This is where mine and Ashley’s incredibly fucked up, confusing, messy relationship has its benefits. I hate relationships. Don’t get me wrong. I love relationships. They are amazing. Someone to hold at night, someone to make love to, and someone to call your own is an amazing concept. But when that concept becomes a reality, you notice that you require more sleep to repair from the extreme highs and lows. Some people say that relationships are worth that. But I don’t agree with them. What is the point in dealing with the shit when you have an Ashley Davies to fill that spot – minus all the stress?

So you plan to go through your entire life without a relationship?

No, I’m still going to try a few. They are still fun sometimes. You sure do feel a hell of a lot more normal. If I planned on never having another relationship I wouldn’t be communicating with Jason so frequently.

Are you aware how fucked up you sound right now?

How is that fucked up?

You are upset about the fact that it is time to let go – so much, in fact, that you can’t even think straight. You’re delusional and you can’t even admit it.

That’s not true.

Who are you trying to convince? You’re so fucking empty inside that you can hardly pay note to your own emotions. You are a wreck, Spencer! When will you realize that without Ashley, you have nothing?

That’s not true either, I have Jason!

Jason is a fucking back up plan, Spencer! You don’t even like guys and you’re thinking about dating one? I’ve sat back quietly while you were hanging out with Ashley as to not ruin your fun. But I am speaking up now before you really fuck yourself over.

What am I supposed to do?! Should I just walk up to her and be like, ‘Hey, I’m madly in love with you and even though you don’t want a relationship with me, we should try.’

I cannot fucking do that, Voice! I would lose what little connection we do have now. I would rather have minimal connection opposed to none at all.

Then you are screwed, then. You don’t realize that although that would damage you, this does too. You don’t realize that this hot and cold game you’ve been going through for four fucking years is screwing you up in your head and in your heart.

I…I just can’t…I can’t do it, Voice.

Then that is your choice. But you can’t expect to be any happier by not doing it than you would be if you did it. You’ll be just as miserable.

Then that is my fate no matter what, isn’t it? I know what it is to love, and I know what it is to lose. I don’t know what I’m doing, but at least I’m never doing it alone.

TBC