SPENCER:

Her apartment looked like something out of a nightmare, and though she tried to explain it away—the tall, idiotic one with the penis had just moved out—I knew it was because her life was in chaos.

That’s not exactly a judgment, people. But don’t you find that ingrates who allow their living space to become cluttered and untidy have minds and lives that are also cluttered and untidy? It’s just a scientific fact. And why do I call them ingrates? Well because God gave us this remarkable gift of organizational skills. It was God’s plan all along for the world to be alphabetized and color-coded. I think it might even be written in the Bible. Not that I would know these days.

But despite her chaotic habitat, she was nice enough to offer me a beer—never drinking again, thanks—and a seat on the surprisingly posh couch.

“So, wife, to what do I owe the pleasure of your sweet presence?” she asked as she fell into the recliner across from me, a fake smile plastered on her face.

How could I have ever masturbated to pictures of this girl in high school?

“I have a friend who’s a lawyer…”

“That sounds about right.”

I glared at her before continuing, “I have a friend who’s a lawyer and she says this shit isn’t as easy or cheap as one would think. And it’s not as easy as I had hoped it would be to get your annulment approved by a judge.”

“Why?”

“Well under our circumstances, we have to prove that we were intoxicated beyond reason.”

“We’re fucking married! I would say we were intoxicated beyond reason!” she screamed.

She talked with her hands a lot when she was frustrated. It showed me she was probably harboring some buried insanity. Perhaps she was even capable of serial murder.

“I understand that, Ver-Ashley, but we have to prove it. Do you remember the details of that night?”

“Here and there.”

“Then that doesn’t help us.”

“Do you remember them?”

“It’s fuzzy, but it’s there.”

“Who cares? It’s not like we have to tell the truth about it. We both just say we were buzzed out of our fucking heads, man. Let the all-knowing legal guy behind the podium sort out the pieces and go have ourselves a nice lunch…separately of course.”