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How am I supposed to live without you? Part 4A
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Before in ‘How am I supposed to live without you?’
Bette: Nr 16 however is so much harder…
Momentarily taken aback by the feelings her words educed in me, so strongly now that we seemed closer, closer than a text or an email, I blinked… Quickly pressing my fingertips against the table, as if trying to find support I felt how a threatening feeling washed over me… But also a masochistic curiosity… Clearly Bette wanted the 16th reason to really tell how she felt about Jodi… I sensed the approach of a perfect merge of sensitivity, vulnurability and love…
Me: Oh Bette, you can’t fool me, you have something in mind, just spit it out…
Bette: Really?
Me: Really… You have nothing to lose… Its just me… Come on…
Bette: Ok…
Bette: 16. Because you are, and no matter of the outcome of this, will always be, the true love of my life
My eyes lingered over the screen, the words slowly sinking in… It was as if all my rationalizing words, all the talking to myself, the whole numb wall just vanished, as the words made their way to my brain, to my soul…
I gasped as the trembling expanded from my limbs to my body, the feeling of amazing weakness overwhelming me more with every breath I took…
I had known, and yet, now that the words teasingly confirmed the agonizing fear that lived in my heart… I felt the organ break and fall, as a sharp pain rushed through my body. My fingernails caused a physical pain that was much more bearable as they pressed themself in the soft skinnof my palms… A last attempt to stop the wave of undescribable hurt to wash over me… An unsuccesfull one, I realized, as the sob, from deep in my abdomen, shot itself to the surface, causing me to heave as if the tears were sour milk that had to be removed from my stomach…
The blinking stripe in the screen told me it was time to answer, indicated that it was time for me to tell her she had found the perfect words… And, as I broke down, I tried to give her that last push she needed in order to find that true love she had given me… Or to retrieve it…
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JustloveB+T, just amazing!
I am so looking forwad to see what you have instore for us. I am so loving this story. Thanks PPVS
What do you have up your sleeve? Oh, it better be Bette! ;)
You are killing me here. Love this story thank you for posting so soon. PSAP
ooooo and continue soon…..i love this…..
My friend…I loved this chapter. I read it when it was posted and forgot to comment! Gosh I’d lose my damn head if it weren’t attached these days! Anyway…I am sorry to see that you are ending the story. I know what that feels like, but I trust you! I can’t wait to see the finish..bring it on!
agonising…I don’t get Kate…but I certainly get Tina and so what the agony to STOP for her with Bette. PPS
I mean “I want”
This is utterly beautiful. It is breaking my heart but it is also additive. Thanks.
As usual, you write very emotional chappys brilliantly. No way you can thank me for sharing, I should thank you for doing it. :) I’m totally flattered by your comments on my humble story. Any story you put your finger on turns into a beautiful plot, this one is not different. Now I’m patiently waiting for the update that you should really post soon! ;)
Ohh god – this is soo good and you can’t stop here :O) we want more of the good stuff……..just let her know Tina – tell Bette how you feel. Tell her that all the things you told her came from your heart and Bette will proberly say the same (I hope) – please post soooooon.
