Well lets just say that I got to go, Gwen picked me up for my big day. She actually knocked, went head to head with mom and Greg. Evening. Its so nice to finally meet you. Tinas told me so many good things about you. Oh shes such a player. Greg shook her hand and invited her in whole mom thawed her icy glare. Dont worry about a thing, the concert may run a little late, but well be back before we turn into pumpkins. Can you believe that we didnt actually have a concert planned? Yeah I thought so. Gwen finally had her place settle so she planned a special party. When we were outside in her truck I gave her a kiss hello. I got the E. Its critical, pure MDMA, the real deal. But you dont have to try it if you dont want to. Speed with a hint of psychedelia? Going primeval, no fear, no pain? I want to do everything with you. I told her. She nodded, Cool. Cause I want you to go all the way to heaven. And I want to take you there. We got to her house before the others would get there. I mean no parents? The stoner grapevine buzzes overtime. Lets drop the E now. I want you to peak while its just you and me. I really had no idea what to expect, it took an our to come on and discover a new universe. Ecstasy is hard to describe. Its like falling softly into a pool of crystal mountain water, floating on your back circular beneath a vibrant sky, deciphering codes in the clouds and spinning dizzy, fast. It isnt at all like going out of your head lunatic mad, throwing yourself in front of a runaway train insane, hallucinating black widows and black helicopters behind you crazy. Its a lot more like jumping into your own brain, ferreting whats inside, accepting past failures, freeing self destructive demons, forgiving yourself and those you love; even those you despise. Gwen was right there riveted to my side as I laughed and cried. Finally she kissed me and it was just as fine as any kiss could ever be. Tender. Blossoming. Passionate. Intense. Only on E it was more. It was like opening myself up as wide as I could go and inviting her inside. She crawled right in, filled me with love so close to perfect. I asked her to take me to her bed; she did. At that moment Gwen Chase was the most beautiful person in the world to me, she reminded me exactly what making love should be. At the first knock I was glowing. Soon the house filled with friends, acquaintances, complete strangers. I wanted to get to know each and every one of them and I wanted them all to know everything about me; my intellect, my beauty, my righteousness. Maybe you have to have been there(or to a rave) to relate. I had accessed my innermost recesses, I had this need to explore, to expand, to excavate. The most incredible place I had ever been was right inside of me. If I left I might never find it again, and so I refused to sink down, to close the door, to rebuild that wall. When someone offered a second dose of birthday E, I said, Absolutely. When somebody broke out the meth I was ready, to snort up, to smoke up, to shoot upI should have been scared to death, but ecstasy dissolves all fear. Unforgettable birthdays arent east to come by. Do you remember your 4th? Your 12th? If you do remember them, why? Presents? Surprises? Firsts? Or did pain define thos memorable days? To my 90th birthday I with never forget my 19th. It was a day of firsts, giving myself willingly to ecstasy, giving myself to Gwen, to a needle. It didnt hurt, not at all. The sting was actually pleasant almost, like excising an ingrown toenail. Now take the rush of snorting, multiply by 100 and you get smoking; to find mainlining you approach infinity. Have you ever once reached out to touch infinity? Theres elevation but theres a whole lot more too. They say people who die from ecstasy die from overheating. Adding speed to the mix accelerates the process because it makes you want to dance until the sun comes up. The music made me dance, it entered my brain and fired spark plugs and pistons, it revved me to my feet. The crank was jet fueled, pumping through my veins, propulsion; I shifted into overdrive my motor heating steadily. I danced with girls, with guys, hotter, closer, melting together like candles in a south facing window. Our dance was primitive, beautiful, like waves at high tide; it was sensual, sexual, and at the same time completely innocent. Spent calories orbited with our raising temperatures; some drank alcohol, the wise drank water, but it tasted as good as champagne. Somehow the subject of my birthday came up, word spread and the mood elevated beyond celebratory. I was gifted with tender kisses, probing, inviting, feminine, masculine, one just emptied into the next, eddies in the swollen river. I kept my eyes closed and absorbed sensations until it screamed for release. So I guess the part that came next seemed very right. I dont know whose blade it was or whose idea it was. I dont remember saying yes but I know I didnt say no. I do know that the knife was sharp, one knick at my wrist; I didnt even hurt, it didnt seem wrong. It was like rust in my mouth, rich red salt, I drank it downI actually asked for more. I offered my own to those who would partake, it was fever, fire, I was on fire; time hesitated and solid earth gave way, secure arms caught me and carried me to the cool outside. A familiar mouth found mine and I looked into Gwens eyes and found emotions in turmoil; fear, need, concern, lust. I love you Tina. I wasnt sure but I said it anyway, I love you too. For real? I reached up and