KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Tina? Please babyopen the door.

Bette sighed to herself as she tried to figure out what to do next. After Tina had found her at the club she had left without saying a word but when Bette followed her out she seemed to disappear leaving Bette in a state of both panic and anger. After she couldnt find her, Bette had gone back inside and ignored the hard looks she was getting from Mimi and Ivy knowing that she didnt want to hear whatever they had to say right now. Bette made Alice drive her home so that she could get her car and half an hour later she was parked in front of Tinas town home hoping they could talk about what Tina saw. Bette put her hands on her hips as she paced back and forth a little trying to figure out how to explain things to Tina without it sounding like some sleazy excuse or some petty reaction to missing her. Bette knocked on the door again.

Baby please let me in

Bette just go home

Surprisingly Tinas voice just sounded tired and sad which made Bettes worry grow. If Tina had been yelling and screaming at her that would have been one thing, but her being so calm and distant like this had totally confused Bette. Bette remembered that she had a key to Tinas house so she used it knowing that Tina would probably just yell at her for this, but she just didnt care. Bette opened the door cautiously and her heart dropped when she saw Tina just sitting on the couch crying. Her suitcases were still downstairs and it looked to Bette like she just walked in the house. Bette moved over to Tina and tried to wrap her arms around her but Tina shook her off and pulled her knees up to her chest hugging them tightly. Bette looked at Tina with concern and she just didnt know how to react to Tina. Bette decided that she would just try and explain herself so she began speaking softly.

Tinababy its not what you think. We were just dancing. Alice dragged me to that stupid club because she said I needed to get out of the house and then I met Sasha. I told her I had a girlfriend but she asked me to dance anyways so I thought

Bettestop. Just stop. I dont want to hear it okay?

Tinas voice cracked with emotion but she held the tears in. Bette waited for her to continue but when she didnt, Bette just stared at her angrily. Why doesnt she want to know what I was doing. Does she not care anymore? What is going on? Bette stood up in front of Tina with her hands on her hips and looked down at her. Tina looked up at Bette for a second then looked back down at her knees. Bette saw the pain and frustration in Tinas eyes and she couldnt figure out why they werent yelling at each other right now. Usually when they fight Tina is the one doing most of the talking while Bette retreats and puts her walls up, but tonight the roles were reversed. It felt totally foreign to Bette to be the one who had to push to know what was going on in Tinas head and it made her realize a little why Tina always got so frustrated with her.

Then what Tina? What do you want me to say?

I dont know

Bette looked around Tinas home and at her luggage then finally back at Tina. Bette could sense something was bothering her, something more than what had happened tonight, and Bette knew she should be there and support her right now, but she was still upset that Tina wasnt giving her a chance to explain. Bette sat back down and reached for Tina again but this time Tina stood up and walked towards the kitchen. Bette watched her walk away and she was getting tired of Tinas silent treatment. Bette stood up and walked around the couch but chose to just lean against it instead of following Tina into the kitchen. Tina poured herself some water before returning to the living room. She sat back down facing Bette and looked up at her with sad eyes. Bette had no clue what to make of the situation so she stood there waiting for Tina to say something. A few moments of complete silence passed before Bette got fed up and finally said something.

Tinawhat is going on? Are you mad at me about tonight? Is something else bothering you? What is it?

Tina looked down to gather her thoughts. She had been thinking about something ever since Bette left New York and tonight almost seemed to validate her thoughts. Tina wished she could just get mad at Bette and explode on her so they could have their fight, let a few days pass, then make upbut she was tired of this. She had done a lot of thinking after Bettes surprise visit and what kept popping up in her head was how strained their relationship had become lately. Tina loved Bette with all of her being but she was tired of having to fight so much with Bette, tired of always feeling like she was second best in Bettes life, tired of all of it. Tina looked up at Bette with tears in her eyes.

Bette

She just didnt know how to explain how she felt to Bette, who would surely just yell at her and storm out like she normally did and that really wasnt how Tina wanted to leave things. She wanted to work through this with Bette, she wanted to make it workbut right now she didnt have the energy to try and figure out a way to do that. This was actually something Tina had been thinking about since Bette asked her to live with her. She knew that if they lived together it meant a whole new step in the relationship, and if Tina was feeling like this now, she could only imagine it getting worse and she didnt want to let that happen. Tina took a deep breath and looked up at Bette again who still had that irritated look on her face. Tina sighed knowing this was going to be hard on both of them so she tried to ease Bettes worries a little.

