Restrained Recovery
By owelpost (drakkar@rogers.com) and windrider (chelm@netwalk.com)

Part Thirteen

– x –

Lara awoke with the sun, entangled dangerously with Dana. It took her a long time to ease her way out of bed, careful to rearrange Danas limbs so that she would not wake. Naked, Lara stood at the edge of the bed, staring down at Danas form. Her lovers wrists were red and chafed where the scarves had rubbed her skin. Lara frowned. She had been sure the knots hadnt been that tight. Then again, Dana hadnt complained. This last thought brought a slight smile to Laras face. The last thing she had expected was for Dana to desire being tied up. As reserved as last nights action was, compared to some of the ***** Lara had been through at the hands of Susan, Lara was impressed that Dana had trusted her enough to go there.

Lost in thought, Lara didnt notice the ascension of Danas breathing from shallow and even to awake and nearly breathless. Lara looked down to see Dana staring intently at her, mouth open slightly.

God, you are beautiful, Dana whispered, moistening her lips, and holding out her hand. Lara knelt on the bed and took Danas hand, turning it over to get a closer look at her wrist.

Lara gently trailed her fingers over the raw flesh. Im sorry, baby, does it hurt? she asked, before lowering her mouth to kiss the wound.

Not really. I think it looks worse, Dana admitted, not that she had minded Laras concern in the least. She wondered briefly if she should have played it up a bit, just to see how Lara would react.

Dana last night was– Lara began, but Dana quickly sat up in bed, caught Laras head between both her hands and placed a searing kiss on her lips. I–uhm, uh Lara tried to continue, but Dana kissed the corner of her mouth. Then her cheek, then her earlobe and continued down the side of her neck until Lara could hardly breathe.

With Danas head resting on her shoulder, Lara twirled her fingers in her lovers hair. Danas ferocious lovemaking had pushed all thought from Laras mind, but now her problems descended once more. If she didnt explain to Dana what the ***** was going on, and allay her fears that Lara was seeking gratification elsewhere, Lara knew that she would never be able to repair the damage. Even now she feared she may be too late. Dana had mentioned Letitia again, still operating under false presumptions, and had offered herself–all of herself–last night for consideration as the better woman.

Whats the matter? Youre awfully quiet, Dana said, a delicate suspicion edging the tone of her voice.

Ive just got a lot on my mind, Lara replied.

Rather be somewhere else? Dana enquired, lifting her head up and probing Laras eyes for any sign that she was regretting being there.

Dana, Lara said, taking a sharp breath, honey, please dont ever think that. She caught Danas hands in hers and brought them to her lips. I dont want to be anywhere but here.

We need to talk, Dana said, at length, drawing her hands away. She stood from the bed and stalked across the room to the back of the door, where she found her housecoat. Slipping it on, she turned back to Lara and leveled her with a penetrating gaze.

Yeah. We are due for a very long conversation, starting with what you think you saw the other day.

Whats been going on, Lara? Dana asked, nodding as she crossed her arms across her chest. You closed yourself off from me in the locker room the other day. Last night was the closest Ive gotten to you since then.

I needed some time to think, Lara explained.

Danas lips tightened into a thin white line, and her teeth ground together, causing her cheeks to flair out. Lara knew she had said the wrong thing. Dana proved it, by snapping, Did Letitia help you think?

Lara shook her head. No, I already told you, you misunderstood what happened there. Letitias married, Dana. She has a child, for Heavens sake. I should have explained this to you much earlier, but it was never a good time. My boss, Geoff, asked her to help me get home because I was such a basket case. Do you understand, Dana?

Danas eyebrows furrowed. She gave you a ride home?

She put me in a cab.

All this time I was afraid I wasnt Dana sputtered, a look of regret splashed over her features. She had turned red from the embarrassment, yet she was relieved that her indignation had been in vain.

It was never you, Dana, Lara assured her. Lara rose from the bed and enfolded her woman in her arms, feeling Danas intense body heat through the robe. She was grateful for the warmth against her naked skin.

Im so, so sorry. When you wouldnt talk to me, I jumped to the only logical conclusion

Lara nodded, brushing a strand of Danas hair away from her forehead before planting a gentle kiss there. You did what anyone would have done, given the circumstances, Dana. Its been awkward to find the time to tell you whats been going on. She took Danas serving hand and stroked it, thinking. She stared past Dana, thoughts racing, stomach roiling. Finally, she had ordered herself enough to speak again. The truth is, I was afraid to tell you what I need to tell you, Dana.

We have all morning, Lara. If youre ready, Im listening, Dana assured.

Laras smile was sad. Thanks, babe. Maybe we can talk about it over some coffee and a couple of bagels. I think I need a little something to nibble on, my stomach is in knots.