kissed her, the sweet taste of alcohol on her tongue. It was all very real despite the slight juxtaposition of colors in the sky. You take my breath away, she said this to me and it was like I was on fire again. Make love to me, I dont care who sees. She might have but the alarm on her cell phone went off signaling the arrival of 2am. *****, no way. Come on, lets go! It was well beyond the witching hour as Gwen hustled most of her guests out the front door, of course there were a few tied up in the bedroomsnot literally of coursewell I dont think so at least. Damn, She was so mad at herself, I didnt want to piss off your parents. We wouldnt make it home until almost three, but the E insisted I remain hopeful. Theyre always in bed by ten. We pulled up and every light was on, upstairs and down, I caught my moms face at the windowWe had turned into pumpkins after all. It doesnt look like theyre asleep, stating the obvious. You guessed itgrounded again; I couldnt believe that Gwen was actually brave enough to walk me to the door. Mom pounced, Do you realize its three a.m.? Gwen tried to apologize, she said we lost track of time, talking. Im sure thats all you were doing. Mom lectured her on responsibility and gave her the old, We were worried to death! Hey, she looked alright to me. What could Gwen do but nod? Well Tina wont be going anywhere for a while. Can you believe that, 19 years old and grounded? I tried to talk my way out of the anger zoneno good. What were you thinking Tina? Greg flashed a half apologetic look as mom continued on. Dont you know that cops keep a lookout for kids like you? First off, Gwen and I werent kids, secondly I hadnt seen a single cop car drive by. Not yet anyway. I was exiled to my purple island where pretty blue butterflies fluttered on the walls in lovely E-enhanced butterfly dance. I tried to be angry but the ecstasy wouldnt let me, in fact it actually made me take a peek at things from moms POV. I mean, we did stay up until the ***** woke up to stoke his crow. Not only that but we did the very things she worried about us doing and more. Introspection would be easy as a dual edged sword. If you acquaint yourself with yourself, you dont always like the person you find inside. I could deal with that. The bigger problem was discovering Sadie didnt really give a damn about liking me. I spent the next day helping mom can tomatoes. She hadnt done this since I was little, but I always remembered that I hated the tedious chore; the last tiny tendril of ecstasy infiltrating me somehow made it enjoyable. I didnt even mind my moms company, my mood actually seemed to rub off on her. She didnt ***** once though she quizzed me quite enthusiastically about the previous nights activities. I found that a very big part of me wanted to confess, to ask for forgiveness, request help. Oh, I knew that my bad habits had escalated, and if Tina had gotten her way that day, well, who knows? But over the last few weeks Sadie had grown stronger in her argument, mom might put her away, far removed from friends, Gwen, and all personal choice it was feasible. So I refused to waver from the concert and long conversation excuse, and when she asked about drugs I summoned every ounce of righteous indignation I could muster and denied touching a things except a toke or two of weed. I knew she wouldnt be too upset about that, and by the time all the jar lids on row upon row of salsa, sauce, and ketchup, I was still grounded; but at least mom wasnt mad anymore. Burned out and burning up, coming down, I popped three aspirin against the throbbing in my skull and attempted a nap. I laid in bed sweating out toxins, the last of the E and crank aching from the inside out. Could I ever shift into reverse? Falling from euphoria, I face planted into depression, hard, somersaulting through your own *****, its harder yet to back up without tripping and falling all over again. I felt out of control, a meteorite tumbling through space tugged by gravity toward a certain doom. I jerked awake well after dark, yanked into unconsciousness by mom and Greg yelling in the hall. Are you that blind Jackie? You dont sleep like that unless youre crashing. Shes running a fever Greg. And just what makes you an expert? Come on, we both know the scene, you just refuse to believe it. We had a long talk today. She swears the only thing she tried was pot. Like your sweet little Christina is above lying to you? But what do we have to do? Search her room? Get her tested? We pull the reigns tighter, no dates, and straight home after classes. Greg shes nineteen years old for Christs sake. But she still lives under your roof. For how long, were not going to keep her here forever. At least until she brings home some gradesif shes doing okay than shes free. What about now? Should I try and wake her for dinner? Let her sleep, if she really is sick than she needs the rest, especially after last night. Okay, but will you please just keep an open mind about thisand thank you, for caring. If grades were the criteria than I would be in deep friggin *****. It was two weeks until grades went out so there was no way I could make them up now. And if they were going to start checking my room I had some serious stashing to do, but I didnt dare move, not for a while. I stared off into the dark thinking about Gwen. No dates? Alone in my bed I could taste her, feel her skin warm against my own, it was kind of funny actually as I looked downI was wearing one of Bettes old t-shirtsI dont