Fifteen blocks and a bus ride later were walking through big revolving doors in the eternal Land of Antiseptic. My stomach rocks at the perfume of rubbing alcohol and bleachbut somewhere in the sickening smell a wonderful memory floated, but faded almost as quickly as it came. The receptionist at the front desk told us that Lynn was in the ICU and then asked if we were relatives. Ive seen enough trashy soap operas to nod and smile politely, I figured that Im the one with the closest resemblance to her so I needed to say something. Im her sister, this is myourcousin. The lady barely batted an eyelash behind her thick black framed glasses. She told us that the elevators were around the corner, pointing a crooked finger without even looking up. We got off on the seventh floor and the nurse there greeted us with a warm smile and told us we missed visiting hours, but considering we were relatives shes let us poke our head in the door. Youd think a place like intensive care would be more private right? People are practically on their deathbeds, families are crying, grieving for their loved ones; but its not. Big windows give unobstructed hallway-to-room views. Blatant views to a sea of white, uniforms, sheets, curtains, floors and walls; people lie in comas, vegetative states, stitched and bandagedwas it weird to find it comforting? We got to Lynns room and it looked like she was floating in that world of white; tubes invading her wrists and nostrils, her liquid lifelines. Dorian let go of my hand and I stopped, letting her take care of what she needed to do. I turned on my heel and walked out to find the waiting room. The chairs were hard and surprisinglywhite, but it didnt matter, every other need that I had denied came flooding back the second I sat down. I needed food, fluids (the non alcoholic kind), soap, shampoo, I felt like I hadnt been clean in weeks. I needed Dorian, her heart, her promises, her tomorrow; but deep down I needed to go home, I may have loved Dorian, but no matter how much it was overshadowed for what I felt for my best friend. I cant believe Im going to say this but I missed my mom too. And all that made me really, really, need a line. By the time we actually left it was evening, it was breezy, but even that was too hot to cool the night. The darkness seemed to make the stars ignite even more, glowing like candles in the night sky and Im reminded of the plastic glow in the dark stars I stuck to Bettes car not long agoalthough it feels like it was another lifetime. We found the bus stop quietly, but I knew she wanted to say something. There was no kiss at my door, hardly a whispered goodbye, it wasnt enough but I didnt want to beg for more. I didnt know if she meant forever? Or for now? I walked in and Andy asked where I had been and I told him. How is she? he asked. I opened my mouth to say something but shut it just as quickly. I had no idea, Dorian hadnt given a thing away. I heard it was touch and go there for a while, he said conversationally. It still looked that way, machines pumping her existence through her almost lifeless body via plastic tubes. Its too bad, he said shaking his head Shes a pretty girl. Shes not so pretty anymore; head to toe black and blue, her framework shattered and a face that was facing uncertain healing. He sat there looking deep in thought and I actually expected something insightful and profound to come from his lips. I was sadly mistaken. Hard to believe we just partied together. I looked at him like he was insane; he really didnt get ithe really didnt care he just turned back to his TV. I shook my head and walked over to the refrigerator, held my breath, and looked inside. Sorry, there aint much in there. Moldy cheese, chunky milk, peanut butter, and soggy brown celery; there was an apple though a little soft but ediblealmost sweet. We can go out to dinner if you want. My brain tried to tell me I was insane for even contemplating thisbut my stomach won out and I agreed. McDs okay? I shrugged, whatever, I was hungry. An hour, tons of tasteless, useless, and meaningless food and conversation later we pushed back through the apartment door. I actually had a good timeok not a good time, but it wasnt painful. Andy asked a whole bunch of questions definitely worthy of answers, but how do you tell the guy who destroyed your family life how much your life has changed? How do you explain gut wrenching insight to someone lacking vision? How could I admit my part in the current melodrama to a psyche devoid of guilt? How could I share the way my heart was broken with someone who didnt believe in love? So.small talk it was. Its probably all were ever going to manage. We couldnt have spent more than