If Only You Knew

As she hung the phone up, the words that she had just spoken replayed in her head.  “I’ve moved on… found closure.  Nothing is between us anymore that would cause me to want to make a scene.”  Resting her head in her hands, the word closure echoed over and over again.  Did she truly mean any of these words or were they simply said as an act of defiance or as an act of self preservation?  As Bette leaned back in her new soft leather chair, she closed her eyes and began to allow herself to analyze her words.   Could the word closure ever truly apply to her relationship with Tina?  She knew without question that with Angelica in the equation her contact with Tina was assured at least through the next eighteen years, but in what capacity?  Would there ever come a time where she could be “just friends” with the only woman who had ever truly owned both her heart and soul?  The woman that she had dreamt of forever with who had now discarded her heart and seemingly cared so little about their years spent together.

As with any relationship, there had been problems over the years, yet Bette had always felt that they could work through anything as long as they were together.  She had seen them as two lost souls, destined to have become one.  The past few years had crumbled all of Bette’s hopes and dreams and opened her eyes to the reality that nothing was as it had seemed.  The difficulty in Tina conceiving their child had initially caused some of the smaller issues to come to the forefront. .  Bette felt so much helplessness each time one of the inseminations failed that she didn’t know what to do anymore to even try to talk to Tina about it.  Tina on the other hand, felt more and more inadequate with each failed attempt and interpreted Bette’s non communication as nothing short of indifference. 

Finally however things had seemingly fallen into place with the announcement of the long awaited pregnancy… until the miscarriage.  To this day, Bette hated herself for not having been with Tina when the procedure had been administered; instead she had allowed her work to rule her life and had run late for the appointment.   Tina suffered the loss of their child alone in a cold sterile room surrounded only by strangers.  The dam that had been temporarily erected to hold back so many other problems came crashing down carried by the pain of having lost a child.    Tina’s loss grew into a deep seated malignancy that was allowed to fester a little more each day, while Bette literally threw herself even deeper into her work at the CAC.  Using this as her escape provided her with what she perceived as time to greave alone, to stay strong for Tina when in fact reaching out to the woman who needed her more than ever was all she should have been doing.  Emotionally raw, she allowed herself to become tangled up in Candace Jewell.  When the physical attraction took over, she found herself feeling more alive than she had at any time since the loss of their son.  Rather than hurt anymore, she gave into the feelings of passion with no regard to the effect that this would have on her world.  Escaping into another woman’s arms was something that she had never before even thought about let alone desired.  Tina was all that she had ever wanted or needed, until they both became so alone – especially when they were together.

A sharp knock jolted Bette from her memories.  “Yes?” she replied still startled from the interruption. 

As the door slowly opened, James stuck his head inside.  “Your 2pm appointment is here boss.”

“Thank you James.”  Bette stood, pulled on her jacket and became Dean Porter, once again making the transition from one world to another with the ease that only she seemed to possess.   No one would ever share her thoughts of how and why she was now at this juncture in her life both personally and professionally.