Everything I touch, I ruin.

When I reach for something, it shatters, breaks, in my hands.

Nothing’s a ‘sure thing.’

I’ve ran out of options.

Maybe that’s the excuse for my behavior….maybe that’s a few of them. Maybe I’m ‘deflecting’. Maybe I’m running away. Maybe I’m sick and fucking tired of every goddamned therapist in LA telling me the same thing.

Pills, medications, sessions, classes. Its not going to fix anything.

Words that all mean the same thing.

Therapy, counseling, doctors appointments, classes, office visits.

I’m fucking sick to death.

I can’t just sleep this off.

Just because we don’t talk.

Whatever.

It’s not like you spent the last 17 years of my life attempting to talk…build a relationship…I dunno, raise me…mom.

What am I to you anyway?

Maybe it’s why I prefer to stay drunk when I don’t have to be sober. Maybe it’s why I do whatever drugs I can get my hands on….

Maybe it’s why I sleep with people…..

People I don’t care about, I don’t know….

It started out with just guys….and that was okay. I never really…liked it….I never really felt like I was going anywhere….

Then it became girls…I felt wanted, needed, powerful. I could feel lust and it was amazing. I knew what I wanted and how I was going to get it and it was so hot.

When I wanted something, I took it.

Maybe I did learn something from my mom….

And then there’s school. When I’m not living the rock star life without the music career to back it up…

Maybe that’s what I learned from dad…..

But school. That’s when I avoided conscious thoughts and sobriety to most….

Why would I want to deal with it? Seeing my ex-boyfriend/ father of my unborn child….seeing everyone who had a serious issue with me…because I’m rich, gay, better looking….whatever….

Its brutal.

Take a few pain killers, maybe smoke pot….just forget about the day and go through school….wishing it was over just as it started.

Just last week I was called in to see the school guidance counselor….they had my therapist recommend that I see him every other week, so they can make sure I’m not out trying to kill myself…or other people…