Why does everything seem so far away from me? I can see what I want, I can hear it and smell it and right when I’m about to grab it for myself, I fall back and am suddenly miles from ordinary. I feel paralyzed from my own fears and numb from my disbelief. Its like the story about the man who dreamed he was a butterfly. He dreamed his life, flying from flower to flower. The colors, the smells, the breeze caressing his wings. And when he awoke he had a realization. He did not know if he was a man who had been dreaming he was a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming he was a man.

My hand reached for a cigarette, my own savior at the moment. I reached for my lighter… I felt around the bed, I looked under the pillows and searched my pockets. Nothing. Why do I always have one thing but not the other to complete the puzzle? I took the cigarette and threw it across the room. Then the tears came.

I awoke with my pillow soaked from tears. Where those mine? I rolled over and stared at my clock, never actually reading the time. I felt a cold metal being pushed against my toes. I looked up but it wasn’t metal and instead it was an empty vodka bottle. I kicked it on the floor. *CRASH!* and now the bottle was broke.

*Television channels flickering* Every show on TV is the same, now a days. Baby mama drama, love stories that end in an unrealistic setting where the characters are better changed from the person they hold. Love is supposed to set you free but everybody’s been a prisoner of their love for a very long time now. I know I have. Her name makes no difference but her smile does. After all the work and sweat, you’d think that my heart would have known better then to tempt me. And if it didn’t then you’d have to believe that my mind would know better then to let my body take control. I touched my arm. It was cold. Then I pinched my arm. How cruel, I’m not dead.

Morning came, I could tell by the noise going on around my ears. The clock I had has been changed to 3 AM forever. The time of the devil, of the dark world we live in. The TV was buzzing all night and if I knew where I put the remote, I would have turned it off. But much like my mind, I couldn’t turn it off and instead I tuned it out to her voice…her sweet, loving, passionate voice. All I heard was a mumble and a quiet fade laugh. And I felt her breathe on my neck. And her arm around my waist and I turned over to tell her I was wrong and I was so sorry for hurting her. I was going to tell her that it was going to be okay and that I loved her and I wouldn’t ever make a mistake that big again. And as I turned around to see her angelic face…I awoke to the rain falling on the windowsill.