Just as she was getting over her, too…

Life felt suddenly small. Fear had become the whole universe. Funny how there are billions of people on the planet, and yet the threat of the death of just one of them left her with an ache so deep inside her she wanted to disappear too. She wanted to hold Dana’s hand, and never let it go. She wouldn’t, either, if she died because of this. Uta was insane, or perhaps just one of those rational types, to suggest that Alice could ever let Dana go. It would be akin to cutting out her heart and believing that she could go on living without it. Maybe, if Dana did die, she would move on and find love again one day but… but she would never let go of Dana. Ever. She was that ultimate love she’d been searching for.

Mother. Mother. Fucker.

Helplessness, she decided, was the worst feeling in the entire world.

On the plus side, if there was one, the threat of death seemed to put everything into perspective somewhat. The trivial things washed away, the day to day things that kept her mouth moving most of the time with complaints or wants. Even the desire to have Dana be with her, and love her only, and for always, took a backseat to the desire just to have Dana be. She wanted to bargain with God, but she didn’t believe in him. She sent out her desperate pleas anyway, hoping against hope that something or someone would listen to her. She pleaded to let Dana survive, and marry Lara and raise thousands of cats. She pleaded to let Dana survive, and marry a man and have thousands of babies. She pleaded to let Dana survive, and hate her, and move to Uzbekistan and farm goats. She pleaded to let Dana survive and be happy, and safe, in any way.

Eventually, she pleaded that should the end come, should survival no longer be an option, that Dana didn’t die in pain. Or alone. And at the darkest times of the night, when she lay awake fearing a possible phone call that would change her life forever, she pleaded that if Dana had to leave, well, could she leave too?

But every night she got through uninterrupted meant getting up in the morning that little bit more resolved, and that little bit stronger that Dana could make it. That Dana wouldn’t leave, after all, that Dana would stay right here.

In the end, for Alice, there was no other option she would accept.