Dana agreed. She helped Lara find a pair of sweats and a tank top after donning a similar outfit herself. Thus clothed, the two made their way down the stairs, hand in hand. Danas thumb worked back and forth over Laras as they stepped into the sitting room, which lead to the dining area before the kitchen.

Laras eyes traveled to a magazine left sprawled on the coffee table. It looked to be a copy of People magazine, almost in pristine condition. Only one corner had been dog-eared and even that looked accidental. On the cover was a picture of Harrison Ford, proclaiming him sexiest man of the year. Curious, Lara let go of Danas hand, leaned down and snatched up the copy. She heard a faintly familiar crinkling noise as she did so and almost dismissed the little packet that drifted with the breeze the movement created.

And then recognition hit her.

Lara stiffened. The magazine fell from her nerveless fingers. Oh, Lara whimpered.

What? Dana asked, having missed what Lara had said. She moved beside Lara and looked down at the magazine on the floor. Whats? Looking up at Laras face,
Dana saw that Lara wasnt concerned about the magazine. Instead, she followed her lovers gaze. Oh! I found that on the couch yesterday. I meant to throw it out, but I was in such a hurry to meet you because I was so late… Dana trailed off. Lara wasnt listening to her. In fact, Laras entire body had started to shake and sweat began to bead on her forehead. Her lips quivered and twitched. Everything about her behavior suggested to Dana that something was terribly wrong. Once again, Dana felt as though she were missing something. She narrowed her eyes, brows knitting together as her mind raced to catch up.

Where did you get that, Dana?

Get? I I told you, I found it on the couch. I think it must have fallen out of Conrads pocket, Dana said.

Lara was shaking her head, licking her lips. Her eyes were wide as saucers, the fear was palpable. Thoughts were rapid-firing in Laras mind. Seeing the white powder triggered other memories, feelings, sensations, scents. Her heartbeat quickened and she had to clench her hands to combat the intense desire that unexpectedly hammered her. ***** *****, Lara growled.

Danas hackles rose instinctively. Excuse me? Lara ignored her, and stooped to grab the packet. Something about seeing the packet in Laras hand triggered a memory in Dana from the previous evening:

Shane walking past her table with a woman the woman slipping a packet into Shanes hand

Danas control snapped. Is that what I think it is, Lara? she demanded.

Yes.

Its not Conrads is it, Lara? It fell out of your pocket, didnt it? Dana angrily began picking up the clothes they had discarded the previous night, her bowels turning to a fiery liquid as anger and fear raced, competing for equal attention. Blood rushed to Danas brain and she felt her temples pulse.

Lara stood utterly motionless. She knew Dana was absolutely right. When Joey had shown her the packet, she had easily refused him, her mind being completely occupied with other intentions at the time. But he had stuffed his hands into the pocket of her hoodie. He must have planted it there. She hadnt known.

Dana stalked past her, the collection of clothes steadily building in her arms, seeming to have forgotten that Lara was even in the room. As she did, Lara smelled a familiar fragrance mixed with the scent of Dana. A memory crashed into her mind, sending a shock through her body. She gasped involuntarily. Susan.

The mention of another womans name sent Dana over the edge. She stopped pacing, dropped her bundle, and lunged at Lara, grabbing her violently by the shoulders. What did you just say?

You smell like Susan, Lara said, shock making her voice come out evenly, even though her body screamed from inner turmoil.

Who the ***** is Susan? Dana demanded, digging her fingers painfully into the exposed flesh of Laras shoulders.

Laras words tumbled from her mouth, as though an imaginary floodgate had been opened. Shes my ex, Dana. I told you a little bit about her how she used to control me how I would get high just to please her shes come back, Dana. Shes ***** with me and try as I might, Im ***** powerless to stop her

Are you on it again, Lara?

It was as though Dana had heard nothing shed just said. Laras eyes focused on Danas face. She narrowed them in confused thought. On it?

Dana grabbed Laras hand which still held the packet in it and brought it up to hold it under her nose. This filth! Are you using it again?

No. Dana, I swear! Lara said, her voice cracking from the emotional strain. The words came out with no conviction.

I, Dana poked a finger irately at Laras chest, nail digging into Laras flesh through the thin material of her shirt, trusted, she poked again, harder, you!

Dana! Lara reached for Dana, but the tennis star deftly avoided her touch.

No. Lara had never experienced a single word that so effortlessly ripped out the core of her being. Do not ever presume to touch me again, Lara.

You dont understand! Lara cried.

I do. I ***** do! I let you do those things to me last night, Lara. Danas face scrunched into a mixture of self-loathing and despair. I gave you everything. EVERYTHING! This last was more of an anguished scream. Dana was so incredibly angry that tears hadnt even sprung to her eyes. Get out. Just OUT!