two hours within the three weeks, tied up in talking to each other. He didnt ask the normal adult stuff, if I had even gotten high before I came here, never asked if I liked it. He only wanted to know if Dorian and I had done the dirty; possibly between his very own disgusting sheets. His question dripped voyeurism. He accepted my negative answer, although his smile showed that he didnt believe a word. I wondered if anyone else would believe me. Andy left after a while. He left me alone in the small apartment to stress, to cry, to choke on my emotions and the green nose clogging globs in serious need of a good blowinstead I just let it drip. I was in mid-drip when Dorian knocked on the door. I considered pretending I wasnt there, I wasnt sitting alone hurting and bursting because of her. I wasnt dying over this whole story, this whole sorry pile of ***** that I dug myself into. But I wanted to see her more than anything at that moment; I needed to know that I didnt imagine the whole head over heels thing. I had to go home in a few days; I wanted to go knowing that she was in love. I found a paper towel, blew my nose, and went to let her in even though I probably looked as good as my dead and buried grandma. Okay I looked awful and to anyone else she wouldve looked worse, but to me she looked like an angel, a poor, sad, beautiful angel. Her hurt swallowed mine completely and the two twined together. Im sorry, she whispered. Me too. Im just really confused. Ditto. I do know I love you. Me too. I know I was harsh, but oh well, I didnt have the patience for this right now. So of course I go and do a really stupid thing. She pulled a bindle out of her pocket and tapped the sparkly powder inside as she eyed me up and down. Cooked up fresh yesterday, she said it like she was almost happy now, her confusion and pain erased by a single thought. Tina said no, but the monster broke Sadies door down. Theres my girl, she reached to my face and put the strands of blonde behind my ear Lets forget all this bullshit and fly yeah? And thats what we did, well beyond the night and into the day. Dorian laughed, Its funny ya know, the worse this ***** treats you, the more you love it. We were slouched on the couch side by side, her hand laying on top of mine. I already knew what she said had to be true. Blood was blistering in my veins as thoughts were stampeding through my head. She turned to me and I swear she was looking right through me, Youre the most incredible, I never though someone like you would fall for someone like me. She smiled and I smiled back. Then she got this really pensive look and sat there quiet for a few minutes before saying anything else. But are you Tina? Or Sadie? Tina would never be doing this, Tina would know how bad this is. So at the moment, Sadie. Tina is who they made me, Christian actually, but Sadie is who I chose to be. How about you, Lolita or Dorian? Again with the look, her intense green eyed stare bore into me like a white hot laser. With you Im Dorian, and youre my Tinamy beautiful princess; we can run away together ya know, find somewhere to be.forever. That was it, I was a goner. She took me in her arms; her kisses melting hurt like forgotten ice. Unhurried hands were lifting my shirt, my heart thumping so loud I thought it may be audible or visible, passion rose up; in my heartand a little farther south. They meth fueled inferno built me thigh to belly button as Dorians mouth moved further down, lowering inch by inch and I was so ready at that very secondof course then I had to pee. I passed by the mirror and grabbed a quick glance at Sadie, meth embers blazing behind dilated black windows. She didnt look bad, not dead and buried anyway, actually she was pretty animated. I dropped my jeans and guess whatyeah that time of the monthI couldve ***** killed something right then. Funny how it shows up unbidden on your doorstep, the true-blue party killer. This time though it was encouraged by the monster, I stopped the flow, changed my clothes and went to tell Dorian. She said she didnt care; flustered and flushed she pouted, pleaded, and cajoled until I told her that I didnt want our first time to be in a fountain of menstrual blood. Cant tell you how many times Ive regretted that one. Thankfully that day there was still enough if Tina left to feel humiliation, still a little of her old fashioned morals somewhere inside; there was still a healthy dose of survival instinct buried under a childhood that was fractured by bad parenting, hormones, and smashed by the monsters fist pressed into memory by two faced bravado. No way. I said. Why not? she whined. You know why not. Oh come on, you know you want to. I nodded