Dear M, this story of yours is so moving, god… Do you really know how much everything you write always touches my heart this way ? Somewhere, you’re able to let the depth of feelings and emotions light my sky like stars and, yes, on your magical touch so much sweetness and poetry (even the “poetry of melancholy”, as Claricestarling so rightly wrote once here) invade me the same way tears run along cheeks… *** What I especially love is the way you so cleverly depict Tina’s cathartic memory line through remorses and regrets, as well as the way you compare situations : isn’t it amazing to see how Shane, Tina and Bette were flying away from their true love in the pursuit of a so-called reasonable happiness ? Because she lost Carmen, Shane tries her best to find a kind of redemption asking Paige to live with her. And so did Bette, running after Jodi, convincing herself she must be in love again. Finally, so did Tina when she took the first nice guy to find a quiet balance in Straightville, far of troubles – and so far of passions… *** As usually, I love to pick some of your sentences – the ones that evoke thoughts and emotions in me… “a million years ago where she had told me and Bette that we gave her hope because we could still make each other that happy…” : you know, this lovely scene at the end of S1’s pilot still is one of my favourite ones – a pure jewel of tenderness that also gave me hope, like Shane… *** “I had always had this thing with music, it could touch me if nothing else could…” : god, me too… There’s songs I especially love that each time awake so much emotions in me, as if they spoke for me… *** “When its true love you don’t have to change yourself in order to be loved, but you will be, endless and infinite, just because you are you… ” : so true !! That’s exactly true love’s force and priceless quality – and that’s also what a true friendship is too, by the way. *** “And with that I have ruined everything that ment anything to me. ” : so great of you parapharasing the famous Tina’s S2 quote here, with such a twist ! Wonderful job, my so talented author… *** “Why was it always, when you felt something so strongly, that everything seemed to focus on that?” : ah, how much I can relate to this bittersweet “delusion of reference” phenomena… Even Nature often seems to reflect our heart or/and soul searching : melancholic moonlight, sweet ray of sunshine through tree’s branches, the song of a bird, wind’s whispers, raindrops’ music, etc. *** “Maybe you should take a little of your own advice… ” : how to deny we are all always better – and wisers – advisers for others than for ourselves ? Tina gives hope to Shane, but reject it for herself. If love is proverbially blind, self-depreciation is blinder… ***** Did I mention how much I love this story ? Well, let me tell it again : thank you, my dear M, thank you so very much for this special joy to be your reader. I know how hard it is for you to keep time to write, with all this work of yours, but please do your best – that my totally selfish wish !! For I need your beautifully sensitive talent, dear friend, more than I could express. You are wonderful ! ^_^ Faithfully yours – A.
One can only hope that the outcome of your version will be better and along the lines of what all us true TiBetters hoped for.
DAMN THATS SAD AND HOPE B&T WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN!
Wow. I’ve been following the story for a while now and can’t wait to see how it would finish. I’m loving the angst ( yeah, sadistic personality ) so keep torturing Tina ’cause she deserves it, and the emotional rollercoaster always spices up the happy endings. Keep it up!
Just to be the first to thank you for this update ! I’ll be back soon… ^_^ – A.
Hey JustloveB+T, That was another fine chapter; full of guilt and loss. Tina so wants to be with Bette however also wants Bette to be happy. And as this with Jodi, Tina is prepared to step back and guide Bette away from her and towards Bette. I would love for Bette to appear on the beach and tell Tina just how much she means to her. That would make my day. Thank you so much for this tragic tale. Your Loyal Fan.
*big sigh* finally after 30 minutes to trying to post a comment i am available to do it… *another big sigh* everytime you write is a wonderful chapter… you take my breath away with this and you are right endless and infinite and forever is how true love should be… Great great chapter! i could give you 1000000000000 start for this but the rating thing is disabled… hugs many hugs
My heart is so full of pain and regret and I am not even Tina. The words and songs wonderfully intertwinned together to form a heartwrenching story of love and longing. My heart will always want Bette and Tina together so I am holding out for that to happen.
Bowing deeply to your superior writing! Been keeping up with this wonderful story, I find it so heart wrenching and so beautiful. Thank you so much for writing this!
Oh my God, the heartwrench ! I can’t begin to tell you how excruciating this is, JLB+T… Amazing….Fabulous….Beautiful…..Fantastic….beyond 10…. The way you truly captured Tina’s despair,… her whole range of emotions… You almost brought me to tears. Great job ! Actuallly, there are practically no words to describe it, but I will search for them, give me two seconds.* Has a ponderous look on her face for about two seconds* I found them ! Extrordinarly written, amazingly heat-felt. Only one question remains : What the “L” are you doing Bette ??!!
LOVE it…pleas continue soon!
damn, why can’t just tina tell bette how she really feels? it’s so emotional…please post before you leave, i need to know how it ends
This is so heartbreaking…..butbeautiful-…..can’t wait to read the next chapters…PPS