Hey Babies, How are my Boys? Two pint size teddy bear yorkies came running up to greet her. She bent down and they jumped into her lap. Both overjoyed that their mommy was home. She bought Max and Sam when she first moved to LA. Ryan loves the companionship, loyalty, and undying, unconditional love they offer her. They are her comfort in a time of transition.

Ryan checked her call notes. No blinking lights, no new messages. She thought for sure her parents would call. Like clock work they phone every Saturday night at 8:00. Getting in touch with her most Saturday nights isnt a problem. One of the many privileges of being a obsessive compulsive workaholic. She glanced at her calendar and remembered her parents had a Christmas party at the neighbors. Great, that means Mom will call bright and early tomorrow to give me all the stuffy, boring details.

She walked through the kitchen and let the dogs outside. She loved to watch them run and play in the backyard. She unloaded her dishwasher then went through the mail. Nothing good, just bills and a Christmas card from her Great Aunt Kay. Single and rather goofy, Aunt Kay always sends a picture of her cat dressed up. This year it was an Elf. How exciting for the cat, she thought.

She went through her bills. Ford Credit, Best Buy, and The Pottery Barn. When she was promoted she went out and bought a brand new 2004 Ford Supercrew 150 4×4. Black, of course. Not very practical, but fun. Neither was the home entertainment system complete with a flatscreen plasma HDTV. As she looked at the balances, she realized just how long she was going to pay for the Fun.


She let the dogs back in and they followed her down the hall to the bathroom. She gave them some chew toys and they laid down on the bathroom rug while she started her bath water.
She went back into the kitchen and grabbed the matches and poured herself a glass of wine. When she got back into the bathroom she turned the heater on and popped in a CD.

She tugged her boots and socks off, threw them into her closet. Two points! as the socks landed in the clothes hamper. Damn. as the boots hit the wall and made a mark. She slid her jeans off and they casually fell to the floor revealing her Victorias Secret cotton bikinis. She pulled her black shirt over her head put into the drop off at the cleaners pile.

She carefully studied herself in the mirror. She was pleased with her body. She worked hard at keeping in shape. She mostly ran and lifted weights, recently she added kickboxing and karate to mix up the routine.
She ran her fingers over the scar at the top of her shoulder. A flesh wound from a hit she took at a ransom drop off in a kidnapping case. She unhooked her matching Victorias Secret bra. Ryan wasnt a fashion guru or anything, but she had good fashion sense. With a body like hers, she looked good in most anything. She had one weird quirk, she was obsessed with only wearing matching bras and panties from Victorias Secret. An obsession that was getting a little expensive.

She pulled her hair back then hit the lights and climbed into the tub. Steam rose up off the water. She sank in, letting the hot water cover every inch of her body. The sensual scent of jasmine vanilla now filled the bathroom. She felt the tension lift up and out of her body.

No matter how much you think you want or need it, the past has to remain just that, the past

So we have to be strong, and Im finding that hard
We have to move on, but no matter how hard I try
If your hearts in pieces, you look for the truth
And when I look deep down inside I know, its too bad I love you

Lyrics from a Phil Collins CD she was listening to.

She sighed and let herself go to a place in her heart she rarely visits. That place, deep inside, in a small corner that lies all the feelings we all share. Feelings of love, truth, insecurity, rejection, and heartbreak. Sometimes memories bring peace sometimes they bring pain. Sometimes they bring both, depending on how we choose to remember them.

Ryan thought back to Alex. Alex was her first love in High School. Just the thought of Alex made Ryan smile. Alex was a tall girl with intense brown eyes and long blonde hair. She had a smile that would make Julia Roberts jealous. Ryan fell in love with Alex the summer of ninth grade. They in played basketball and volleyball together and had been close friends since grade school.
Ryan didnt make her feelings know until New Years Eve the following winter. She had spent the night over at Alexs. They had stayed up late talking and laughing like girls that age do. Two young, innocent girls and one innocent kiss led to a night of uninhibited passion. The first sexual experience for both. The encounter led to a friendship broken and heartbreak, with Ryan being the one with her heart crushed. She lost Alex for good. From then on there was only separation and silence between the two.
In her drunkenness, Ryan told Taylor about Alex one night in their dorm freshman year. To this day, except for Taylor, Ryan has never told anyone about Alex. The grief runs deep enough that Ryan even avoided her ten year high school reunion.

Bailey. When Ryan first met her thought was, This girl is going to be the death of me. Ryan was a psychology major and in her spare time she tutored student athletes. Bailey was a field hockey player that she tutored.
They met every Thursday in the library. Discussions on psychology turned into discussions on life. Casual conversations turned into flirtatious conversations. A momentary look turned into gazing. Walks around campus turned into intimate dinners. Intimate dinners turned into passionate nights in the bedroom. Like turned into Love and Friends turned into Lovers.

Both remained in the closet. Again, Taylor was the only one Ryan confided in. Bailey came from a very religious family and probably would be disowned. Ryan was scared her parents would pull her financial support for college. Ryan wasnt sure exactly how her parents would feel knowing their daughter was *****. Playing it safe by not telling them was her solution until she was established after college.

Somewhere deep down, Ryan knew Bailey would break her heart. Her faith in love was somewhat lacking. Spring semester of their senior year Bailey started gently pulling away. Ryan knew it, she just refused to believe it. Bailey was accepted into Baylor College of Medicine in Houston. Ryan was accepted into the FBI academy. Career dreams were coming true and the realities that came with those dreams were hitting home.

A small glimpse of hope remained the night Bailey knocked on Ryans door. Hope that remained until Ryans saw the tears and distress on Baileys face. It was the look of letting go. The look that says Im leaving you. Ryan hung her head. No words were spoken the rest of the night. Goodbye was shared between the sheets of Ryans bed. Part of Ryan died during that moment of goodbye. Pain and loss shut down her senses. The last she saw of Bailey was the next day at graduation. Grief filled eyes, a blown kiss, and wave across the parking lot was the last of she saw of true love.