are the poets of melancholy and I really hope you’ll take that as a compliment because in my book there is nothing more deeply poetic than melancholy… Thank you so much for this story.
great!
woohoo :) Great new story hun!! I’m likin the “what if’s”.. Per usual waitin for more :)
‘What if’… everyday I live my life asking ‘what if’s… but… I never found the answer… as I never have the guts to really find the answers to my ‘what if’s. It’s a relieve to still be friends, afraid that for once if I took a step into searching the answer, everything will be shattered… left nothing at all… no memories… no ‘friend’… only regrets and… more ‘what if’s? Dear JLBT, you know I love your writings right? I’m hopeful when they put TiBette ‘back’ together in season4… but for this… I’m afraid too, that I’ll be truly disappointed if they’re not back together one day :( Friend, your story just brought the sentiment out of me ;) PPS
Amazing update – I can almost picture this chapter being the end of season 4 – but we want our B & T to find each other in season 5 – ohh yeah. Post soon