I know that I have gone deep last night, a few times I thought about how it would be to be dead, I even had the rope (that was in the little closet in my room) in my hands and I stared at it, ready to tie it somewhere and hang myself but I looked to the ceiling and began to cry. I let go of the rope and fell to my knees and for the first time since I was 10, I prayed. I begged for help, for anything that could assure that I would be okay. It hit me that I was really on the verge of killing myself. I needed strength and somehow, I got a little courage out of that prayer.

Now, in the light of day, I know that it will take another six years to get me praying again but I’m happy I had something to keep me going. I’m still convinced that there is no God, though.

Before I can think more, Tina stirs and opens her eyes. Her hazel eyes look into my deep brown ones and the familiar feeling I always get, returns but I am still not sure if she means this or if she is just scared of losing me. I still don’t feel like she has proven that she means it.

“Bette.” She whispers.

I don’t answer and stand up.

“Please.” She pleads, while also standing up. I can’t take this push and pull stuff. I really can’t. I want to walk away but she grabs my wrist. “Listen, just listen and then you can go if you want.”

I turn around and look at her, she is begging me to stay and hear her out. Maybe I should. I nod and say “Okay.” It can’t hurt, right?

“I don’t want to run anymore. I don’t want to feel incomplete anymore. I don’t want to fight my feelings. I know that I hurt you by freaking out, I think I just wasn’t ready for the feelings that would emerge from that kiss but like I said in the letter, I’ve never felt that good in my life. Please, give me the chance to make it up to you and show you that I really love you. Bette, please forgive me.” I look at her and see that she means it. I’m able to see when she means something or not and I’ve never seen it so pure in her eyes.