Babe sit down.

Im fine Tinajust tell me whats wrong.

Bette sit downplease.

Bette looked down at her once more before slowly walking to the other side of the couch and sitting down. To the causal observer, Bettes demeanor was totally controlled, but Tina knew better. Tina knew that just under her cool and collected surface was a temper that could rage out of control at the drop of a hat. Tina looked at Bette sadly before speaking.

Bette Im tired…

What do you want to go to bed and talk about this tomorrow?

NoI mean Im tired of this. Im tired of fighting with out about stupid thingsyoure mad because you see me talking to someone or vice versaIm mad because we dont get to see each otheryoure mad because you feel like Im pushing to hardIm mad because I feel neglected. All of it. Im tired of all of it. I just dont have the energy to do this anymore.

Bette clenched her jaw down and took a few deep breaths before trying to figure out what to say to that. She didnt know where this was coming from and it was certainly a surprise to her. Bette slowly and unclenched her jaw and spoke to Tina in a soft voice.

So what does that mean T?

I dont know Bettebut arent you tired of it too? I mean arent you tired of trying so hard to make this work? It isnt supposed to be this difficult.

I dont know what youre talking about Tina.

Tina looked at Bette with frustrated eyes. She knew Bette knew but she just wasnt going to admit it. Bette continued speaking in the same forced controlled tone and Tina was just waiting for her to snap. She braced herself for the conversation they were about to have.

But what about New York Tina? What about thenthat wasnt hard.

That was one time in six months Bette. And thats how its been lately. Weve been so busy that we dont have time for one another and most of the time we did have we spent fighting or being too exhausted to even talk to each other before falling asleep. I dont know about you, but to me that just doesnt feel like a relationship.

Bette immediately felt her temper rising and she stood up and paced back and forth as she tried to control the words that were coming out of her mouth.

So what Tina? I dont get itwhere is all this coming from? And whatare you saying that we dont have good times together? Or are you saying you just dont want to be in this relationship anymore because its too much work? Because thats what relationships are Tinayou have to work at them in order to make them succeed.

I know that Bettebut it feels like we are working overtime for such little results.

Bette stopped pacing and glared at Tina with anger burning in her eyes. She had no idea what the ***** Tina was talking about and she was tired of having to watch her every step because she was afraid of scaring Tina off. Bette turned so that she was fully facing Tina and put her hands on her hips again.

Little results? Jesus Tina were you that unhappy with me?

No Betteyou dont get it. Im not unhappy with youIm unhappy with us.

Well correct me if Im wrong but I thought I was part of US.

You areand so am II dont know. Maybe we just

Maybe we just what? Need some time apart? Give me a break Tinayou know that ***** is just an excuse for breaking up. But you know whatlet me save you the trouble of having to take the break.

Bette got up and started walking to the door mumbling under her breath. Tina was getting exasperated but she wasnt going to give up on Bette just yet.

Bette wait

Bette stopped at the door but she didnt turn around. Tina sighed loudly and she knew if she wasnt careful with her choice of words that she would lose Bette forever. Tina walked up behind her and tentatively reached out and put her hands on Bettes shoulders. Bette didnt move, which made Tina glad, but she still didnt turn around so Tina just spoke softly to her.

Bette I love you and no I dont want time apart from youI justI dont knowI think we need to figure some things out.

Bette remained silent and Tina slid her hands down Bettes arms and around her waist. She felt Bette take a deep breath before slowly letting it out. Tina loosened her grip a little so that Bette could turn around in her arms and she looked into Bettes eyes trying to see if she understood. Bette just looked back at her with clouded eyes and Tina let go and took her hand to lead her back to the couch. They sat down and Tina looked at Bette cautiously.

Bettewhy WERE you dancing with that woman tonight?

I told you TinaAlice dragged me there and I was sitting at the bar when Sasha asked me to dance. It was one danceand I told her up front that I had a girlfriend. What were you doing there? And why are you back early?

