Chapter 27

Previously.

Tina : Come on, we are here. Lets eat, enjoy, oh Bette, the view is breathe taking, and I promise you we will talk about whatever you want. And yes, Bette, I have things to talk to you about.
Bette : “That’s good because I’d like to talk to about staying here for awhile”.

I am standing with my back to Tina looking out over the cliffs into the vibrant blue ocean. I can see the waves crashing. I used to come here not so long ago, before Tina came and sit under that tree for hours. I would be lying if I said I hadnt thought about jumping. Its at least 150m. Once I even walked up to the edge. But Id also be lying if I said I really ever contemplated doing it. I dont know why, the only thing I had was our baby and even then I wasnt sure what my role in his or her life would be. The thought of not seeing them grow up is just too much. Tina is sitting on the rug looking up at Bette in total astonishment.

Tina : Bette are you saying you do not want to come home, to LA ?
Bette : I turn around and face Tina. Tina I am not saying that. I want to be wherever you two are, (I look at her tummy) but I would like to stay here another week or two, with you here.
Tina : Bette, why is that ?
Bette : I just think Tee we have a lot to work through and LA is so busy with our careers and the baby on the way and our friends. You know Id like this to be sorted. I know we cant put it behind us and just forget but Id like to spend some really solid time working through what we need to and reconnecting. Tee, what do you think ?
Tina : Bette, I think it is really peaceful here and private. You seem to love it here and I understand why. I think it is perfect. If it is two weeks you want Bette, then two weeks it is. I love you Bette and I want to work this out.
There is total silence as I realize what Tina just said and as she realizes what she just said. Of course I knew we had to love each other or we wouldnt be here trying to salvage what is left of our marriage but I hadnt expected her to say it and she hadnt expected it to slip out. I looked around at the ground, anywhere but at her.
Tina : Bette, do you feel the same, do you still love me ?
Bette : Oh my God, how could she not know that ? Tina, I never stopped loving you, I love you with all my heart, Im sorr.
Tina : Bette, can I ask you something ? Please do not keep apologizing
Bette : Tee, can I say something and I will promise to try and not keep apologizing, you know I just feel so bad
Tina : Bette, please, say whatever it is, thats why we are here together.
Bette : I go and sit down next to Tina, I take her hand. Tee, I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry I went outside our marriage. I am sorry for all this (I hang my head and raise both hands in a gesture of helplessness). Tee.
Tina : Bette, please stop, stop blaming yourself..
Bette : Please Tina, let me finish and I will not say it again
Tina : OK Bette, go on
Bette : I embarrassed both of us, I did not treat you or our relationship with the respect it or you deserve. In the process I humiliated you and me. I am so ashamed after my preaching about monogamy. I understand your anger. I want to work this out with you and build a future for us and put this behind us. Not forget because we can t make the same mistakes again but I do want to move on, together. Tee, can you forgive me ?
Tina : Bette, I would be lying if I said you were completely forgiven
I let go of Tinas hand and start to get up. Bette, dont you move, I let you say your piece and heard you out, you will do the same.
Bette : Sorry.
Tina : Bette ! STOP apologizing
Bette : Tee, go on. I sit there resting my elbows on my knees, next to Tina under the shade of this big old tree. It is the only comfort afforded to me at the minute. I look down at the rug, hanging my head. I am such a fool.
Tina : As I was saying, I would be lying if I said you were completely forgiven Bette. I just cannot say that to you now. I am trying though Bette to forgive you and I have come along way. I have moments of anger but I am not perpetually angry with you. Bette, listen to me because I will say this only once to you. What you say is right, you hurt me Bette, more than you can know. I was embarrassed and humiliated. I could not believe you would do something so disrespectful. But having said that they are some things I need to say to you.
Bette : Tears are falling and I dont bother to move to wipe them away. I am just listening to what Tina is saying.
Tina : Bette, can you look at me, please ?
I always thought when the end of anything came Id be able to look it in the eye, death, fear but here I am struggling to look at the woman I love, listening to those words..I feel the softest warmest hand under my chin.
Tina : Bette, please ?.
Bette : I look up and look into Tinas eyes. I deserve whatever she is about to say. I owe her the courtesy of looking at her.
Tina : Bette, if you ever do that again, look to a third party, I WILL leave you and I WILL not come back, no negotiation. Are we clear ?.
Bette : I look at this woman saying nothing, but my eyes saying it all, I am pleading for forgiveness which I know she is not yet able to grant me. Yes I barely whisper.
Tina : Bette, I want to apologize to you for some things too.
Bette : Tee, no
Tina : Bette.. Its a warning. I am quiet. Bette I made mistakes too. I shut you out after the miscarriage. I punished you with silence when we fought. I wont apologize for trying to surprise you with the pregnancy but perhaps it is a decision we should have made together the second time around. I should have told you Bette, it was wrong to hide it. I want to apologize for entertaining the idea of the revenge ***** and leaving you. There are other things to Bette but maybe thats enough to make a start Tina nudges me playfully. I manage a smile.
Bette : Apology accepted Tee.
Tina : Bette, why do you never reach out for me, I mean physically since I have been here ? Wouldnt you like to hold me and your child Bette ?
Bette : Oh my God, in a flash I have that woman in my arms, like I might never let go. She sits in front of me and I have my arms around her. I rub her tummy. Perhaps we can work this out, there is a chance. I had forgotten how good she smells, so soft and gentle, her beautiful skin. I talk to the baby in my head. I am your other mommy, I love you so much, we will look after you, I will show you all the art.my thoughts are interrupted.
Tina : Gently she says Bette, I want an answer, why do you never reach out for me ?