Chapter 7:

The morning after the party, Bettes POV

I woke up shivering… feeling more tired than when I got to bed… Knowing that I couldn’t sleep any longer I looked over at the alarmclock next to my bed… Half past eight… that wasn’t too bad… about 4 hours of sleep… Getting up I felt the dried tears on my face and felt a little bit ashamed when I recalled what happened after coming home…

*geezzz Porter… How pathetic, wanting something you can’t have… STRAIGHT and TAKEN remember???*

Yet closing my eyes I couldn’t help picturing that perfect face, the glinstering in her eyes matching theglinstering of her adornments… My eyes shot open… Her earring! I had that earring! Walking (ok, to be honest… running) through my apartment in search of the clothes I had wore the night before. And putting the pockets of  every garment under serious investigation…

*Owww where did I put it??? Wherewherewhere…*

I felt panick wash over me untill my fingers embraced a hard, cold very small object… That immediatly  wasn’t cold any more… Even before pulling the object out of the pocket that had been closest to my heart the night before, the earring was burning in my hand, causing my whole body to be in state of a warmth… a delight… I had never felt before…

*Really! Porter, what the hell is wrong with you!*

Well… I had asked myself that question for numberous reasons… I asked myself when my mother left us, when my sister didn’t turn up for several birthdays, being to drunk to remember even if it was day or night… I asked myself the first time I ever felt attracted to a girl, and I had asked myself and several counselars the same question when I found out I wasn’t made off “relationshipmaterial”

I harshly started talking to myself…

“You can’t do this Porter… not to yourself (since she is STRAIGHT AND TAKEN!!!!) and definitly not to her… What if you succeed in seducing this… great… wonderfull woman to be with you, you’d be bored in no time… And, more importantly… You’d be afraid of feeling anything this intense won’t you!”

One of the therapists I had been talking to a couple of years ago once told me that I would always have a hard time being in a relationship, especialy with a woman, because my mother left our family when I was 8. That explanation had always seemed a little too simple for me… but now… being 35 and not being able to have a relationship for longer that 3 weeks (one time, with Alice to be exact…) and numberous times not longer than one night… I couldn’t go and see Tina… my T… because with one look… She’d made me love her (I was smiling sadly, finally admitting that to myself) and with all the feeling there wass inside me, one was the strongest… I did not want to hurt her…

With that thought in mind I took an envelope, wrote her name on it and put the earring in… Feeling the instant cold in my heart when  I parted with that little object. And again feeling a tear on my cheek when I put the envelope on the table…

Walking away….

TBC (?)