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The Ant Farm – L Word Bette Porter
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“Oh, God.” I groan and put the lid back on.
“That’s extreme!” Bette interrupts that idea. “What about bug spray instead?” She fishes around under the sink for Raid ant killer.
“Look, it was just a thought, something I threw out there.” Shane swigs her beer. “I liked it better than spraying poison her. You know?”
“I want some of Dana out by the pool over by the Buddha statue, don’t you think, Tina?” Bette takes down a small jade colored bowl, and places it near the very unceremonial Starbuck’s cup.
“I know what to do. It’ll be sticky but I bet it’ll solve the ant problem.” I offer.
“Can sticky be done outside?” Bette urges.
“No, you’ll like this.” I take down a small saucer and squirt into it a half dollar shape of honey. Next, I leave an amber honey trail from the saucer across a few inches of counter space and up into the cup.
“Wow. Now that’s smart.” Bette says as she watches me finish. “I’ll take the whole saucer that will fill with ants and ashes out to the garden with a nice offering of honey to accompany her.”
“Wait, I’m the Earth Mother. What Ant God are we praying to?”
Bette laughs as she motions to Shane to help get the salads out to the deck for dinner. “There is no ant god, Alice. The ants are the result of the Law of Unintended Consequences.”
“Look.” Shane leans forward. “It’s started already.”
The four of us peer mesmerized as the ant colony marches alongside the amber line right out of Dana’s cup and into Tina’s honey trap.
Alice breaks the silence. “You could look at this as a final cleansing of sorts, I guess.”
Two weeks later – Bette
As I open my eyes I feel my head hurt slightly from drinking too much wine again at night, and how very quiet my house is. It’s after eight and I’m finally getting accustomed to waking up with no one here. I’m a very slow learner; Tina moved out months ago.
The king size bed today feels as immense as a doomed freighter. It was once a place where Angelica could roll around and finally learn to crawl. Right here! As I read a magazine and Tina did a crossword puzzle, the baby rolled herself over and took off for the edge.
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“Now, I am going to hit you.” I raise my arm back but Tina calls out.
“Wait! Let me!” as she slaps Henry a good stinging smack across his face.
God help me, you cracked me up!! LMAO.
I loved this, I love how you describe Bette’s anger and turmoil, it’s so real!
The scene at Bette’s was beautiful. Funny and deep. It was good to see the gang together in a moment like that, and our couple forgetting about their own issues, just to focus on their friend Alice (and Dana). Wonderfully written, as always.
I love these stories. Thanks for posting so frequently.
Well done Bette !!! Again-I love your writing and I`m glad you came to this site.
oh WOW! it is more than pleased!
I think you’re outdone, my cheeky request ;)
I realized it was not the best idea to drink coffee while reading the scene :)
I’m looking forward to the sequel!
Hey Blackbird – Wonderful writing! I really like these snippets of TiBette. Keep us grateful for your gift. Thank you!
hey blackbird… love the humor in this story.. love the word “hasbian” and Bette bitter feelings to Henry. LOl. especially the slapping paragraph story. i was deeply touch about dana’s ashes as what the girls has to do with it. i hate when bette feels so bitter to tina , who was/is the love of her life. Bette is hurt with so much emotional- pain in her heart to see Tina being with Henry. i dont like Henry. wonderfully written!!!! thank you for sharing.. keep up the good work … always!!!
BB..thx 4 the post, a real page turner actually. I really liked “memories are rarely inescapable, their knowing impossible to doubt for long, and they are so many here in this kitchen, every where in this house, and all over my skin.”…… You have a way of capturing the gals emotions! Their emotions have been duly noted! They really socked it 2 Henry…yay…keep writing your posts BB…..oh and yes the pics accompanying the posts are great, an extra treat……..Anticipation….
This is pure comedy gold! You had me laughing at Bette whistling to the ants crawling out of Dana’s ashes, to Bette and Tina slapping Henry. I am surprised the other girls didn’t form a conga line to slap Henry too since they hate him as much. Can’t wait to read your next chapter.
You’ve got Bette’s seething towards Tina and Henry going on. Just another great chapter from Ms. BB.
This is should had been in the show!…Oh my god…the lines are perfect!…
So sad that it came to this…but Fucking Classic
Thinking about new story for Touch Tones, Season 7 inspired story line I read this great story, and did a polish. I was pleased with the way I took the story from one setting to end up a thousand miles away in another country, Canada, where I wrote a hilarious scene for Bette and Peggy Peabody after Shane’s botched wedding. I won’t spoil the great fun awaiting you as they double team Tina and Henry, but of all the things I’ve dreamed up for those two – Tina and Bette – I wish the Henry takedown I could’ve seen on screen because the show writer’s had thought of it.
After you get your bearings again the story following, “The Ant Farm” is “Sleeping Rough”, and in its opening is a wonderful scene of Bette in WalMart on the hunt for baby supplies for their getaway.
“Sleeping Rough” is here on LesFan: http://bit.ly/BetteHatesHenry
Blackbird