I emptied my cigarette pack onto the floor. I had found cheap motel matches and were using them now. I reached for a cigarette that looked so extravagant laying on the floor. I lit it and then placed it back onto the floor. The smoke, blue with chemicals, filled the tiny corner and I could see the carpet begin to set on fire. But I did not move. My mouth was filled with cotton-balls and my arms no longer obeyed my demands. The fire raced to the curtains and changed their soft off white color to a bad, smokey black. The place on the carpet was too black and I could see the hardwood floors that they had buried in order to ‘clean’ up this room. I momentarily regained control of my arms and threw a bucket of ice at the fire. Then I popped my head onto the pillow and prayed for daylight.

I yawned. I picked up a TV guide and flipped through the colored photos on the first 80 pages. And in the far right hand side, the tiniest picture they had ever used in a magazine before, I saw her. I stared at the picture, brought it little then a paper slide from my face. I forced my eyes and saw the look in her eyes. They said ‘how can I forgive you?’. I felt the tears form in my eyes. ‘I didn’t understand…’ I told the picture. ‘You always say this!’ she yelled back. ‘But…I LOVE YOU!’ I begged. ‘Then why did you leave me?’. And I was about to tell her why. I was going to spill ALL the beans, and show her the way to my mind and she was going to understand and things were going to be so much better now. I just knew it. But before I could the TV guide disappeared right out of my hands and it turned so dark in my room. I tried to call for help but my mouth did not have an opening and I just sat there crying. I was too numb to fight away my mind. It won. And I just continued to cry.

It was the sun that woke me up this time. It was quiet, the birds were awake and making noises. I whipped my eyes and looked around the room. My lighter laid on the floor next to my empty cigarette pack. The curtains were black but there was no spot on the carpet. I jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom to find my eyes red with tears and black with sorrow. But I still sighed from relief. I slowly touched the back of my neck, still cold. It was a little damped too, my guess was from sweat. I grabbed a cigarette and lit it but this time it never left my mouth. My bed, I noticed, was soaked with a mixture of sweat and tears. I sat at the table instead. I looked out the window, a few cars passed by. I thought about the people in those cars, they all had a family and their own problems. Each had a story to tell and for some reason they had a reason to pass by my room this morning. I wondered if they looked through the window, to the little lost girl inside and wondered about her story. I wondered this they made up a story about her, something amazing and extraordinary to explain the lost expression she carried with her. I knew her story, for I had written it and sealed with it my own blood. I had carefully choose the path that she would walk down and I had imagined every possible scenario except the one I had played. It was so magically crafted that I had not known of the dangers that leaked inside my masterpiece. It was so beautiful that I never thought possible that a mistake this big would ruin my entire life. I put on my cigarette.

"Two weeks, at $58 a night and your total comes out to…$834." I pulled out $900 and told him to keep the rest. I figured once he saw the room he’d be calling looking for the rest. I walked out of the office into the fresh air that surrounded the motel. Two weeks locked up in a motel, staring into the abyss and falling slowly into madness didn’t give me a new look on life but it did make me broke for the next two months. I hadn’t learned any lessons except that fire and curtains makes for an interesting evening. I walked to my truck and unlocked my doors. Reality awaits me at the next stop light. I pulled on my sunglasses. Two weeks was a long time to go missing for. I was sure I was going to have a few questions to answer.