Lara wanted to fight, was too stunned. She stumbled back, tripped over her own feet, sprawled over the couch. Struggling to get up, Lara caught sight of Danas rigid form watching her like a hawk. Barefoot and clad in nothing but a pair of sweatpants and tank-top, Lara fumbled her way to the door and tumbled out.

Lara managed to catch hold of the railing in an effort to keep her legs from collapsing beneath her. Behind her, she heard the sharp crack of Danas heavy front door slamming shut. Breathing heavily and operating in a stunned haze, Lara stepped forward and down, putting one foot in front of the other until she had reached the end of the short walk that led to Danas driveway. Pebbles dug into the soles of her feet, eventually giving Lara pause. She blinked in the sunlight, realizing tears coursed her cheeks. Lara backhanded the tears away.

She heard the faint snick of the door opening again and turned, hoping against all hope that Dana had come to her senses. Instead, she saw Danas arm extend out the door. She dumped Laras clothes and shoes on the porch. Again the door slammed. This time, Lara physically jumped. Her cheeks flushed, suffused with heat from frustration, confusion and anger.

With no recollection of moving, Lara ended up once again on Danas doorstep. She stood for an immense stretch of time, fingers brushing the handle of the door, trembling ever so slightly. Sightless, Lara stared at the grainy wood of the door, her mind whirling. Chunks of her life crumbled and slid noisily to their doom, leaving gaping holes through which Lara bled self-worth.

Drained and broken, Lara stooped, gathered up her things and once again started away from Danas house. She walked for ages, feeling nothing but the burning heat of the sun on the top of her head, cascading down her shoulders and over her back. Her legs were rigid, knees barely bending in an awkward amble through the streets of Los Angeles.

Lara had no real idea what had just transpired. She had been present, even participated minimally in the conversation, but realistically, she was still standing over the coffee table, staring at the white powder packet. She was furious with Joey for planting it on her, but more so at Dana for not even allowing her a moments benefit of doubt. Lara balled her fists while grinding her teeth together and tried to come to terms with Danas reaction. She tried to accept Danas fear, internalize it and make it her own. But the futility of it crashed over her and she realized that no matter how badly she wanted to forgive Dana–to take away her pain–it wasnt up to her.

It must have been a couple of hours of aimless wandering before Lara began to pay attention to her location. She had paused long enough to put on her shoes only when she realized that her feet were cut and bleeding from the sharpness of rocks and glass strewn in her path. She barely registered her extremely disheveled appearance from her reflection in the glass of the shops she passed. Now she found herself yanking open the door to The Planet, sliding in between people and disappearing like a ghost to sit at a far table, tucked secretly in the back of the caf. Settling her bundle of clothes on a vacant chair, she found herself a seat, folded her arms and rested her reeling head on them.

– x –

Alice had skipped Radar the night before. She had needed time to think. As much as she hated to admit it, she was thankful that Shane had tried to protect her from the reality of Laras situation. Being as stubborn as she was, Alice had assumed she could handle just about anything, but she had not been prepared for the brutal cruelty she had witnessed at the cyber-caf. The fact that she had witnessed it at the caf also freaked Alice out. Despite the fact that Lee and Rachel had assumed they were alone, Alice was a little startled that they wouldnt reserve their behavior for ultimate privacy or for a setting where it was more acceptable. She realized, however, that her experience with the circumstances was limited and that she truly hadnt thought about people who got off on pain in any more than a cursory fashion. Perhaps because of Laras current trouble, Alice was more hyper-aware of the situation.

Alice had slept fitfully and awoken in the morning with a massive headache, not understanding anything more than she had the night before. She had immediately lit a joint and called Shane.

At the knock on her door, Alice jumped slightly, and then giggled at her nerves. She wandered down the hall and checked the spy hole before yanking open the door. Shane leaned against the jamb, hands stuffed in her pockets. Her eyelids drooped and her clothes and hair were askew. Alice would have laughed, if concern hadnt settled in first.

What the ***** happened to you? Alice asked, ushering Shane into her apartment. As Shane ambled past her, Alice caught her unwashed reek. You ***** stink!

Thanks, Al, Shane muttered.

Seriously, what is wrong with you?

Shane plunked herself on Alices couch and threw her feet up over the arm. She sighed deeply before offering, I didnt sleep at home. When you called me, I was in my truck.

Well *****, get off my couch, Shane. Alice shoved Shanes feet and held out her hand, which Shane grudgingly accepted. Have you eaten? Alice asked as she pulled Shane to her feet.

Didnt need to, Shane admitted.

Alice frowned. She didnt like what she suspected Shane wasnt saying. All right, here is the deal. You are going to take a shower. Ill lend you a change of clothes. We have to talk, but not until Ive cooked us some breakfast.

I look that bad, eh? Shane asked.

