She was dying. The probable love of her life. In a matter of moments.. moments scattered throughout days and weeks and possibly months.. she could die.

God, it was too much to try and fathom. How was this happening? To, of all people, her favorite person? The one she loved so much it had made her crazy.

In a severe twist of irony, Alice wished she was crazy again. Sure, crazy meant Dana and Lara. Crazy meant pain, and heartbreak and horrifying embarrassments and lack of self control. Crazy meant not knowing how she could make it through the day. Crazy meant fixating on every first and last moment when Dana had been with her and not the fucking soup chef. But crazy also meant Before This. Before watching her best friend waste away into nothing. Before Dana got sick.

She’d give almost anything to be crazy, and unwelcome, if it meant Dana was happy and healthy again. Jesus, if nothing else this really proved how much she loved her. It felt so pure and cliche, she could barely stand it.

Although, she had to admit in a completely self realized selfish way, it felt good that Dana seemed to need her again. Need her as much as Alice needed her to breathe, to live. And wasn’t that what it was boiling down to? That there was no Alice without Dana. Without Dana, she wasn’t sure how to function. She couldn’t function.

Six months. Those six months that had gone by after the break up.  At that stage she’d still been hopelessly and head over heels in love with someone who’d left her for an ex. She’d needed closure, after all, and Alice was suffocating the ferret, or the mouse, or whatever the hell thing she was killing with too much love. She’d never felt that way before though, never felt so extremely for one person that all sense of dignity and self control completely left the building, left her this strange empty shell who needed that one specific person to be able to function at all.

Fuck, it all just sucked so much.

Dana couldn’t die. Every fiber of her being was screaming this out every second of her existence. Dana can’t die. Dana won’t die. It’s not how it’s meant to be. She’ll pull through this. She’ll be happy again. We’ll be happy again, somehow. Because some small shred of her refused to actually believe that she would have to live in a world without Dana Fairbanks.