Vignettes of the Heart – 8

Bette lay in her too-big bed staring at the ceiling. The temporary reprieve had ended and all the reality and related emotions of earlier came crashing down on her, pinning her in place, crushing her with their weight. She replayed Jodi’s final goodbye in her mind, trying to take it in.

"I’m sorry, Bette, but I need to go. I want to go." Jodi signed as she spoke, emphasizing her words with hands and facial expressions. "I love you, Bette. I really do. I will miss you more than you know. But I can’t stay."

Bette allowed tears to stream down her cheeks unchecked. What could she say to convince Jodi to stay? She groped for the words, "Jodi, I thought you were happy with me."

"I was Bette. But you weren’t. I want somebody who loves me more than life itself, who will give up anything to be with me. Who seizes life and lives it with abandon. You can’t do that, Bette."

"Of course I can’t do that, Jodi! I have a life here, my home, my friends. I have a child, Jodi!" Bette’s tears turned to those of frustration as she realized that she really could not give what Jodi wanted.

Jodi cradled Bette’s cheek in her hand and spoke tenderly, "I know, Bette." She took a step back and signed, "I love you, Bette." Then she left.

Bette found herself reaching into the air just as she had reached for the door Jodi had shut behind her.

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Tina lay on the couch in the living room, lost in her thoughts. She had put Bette to bed and told her she would stay the night to take care of Angelica. Bette protested, but Tina insisted she wanted to do it. What she left unsaid was that she did not want to leave Bette alone to wallow in her sorrow. So she camped out in the living room, half an ear listening for Angelica and another listening for Bette. The rest of her attention was squarely focused on her own heart.

For one blissful hour, she had been transported simultaneously back in time and forward into her dreams. She felt as close to and comfortable with Bette as she ever had when they were together, and taking care of Angelica together was the stuff of her dreams for years now. It was just as she had envisioned when she had first decided to get pregnant: she and Bette and the child of their love sharing the most mundane, most wonderful, moments of the day as a family.

She wondered at the surreality of life that allowed her to live out her dream even as it was not quite reality. She and Bette were not really together, as much as she might wish it. But maybe this was her chance. Maybe… The real question was whether or not they were ready to be back together. Had they each learned what they needed to?

Tina reflected on all that she had learned in the past few years. She had grown in self-confidence, she knew that. Never meek, she was even more focused on protecting herself emotionally and mentally. The Tina of today would never have allowed Bette to marginalize her as she had done in those months leading up to the Provocations show. With the stronger self-confidence came a new generosity of spirit that Tina was grateful for. She was not as quick to judge as she had been before, and consciously tried to judge others by their intentions as well as their actions. Had she been less self-absorbed back then, she would have realized what was going on with Bette and tried to help her, not hurt her. At least, she hoped that is what she would have done.

It was doubt that held Tina back now. Doubt that Bette had healed enough to accept Tina’s love. Doubt that Bette could believe herself worthy of having her family back. And doubt that Tina, herself, could fully commit to staying. She had run before–twice–and failed herself by doing so. Even if Bette forgave her for leaving, could Tina forgive herself? She was trying, and usually thought she had succeeded, but in moments like this, with emotion overwhelming reason, her fears returned. It was then that Tina’s own tears flowed.