think that girl would ever get out of my head But there as the house fell silent I could her Gwens whispered I love you, and it had been so long since Id heard those words from Bette, it seemed like another life. I couldnt live without either of thembut right now I knew Gwen was what I needed. Live without her? I dont think they could make me, I would go to her that night. I really had no way to get all the way to her apartment after I had snuck out (no car sadly), so the only thing that came to mind was of course hitching. I stuck my thumb out. Anyone could have come along, a rapist, a serial killer, Nate. Lucky me I drew a cop. The black and white approached slowly, crept past, and brake lights flashed. Dead, I wasnt holding and I wasnt high, but I was buzzed. The first thing he asked me was how old I wasright then I lied. I figured if I did get busted for something drug related I would be taken to juvie instead of jail, it had to be better than jail right? I told him I was 17 and since I had no way of proving it he had to go on my word. I mean I didnt look any older than 17. So he picked me up for being out past curfewfunny, he probably wouldve let me go if I just told him my real age. He was close to just taking me home but I told him my parents were out of town and if I tried to tell him I was 19 now, he would think I was lying. Whats your name? It never crossed my mind that I couldnt get out without it so I said, SadieSadie Chase. I wasnt really scared. They asked me a lot of questions and I made up every answer the post important one being, My parents cant be reached, can I call my sister? They handed me the phone and I could only hope she was home. Gwen? Its Sadieyour sister? Listen I got picked up for curfew. I listened to Gwen as she laughed her ***** off only imagining how I got into this mess. I had roused her from deep crash ***** though so it took her a little longer to come out of it. Since mom and dad are out of town they brought me to Wittenberg. Somehow after that she got my drift and told me to chill, shed see what she could do. There werent any questions after that. No tests, not even the rush of a strip search. They marched my down to a holding cell and gave me four solid hours to wonder what came next. There was no word from my family, Tinas or Sadies. After that they took my clothes and gave me baggy gray sweats, assigned me a bed in the dormitory. I joined the general populationI wonder where that term came from, because they certainly werent general. I may have been olderbut damn it didnt seem like it. Roomie number one was a ganger named Lucinda who was involved in a drive by. Roomie number two was Felice, she was in for wrecking a Caddie that she had carjacked at knifepoint. Roomie number three was Rose, she beat up her motherwith the butt of her gun; of course she had a good excuse. All of us were extremely different, but we all had one thing in commontotal infatuation with the monster. To tell you the truth it scared me a little. But not that much. I spent most of Sunday chatting with the tough girls. It went like this; trash talk, honest talk, tagging, expression, street fighting, courage, color, family, hunger, need, speed, crashing, connections, scoring, trafficking, shooting up, popping a cap, remorse, doing time. I let Sadie do my trash talking while Tina stuck with honesty and somehow Lucinda and I developed an odd rapport. And by the time Gwen called my parent and told them where they could find me (can you believe you need a real parent to get you out of juvie? Even if you dont belong there?). and they released me bright and early Monday morning; I was a slightly tougher girl with a new connection. I wound up not having to do anything legal wise because my mom had brought along my drivers license proving that I shouldnt have been picked up for curfew in the first place. Greg sulked like a pissed puppy and refused to say one word. Mom of course manufactured a plethora of tears to accompany her long-suffering mother diatribe; she had plenty to say about deceit, distress, and STDs. As for me, I was less than contriteI didnt care about being grounded, I mean I already wasbesides, now I had a new connection. Back in my room my life closed around me, I wasnt my own any longer. Mom had poured through all of my stuff, scoured my journal, letters, and address books; she only found a bit of evidence, a crumpled Marlboro wrapper and a new lighter. Hey it made her day to discover I was a hardcore tobacco user, there was more lectures, more promises from my end. She went off to do some work and a sudden wave of exhaustion swallowed me, Id walked through the last few days in a total haze. My system had finally purged itself of go fast and it was time to shut down. I laid down and surrendered myself to the comfort of dreams. I awoke the next morning semi-refreshed and as I got myself ready for classes I made a few resolutions: -One week to the end of the term, I would ask if there was anyway I could get some sort of makeup work. -I would help out around the house, show mom and Greg I was grateful for what theyd done. -I would write to my Grandma once a week, even if she didnt know who the letters were from. -I would reconnect with old friends. And Bette. -I would never shoot up again. I would smoke less, toot less, keep my bad habits manageable (Notice I didnt say quit them.) I would also avoid sipping other peoples blood. The only problem with resolutionstheyre only as solid as the people making them.