Sam smirked. “Just now.”

“Ow!” Alice yelped. She shot a dirty look at Sammy, a hand rubbing her sore arm. “Hit on, dumbass!”

“Whoops.” Sam shrugged apologetically, though the look on her face told me she was anything but apologetic.

I rolled my eyes. “Okay, let me rephrase that question. When was the last time you had sex?”

“Two days ago.”

Alice and Shane shared a look.

“Sammy,” I sighed wearily. “Perhaps I wasn’t making myself clear. Let me try again: when was the last time you had some kind of sexual contact that does not involve you alone in your bedroom with no other company than your fingers, dildos and vibrators?”

I got her there, alright. Flustered, Sam closed her mouth and looked away.

“That’s what I thought. You need to get laid.” I shrug, twisting the knife in a little deeper. “I know a person should learn to love herself first before loving others, but really, you’re killing your pussy with boredom with all that self-love.”

“Man,” Shane breathed out in disbelief, her eyes wide at Sam. “Your vagina must hate you.”

“That’s what I’ve been saying all along!” Alice exclaims, looking over her shoulder at me and Sam. “I know you’re still hopelessly crushing on Helena, but c’mon, stop pining over her and start paying attention to your pussy. Please.” She says, stressing on her words with a pitiful look. “Have pity on it – actually, have pity on us. Your vagina’s starting to smell funky from years of neglect and it’s bothering me. You know I have a very sensitive sense of smell.”

“That’s a load of bull.” Sam scoffs. “And no, my lady parts don’t smell.”

“Lady parts? What are we, five?” Alice mocks with a grin. “And yes Samantha, your lady parts stink.”

“No it doesn’t.”

“Yeah, it does.” Alice’s lips pull upwards at one side, her body twisting back so that she’s walking backwards and facing me and Sammy. Her mischievous eyes zeroed in on Sam’s crotch, her nose scrunched. “It kinda smells–”

“Fishy?” Shane joins in the fun.

“Nah,” Alice grins. “It’s something a little more.. hm.. sad.”

“Sad?” I smirk.