Tina sighed as she looked at Bette again. She had too many emotions running through her system right now and she didnt know which one to go with. She was furious that Bette had been dancing with someone else, especially since that woman had been gorgeous, but at the same time she was glad she told her upfront that they were togetherand she was still bothered about what she had said before. She meant it when she said she was tired of everything and Tina knew the conversation they were having right now would only lead to another fight.

I got back because we were done early and when you didnt answer your cell phone or your house phone I called Mimi to see if she knew where you were. She said Alice told her she was taking you there so I went to surprise you.

Tina

Bette stood up and started pacing again. Tina was now the one who was confused at her behavior and she didnt know what to make of everything that had happened tonight. Bette stopped pacing and looked down at her with an unreadable expression.

Tina what did you mean we worked so hard for such little results?

II dont know. Its like we have to try so hard just to have five minutes alone together and even then we usually end up fighting or falling asleep without talking very much. I feel like I havent really talked to you in such a long time.

We talk all the time Tand we see each other a lot too. I dont understand why you feel soneglected.

Bettethink about itin the past six months weve seen each other for THREE DAYS.

Because YOU were gone.

I know that Betteand then before that we were fighting so much.

No we werent.

Betteyes we weredo you even remember? We were fighting up until the day I left for Seattle. Damn it Bettedont you remember anything?

Bette looked at her like she was going to explode on her and Tina winced a little as she waited for Bettes eruption. Bette shook her head instead and sat down next to Tina with a sad look on her face.

I do remember things Tinabut I remember the good thingsI remember that night when we stayed up all night talkingdo you remember? At the observatory? It was the night you said you wanted to be with methe first time I was ever truly happy just to be with someone. I remember the first time I saw youyou were so beautiful. And I remember the first time we kissed and the first time we made love. I loved you then and I still love you now and I dont knowthis just doesnt seem like work to me. I love seeing you and I look forward to the times we do get to see each otherbut if it just isnt enough for you then I dont know what to say

Tina had tears in her eyes as she looked at Bette. She remembered all these times toobut she also remembered all the bad times. Tina remembered the nights when Bette would come home in a rage and take it out on her, or the nights she would wait for Bette only to have her call and cancel their plans because she was too busy. Tina remembered the fights that turned into weeks of not talking to each other and how lonely and hurt she felt whenever Bette would get angry with her. Tina felt the tears form as she tried to push these thoughts aside and focus only on the good like Bette was saying.

BetteI remember all of those things toobut that was so long ago. Im talking about nowright nowthis stage of our relationship. I dont knowit feels like were not as close as we used to be or as happy together either. Baby I love youI really truly dobut Im worn out from the fights and the make ups and everything in between. I know we have to do something but I dont know what that something is.

So are you saying this is over Tina? Do you not want to try and make this work?

Bette I do want to make this workbut maybe we should just take some time apart to figure things out?

Tina I dont NEED time apartI love you and thats it. Plain and simple. I dont need time to think about that or figure it out.

I do.

Tina was crying softly and her voice was barely audible but when Bette heard those words come out of her mouth she lost all the composure she was holding on to.

TinaI dont get ityou say you love me and want to work on this but then you say you want to do it alone? That doesnt make any sense to me. Why cant we just go back to the way things were? What was so wrong with us?

Nothing.nothing was wrongit just feels like we lost the fire in our relationship Bette. It feels like we lost somethingand I dont know how to get that back.

Tina what are you talking about? You cant possibly be serious. We havent lost the fire babecome on Tlook youre tired and Im tiredwhy dont we just sleep and talk about this more tomorrow okay?

Bette tried to hug Tina and this time she let her. Bette wrapped her arms tightly around Tina who just cried into her shoulder softly. After a few minutes Bette pulled back to look into Tinas eyes and spoke softly to her.

Baby I love youwe can work this outwe can do that without having to break upI know we canwe can fix whatever was wrong.

Tina didnt know if Bette was right but she was relieved to know that she at least wanted to try. Tina looked at Bette and kissed her softly on the lips before leaning back in for another hug. They ended up falling asleep on the couch and although neither woman knew for certain what the future would hold they did know one thingthey would face it together.