Worse, Alice replied. Go! She watched Shane wend through the apartment to the bedroom, which connected the master bath. Alice listened until she heard the shower turn on, then she shook her head and made for the kitchen.

Alice had managed to make four eggs, a few slices of bacon and some toast by the time Shane reemerged from the shower, wearing a pair of Alices jeans and one of her t-shirts. The clothes were large on Shane and Alice almost laughed at how comical she looked. She stifled the snicker behind her hand and moved to the kettle.

Ive only got instant coffee, Alice said.

Aw, *****, Al.

This aint The Planet, Shane.

Whatever. Shane pulled out a chair from the small table and folded her lanky form into it, settled her elbows on the table and proceeded to rub her temples. Alice put the food down in front of Shane, took one of her hands and folded it around the warm cup of coffee.

Drink that, she commanded, bringing her own food to the table and tucking hungrily into it.

Shane sipped wearily, feeling the warmth of the brew sliding into her stomach and reminding her that eating probably wouldnt be a bad idea. Setting the coffee down, Shane took care to break the yolk of her egg and dip a piece of toast into it. She grinned as the first bite passed her lips. This is fantastic.

Thanks. Glad you approve, Alice muttered around her own toast. I think I met your friend Rachel.

Shane stopped chewing, put down her toast and settled her hands on the table. She regarded Alice for a moment, eyes searching for any hint of a joke in Alices demeanor. She finished chewing, swallowed and took a deep breath. Where?

I decided I was gonna check out the cyber-caf where my site was supposedly hacked from, Alice said. I had just about given up on discovering anything, when I decided to hit the bathroom Your breakfast is getting cold, Shane, Alice pointed her fork at Shanes meal. Eat. I swear Ive seen you eat and listen at the same time.

Shanes look was one short on amusement, but she picked up her fork and cut a piece off her egg, popping into her mouth and animatedly chewing it. What makes you think this person was Rae, Al?

Alice nodded, grateful that Shane saw the wisdom in nourishment. They must not have heard me come in, because I swear that no one in their right mind would do what they did if they had been aware of witnesses, Alice said and continued to outline to Shane what she had seen, watching Shanes reaction carefully. If Shane had a reaction, she schooled it behind a pristine mask.

As Alice shored up her story, Shanes eyes narrowed and she nibbled on a piece of toast. You say this Lee burned her?

Thats putting it mildly, Shane. She ***** ground out her cigarette into the womans flesh.

Shane thought about it, and then shrugged. Some people dig that *****, Alice.

But its sick!

Look, Al, are you sick for being into chicks?

Alice breathed out loudly and rolled her eyes. Point taken. I just it made me uncomfortable. Besides, I was under the impression that she wasnt enjoying it.

Shanes face and eyes hardened. What made you think that?

Because she Alice stopped, scrunched up her face in concentration. Well, I dont I cant explain it. It was the atmosphere. Lee kept saying really degrading things about Rachel being her gift. I could have been imagining it, but I think I saw anger flashing in Rachels eyes, Shane. Am I making sense?

Perfect sense, Shane said. Alice was waiting for her to say more, but she merely finished eating her breakfast in silence. After what seemed an eternity, with Alice watching her, Shane finally decided shed had enough to eat. She pushed her plate away and folded her hands in front of her, while leaning back in the chair. She took a deep breath and said, Rachel was at Radar last night, Al.

Alices eyes widened. The way you say that its a bad thing?

Im starting to get the feeling that I was being distracted last night, Shane muttered. Alice knew that Shane hadnt been speaking to her as she said it. I think I need to see if I can find Rae again. There is something seriously messed up going on, and we need to get to the bottom of it.

Maybe we should step away from this, Shane. Im not comfortable any more. This is so far beyond anything Ive ever experienced before.

I tried to tell you, Al, but you just dont listen. I understand that what you saw scared you, but let me assure you that as disturbing as it was, that is merely scraping the tip of the iceberg. Ill understand if you dont wanna go any further, but I cant stop here. This isnt just about Lara and Dana anymore.

You really feel for this Rachel, dont you?

I took her under my wing long ago to prevent her from getting hurt, Shane growled, angry that she apparently hadnt succeeded in teaching Rachel how to protect herself.

You said that some people dig it, Shane. You couldnt protect her from that.

No.

Why do you think you were being distracted?

Shane looked up. She shook her head. Im not sure.

You think talking to Rachel might help?

Shane shrugged. I have to try, she said, her voice low and grating.

I think you should do what you have to do, then. Alice contemplated for a moment. As frightened as she was by the prospect of witnessing any more disturbing scenes like the one at the caf, she realized that her discomfort was really secondary to protecting her friends. If whatever Lara was into touched Dana, Alice wasnt sure shed be able to forgive herself. Ill be there.

– x –

End Part Thirteen