If You Never Say Anything to Me

Chapter 6

Going out with Alice the other night to The Planet was the kick in the ass I needed to stop my pity party and start living again. It felt great being out. Kit took time to sit with us as we ate and was thrilled that I was there. Her face when we walked in was one of utter shock. Up until the shooting, I had been in there multiple times a day but since the shooting, I had not stepped foot in there once. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t continue living…enjoying the simple things in life when a comrade had died trying to save my sorry ass. I finally realized as I sat in The Planet struggling to keep my emotions under control that whether I was there or sequestered in my home, he would still be dead. My stopping my life was not going to bring his back. I probably knew that all along but needed that moment of connection to really embrace it.

I had ignored Alice as she pointed out every attractive or semi attractive female. She finally was just pointing out all of them to me. There was no discrimination on her part. The only prerequisite that they needed was to be breathing. I wasn’t interested though. I had Tina Kennard so embedded in my mind that I couldn’t look at another woman even just to take them home for sex. Lying in that hospital bed had been a painful reminder to me how alone in the world I really was. I didn’t like that knowledge and thought it time that I change my ways. I only received physical satisfaction from the women I took to bed. There was never any kind of emotional connection. I wanted more. I deserved more. Tina Kennard may not be the one but she sure as hell was the first to ever make me think of settling down.

I made it through the next couple days actually venturing out during the day. I went to the squad room one day and surprised everyone. They were happy to see me, asked about my health and stated that they hoped I would be returning soon. I stayed pretty neutral. I wouldn’t be returning anywhere until I let them shrink my head but I let them think that I was doing well. We made those obligatory plans to get together knowing that we wouldn’t. They were all out in full force immediately after the incident but then they disappeared. Probably didn’t help that I encouraged them to disappear.