TINA

2:25AM


“NO! Why Bette?! NO!” Tina bolted straight up in bed, her body covered in sweat. She glanced around the room trying to remember where she was, then realized that she was in her little apartment in Vancouver. She brought her knees up to her chest, lowered her forehead onto them, and started to quietly sob. ‘Why do I keep having that damn nightmare?’ The dream that had been a beautiful, clear vision of their future for Bette, had for Tina, turned into a nightmare that reminded her of their past and clouded any vision of the future she’d hoped they might have.

This was the third time Tina had this dream in the week since she left LA. And even though she and Bette had been sending each other e-mails regularly, they had for the most part not tackled any heavy subjects yet. For instance, she had not told Bette yet that she was spending so many nights pacing her apartment trying to rid her mind of the dream in order to allow her to go back to sleep.

After a couple of minutes, Tina slowly raised her head, feeling a little more calm after the release of so much emotion. She ran her fingers through her hair, hating being alone at a time like this. She wanted to be able to lay back down and have Bette beside her, holding her, telling her everything would be Ok, yet at the same time, she was feeling angry with Bette, for putting them in this position in the first place. Not one to normally have nightmares, Tina wondered what people who lived alone did when this happened. She knew she wouldn’t be able to go right back to sleep, and was afraid to try. The nightmare still felt so real to her, she was afraid that if she fell back to sleep now she would go right back into the nightmare. She wished she could pick up the phone and call someone. She needed to talk about what she was feeling, but as always, her first choice was Bette. Still, after all this time, Bette was the one Tina wanted to turn to. ‘Well, that just sucks, doesn’t it,’ she thought.

Well…maybe not. Bette is after all the only one who is going to be able to help her get through all this fear. ‘I’m not sure what exactly I need to hear from Bette that would help me to get some closure, but I know I need to hear something from her.’

Wanting to just unload her mind, Tina went into the kitchen for something to drink. After going through the comforting ritual of making a pot of tea, she sat down at her computer.


Good morning Bette,

I know that the following is a heavy e-mail to lay on you so early in the morning, but right now I am feeling really cranky and have decided to blame it all on you. (See, aren’t you glad we are doing this in writing, rather than me waking you up at this hour and yelling at you?) I know that we are working on getting to know each other all over again, but there is a big elephant in the room that needs to disappear before we can move forward in the direction I think we both want. Ok, now that’s been said, I am sure that you are just dying to read the rest of the e-mail…

It’s 2:45am, and I just had that horrible nightmare again. The one where we are in the backyard with Mary, and you and Candace are in each other’s arms, laughing at me. I want to go back to sleep, but I am afraid. I wish you were here to hold me, but at the same time, I’m thinking if you were, I might just punch you instead.

Baby, I need your help. There are so many things we need to work on, but I can’t even get to a place where I can think about them, because I am paralyzed with this fear. I am terrified that my dream will come true. I can’t seem to move forward because I keep thinking that you still love Candace, and that you will change your mind down the road, and end up leaving me again for her. I know you have said that you want to be with me, but I just don’t know how to trust it, and it’s tearing me apart. Please help me to know what to do Bette. Help me to figure out a way to work through this fear.

I know that this is not just about my fear of you going back to her. This is about me letting go of six months worth of nights spent agonizing over what the two of you were doing with each other, while I was lying alone in an unfamiliar bed, in an apartment that has nothing of me in it, except my clothes. This is about me letting go of six months worth of days, trying to shake off the agony felt during each one of those nights. Please Bette, my feet are stuck in this thick mud of fear, and I need you to help me get out.

That is why, for as hard as it will be for me to hear, I need you to tell me about your relationship with Candace. I need you to tell me why you chose her rather than staying with me. Then I need you to tell me why you think that I can make you happier than she could. I need you to tell me why you think you won’t go back to her.

Bette, I need you to tell me why you are in love with me.

Please Baby, take your laptop, find someplace quiet and answer these questions for me. Don’t freak out. Know that you can open up your heart and it will be safe. No one is going to be looking over your shoulder, no one is going to be staring at you, judging you. Maybe you can feel what I do and find comfort in the keyboard. Maybe your answers will help me get rid of these nightmares…maybe they won’t. But now is the time Bette. Now is the time for you to answer these questions, like you told me you would that day in the park.

I’m going to try to go back to sleep now. I hope to hear from you soon.

Love,

Tina


~ ~ ~


BETTE

9:00AM


Bette sat staring at her computer not knowing whether to cry, or to be relieved. She hated that Tina was in so much pain. She couldn’t stand it that she wasn’t able to be there for her and hold her when she had the stupid nightmare. ‘God, if I hadn’t made such a big deal out of my dream, maybe she wouldn’t be going through this.’ Bette knew that wasn’t really true. If Tina was feeling so much fear, even if it wasn’t showing up in a dream, it would manifest it’s self in some other way, but she still felt the heavy guilt that comes from causing all that pain. But Tina was right, it was time for Bette to answer any questions she might have where Candace is concerned. She felt relieved to be getting the chance to finally tell Tina about it. She only hoped that what she had to say would alleviate some of Tina’s pain.

Bette pressed the intercom button on her phone. “James?”

“Yea Bette?”

“Something has come up and I’m going to be unavailable until this afternoon. My cell will be turned off, so leave a message, or just wait for me to come back in later. Ok?”

“No problem Bette.”

With that, Bette followed Tina’s advice, grabbed her laptop, knowing exactly where to go to find the peace and quiet she would need to gather her thoughts.