reluctantly, Yeah I do. But I cant. She flopped back onto the couch. Thats not right Sadie, look what you did to me. What? What did I do? You made me need you. I shook my head confused, Youre the one who brought that ***** with you. Youre the one who had your hands all over me. We can do it next time. Not next time, now. She took my hand and unzipped her jeans, pushing it down into her underwear; she showed me how to make it right, for herbut what about me? Its these kind of things that make me feel cheap, the way it used to feel with Kevin. They both made me feel cheap for doing exactly what they begged for. They played me, claiming they loved me and making me believe it was true. I was considering all of this a few days later. I considered my suitcase sitting empty and closed on the floor. Empty and closed like Andy, he wasnt hopeless, but he wasnt ready to be filled with any kind of decency. Empty and closed like Mom, off with Greg the new long-term guy, and empty like her bottles of Jack and Vodka. Empty and closed like the vacant eyes of my lost little brother, poor Colin alone and sad in that dark coffin. Empty and closed like Lynn floating in some frozen netherworld that neither the sun nor the rain could thaw. There was way too much to think about, I unzipped my suitcase and started to pack. One day and counting, Adam had left his cell phone with me so that my mom could call; she said she was supposed to and she actually did, Are you ready to come home hunny? Everything straightened out? (yea I couldnt believe she said it either.) Greg cant wait to meet you. Translation: Youre coming home right? Make sure you leave all of that bullshit in Houston. You need to pretend were not screwed up so I can sucker this guy into marrying me and I wont even need to work. Andy called a little later from the alley. I took the dayshift so we could hang-out. You want to go to dinner? Did you say goodbye to Lolita? Translation: We should at least spend one night together so you put in a good word for me with your mom. The fridge is empty again. Shes not over there boinking ya is she? I called Dorian right after I hung up with Andy, Lynn is off the respirator, but still in a coma. Can I see you later? I have a surprise for you. Translation: Looks like shell survive, with or without a brain. Are you still on your period? Im on my way to pick up a bindle. To speed or not to speed, that is the question. I told her to come on over because I wasnt doing anything, then I got stressed like I do anytime she pops into my head; anyway, I had only today to make her remember me in whatever way I could. Okay so maybe it really wasnt such a great idea flying home high, or crashing fast with the last little tiny remnants of speed and I fighting to feel good, no matter what the buzz had becomewhich is low, so low it was hard to remember the best of it. Soor course I chose to go for it, after all Dorian, Sadie, and the monster were inextricable friends. Just a couple of toots, skeletal lines in a jaundiced yellow that bring evil little breezes up the nose. One inhale was awesome; a mean tiny hammer sends blows to the brain and at the moment I didnt care who knew I was high. (Clueless cops would be nice though.) But I didnt care about Andy who would be home any second, ***** hes probably want a line or two for himself. I didnt care about the people next door who Im pretty sure kept an ear to the paper thin walls waiting to see if I would fly, or attempt it. Like our wingless Lynn who tried to defy all instinct and natural law, balled up courage and counted to three, cresting the edge in one mighty leap. Or maybe she did just fall. I wonder about that, just like I wonder if, while I was locked in a cage of dreamless sleep; a place where only the drug could drop you, if I heard the cry of a fallen broken bird. But right at that moment I could only think of my own pain stabbing through tendrils of pleasure. I asked Dorian to hold me, kiss me longer, harder. Oh god I love you. She said back as she wrapped her arms around my waist and pressed her lips forcefully on mine. She said she didnt want to live without me, and I told her she didnt have to, she could call and write. I will, I promise. I stopped, I promised Bette the same thingand I didnt keep it. But that was a lifetime ago, and I moved onno doubt she has. I promised her I would come back. I want to give you something. She said, and I cant believe I let her. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, locked into the love of the needle. Ill always be a part of you now, right there on your thigh, stashed under your skin. I accepted Dorians tattoo, the tiny heart; a very big symbol bonding us, her ink in my flesh.