I am rock, I am an island

"Are you okay, miss?"

Nod. Yes, I am. Can’t you see? My eyes are red and swollen, I have a tissue at hand in case I start snottering again, my hair stands in every direction but the right one, I am cold and I look like I’ll never smile again.

"Yes." Do I need to confirm a lie? But then again, isn’t it what I do?

He walks away, the man that asked me. He walks back to his life and he won’t ever think again of that miss that was crying at the diner. He won’t ever wonder what was really wrong with me. I do wonder about him – is he going back to his family, his wife and kids? Is he a policeman or a salesman or an executive producer? Does he have children? Has he ever really been in love? Does he shave every day and does he like wine? I’ll never know.

Loneliness is a bully. It keeps getting at you whenever you try so hard to avoid it. You go to a place full of people to at least have some feeling of being a part of anything, of any group and yet you stand alone. The worst thing you can do when you feel lonely is going to a crowded place filled with roars of laughter and a tear here and there. It only makes you feel more empty and meaningless, because you have nothing to laugh about yourself. And you have nothing to cry about but your pathetic self. Even the cup in front of you is empty. The waitress is running around, trying to serve everyone. Does she hope to get a lot of tips? Does she have a boyfriend at home? A child to take care of? Is she gay? Does she like that?

I wonder about people all the time. I wonder most about those of who I get to see a flash, a tiny part of their lives. I meet them at some place and wonder why they are there, what brought them there and if it’s a coincidence for me to meet them. Is it a coincidence I am sitting in this diner? This crappy diner?