Fan Fiction
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“Oh My” (Jan FF Challenge – Part 4)
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“It’s about the zombies.”
Now the situation really seemed to be heading off the edge. “Zombies?”
“Zombies,” the woman confirmed. “Women, mostly. They wander through West Hollywood droning on, ‘TiBette, TiBette.”
This idea was confusing to Bette. “You mean the Asian country?” Then again, perhaps it was just a bad reaction between the Cosmos and the freeze ray.
“Actually, they appear to be describing you and your former partner as a single unit.” The woman crossed her arms. “We believe things would go back to normal if you would return to her.”
Tina. It’d been a long time since she’d thought of Tina. In fact, she hadn’t though of Tina in approximately 8 minutes. “I don’t think she wants me back.”
The woman just nodded. “Have you asked her?”
“Asked her?”
“Or maybe you should just show up with a pizza, or something, when she’s washing her car, or sunbathing topless, or something.” The man’s voice wavered under the glare of his partner. “What? Two women together are hot.”
“Women do not become lesbians to be objectified by men,” the woman said through a sign.
“Of course not.” The man agreed. “That’s a bonus.”
For that comment, the man received a strong nudge to the ribs.
“So, what about it?”
Bette looked at the female agent. “What about?”
“Reconnecting with your partner. Don’t you want that?”
“Of course I want that, but it’s not that easy.”
“How is that not easy?” the female agent asked. “You want to be with her.”
“What am I supposed to do, just run up to her and declare that she’s the love of my life.”
“That’s one way, if you don’t have a pizza.”
The male agent found himself the recipient of another nudge to the ribs, this one from the other woman present.
The female agent looked at Bette. “Do you love her?”
“Of course,” Bette explained.
“And do you want to be with her forever?”
“Uh,” Bette started.
“Uh is not satisfactory.”
Bette thought for a moment. Tina. Somehow things had turned so wrong. And Bette found herself here, in a poorly decorated, cheaply furnished house. She’d been sleeping with a woman that she did not love. “You’re right,” Bette agreed. “It’s like I’ve been a zombie, also.”
“Then you’ll take care of this?”
“I will try.”
The man stepped forward. “Try is not good enough, Ms. Porter.
“There aren’t really zombies, are there?” Bette took a few moments to process what the agents had said to her.
The male agent checked his cell phone. “Ms. Porter, after the ninja, the pirates, and the aliens, you believe that there are no zombies.”
“And I’m the key?”
“More like half the key,” the woman explained.
“You and your partner are like the gatekeeper and the keymaster in ‘Ghost Busters,’ but in a good way,” was the man’s contribution.
Tina. The thought was now firmly planted in Bette’s brain. In fact, it was so firmly planted, she wondered how she could have been written so thoroughly off as to be involved with anyone but her wife.
“I’ll do it,” Bette agreed. “Please, let me go home and get dressed first.”
“I’ll drive you,” the man offered.
Bette couldn’t help but fall into one more bout of bad writing. “Are you sure she can’t drive me?”
“He’ll drive you,” the woman reinforced. “It’s for the best,” she added.
Bette nodded. She’d need to get home, clean up. Then she would go to the Planet where, no doubt, Tina would be sitting with her friends.
After that, Bette knew that all she’d have to do would be to declare the truth of her undying love and all would be right in the world. There could be no other course for them, right?
After all, not all writing could be bad, could it?
(And with this the story ends. After all, we all know when table-tossing was first demonstrated as an experimental gay games sport.)
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I was reading in the middle of the night and laughed out loud about the ninjas, pirates and aliens. I interrogated someone who I was convinced was you, but if they are, they didn’t fess up! Will you ever reveal your alternate identity?
Okay, that was really quite ridiculous… as ridiculous as Bette schtupping the carpenter in the first place. But the story was hilarious, and as such, I loved it! I hope there is more coming from you (and have I seen you before somewhere, without the guise of ninja, pirates, or aliens?). Thanks for the story!
I had to click the story because of your name. Also, pirates and ninjas? PIRATES AND NINJAS?!?!?!?!?!?!?! *smiles with glee* I can’t make any promises, but I may read this simply because it sounds like something I’d come up with. Wait, maybe it WAS me who wrote this and I’m not aware of it…
I am…without soap.I dropped it.
Shame that the Tibetter zombies attacked you via the ratings when it turns out you’ve boarded the mother ship at the end. Irony of ironies. Also ironic is that taking the green approach to yardcare results in a most ungreen yard. At least they didn’t use swords or ray guns. I think the reason we can’t all just get along is that some people have no sense of humor and some others have no imagination. I pity the fool who has neither. So like Bette, once again I ask: Who are you?
You dirty girl.
Okay, but I still prefer to think of them delivering burgers and fries.
I think if you had written this story one of us would know, and if I know, I’m not telling.
The ninjas decided for a strategic retreat because, after all, this is fiction.
LMAO…this was totally crazy but why not. I’m one of those Zombies chanting ‘tibette’…lol…I thought Bette would get a lobotomy by the alien so they can examine her..ass..oops I meant her head ;). Or perhap throw Tina in the mix as The Blonde, yeah going after Bette’s head with her Hatori sword while pregnant with little Angie….lmao. I had fun reading this. Thanks
What the fuck. The ninjas lost?? Or did they decide they didn’t have time to fuck around while making deliveries for Ninja Burger? Mmmmmmm burger…Anyway, I can just imagine the late night/early morning streets of WeHo filling up with these zombies, one of them being me. I bow to your sense of humor, though I make no promises that I am picking up a bar of soap in the process. *whistling while walking away*
I appreciate the offer, but I’ve dropped the meat with the soap.
Soapy, if I share my Ninja Burger meal with you, will you tell me who you are? :D
Dropped the meat huh. I’m sure there’s a gay joke there somewhere.
I shall not go for the cheap comment that my life is sausage-free.
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease? *puppy dog eyes*
At this point there would be a lot of Zombie walking the street of LA/ You have written on this site before. The humor comes through and also using all the funny people. thanks
Ninjas and aliens and pirates, oh my!! I really enjoyed this fic also, except of course for the very end, which caused me a great deal of pain, as I am NOT one of those LA zombies chanting for that Asian country. This was so clever and funny, and I too want to know if you are known! Do we know us? Seems as though there are several people slipping in and out under other names around here….HMMMM