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Sanctuary – L Word Behind the Scenes
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And then she lost me and I think she really believed it had happened. I did, too, and then I didn’t, but my stubbornness and if I’m honest, a stupid sense of habit had overtaken me whenever I had talked with her.
I slide my key card into the gate that leads to the production offices. I flip the mirror down to see my reflection before my meetings begin. This necklace she gave me for my birthday four years ago. This car I bought from the money Joyce dug out of her. I slept in her bed last night.
I’ve given her no room for being human, and instead treated her like a monster. My phone rings. It’s Aaron the studio chief. My day begins -again.
The Cathedral of Angels, 3:58pm –Tina
I hear her before I see her. And she’s early. Odd. She’s never early. I thought surely I had a few more minutes to myself. I’ve got too much to think about with difficult personalities at work and now my guilt about her is overwhelming me.
I have picked out the candle I want. I wasn’t sure she would come today. We didn’t talk about it last night or this morning either. But of course she would be here. It’s another always thing with us.
The cathedral tower begins to strike four o’clock We have come here once again to stand for a few minutes under a marble statue of a tremendous angel and light a candle for the baby we lost.
“The bells always sound so beautiful inside here don’t they?” She asks.
“Yes, they do.” We stand silently for a moment and hear the last tone of them die away far above us in the wooden beams and rafters of the immense cathedral. The sun reflects through old stained glass along the aisles brightening the interior’s natural gloaming. I lean up to kiss her cheek. She holds my arms.
“Did you pick out the candle you want to light? Is it this one?” She picks up a tall white candle that should burn all week.
“We should light it together.”
“What would you like to say this year? Anything? If not, we can just be silent. Anything’s fine, Tina. Whatever you want to do is fine.”
“Do you want to light one for Melvin?”
“No, I didn’t come for him. This is for us. What we do.” She says as I feel a tear fall I can’t catch. She steps closer. See what I’ve done? Never before would she have hesitated.
“Yes, please.” I lean against her and more tears come. Again she doesn’t cry.
“I’m sorry.” I weep against her jacket.
“I know. I know you are.” She sweeps her hand down my hair and behind my ear until I stop crying.
We look up at the immense angel beside us. Her face is golden then white reflecting the hundreds of candles burning at her feet. Her ten foot sword of marble is pierced into the earth above her the heavens.
We put our flames together and light the wick of the candle.
“The baby would have been loved.” Bette says, “We would have loved this baby fiercely.” I hear emotion in her voice.
”Bette, we have to do better. I want to do better.”
“So do I, T. I absolutely do.”
We stay for a few minutes more and then walk silently through the church and back out into the daylight. We say goodbye on the steps and soon I see her drive away.
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L Word Behind the Scenes Bette Porter Tina Kennard stories continue here and @Blackbird_Write
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Such a heart breaking story. I loved it so much.
Really liked this, particularly the Scene in the Church.
Story also explains Tina’s comment in the Elevator about liking to stay in on New Year’s Eve!
Beautiful but sad. Tina’s memories need to haunt her – she was self-consumed and couldn’t know to grieve with Bette instead in parallel. They so belong together. Hopefully, more reflection and memories will jar them out of their fog of separation.
Thanks BB!
It is good that Tina is realizing that Bette will attract many admirers now that she is single again. I hope she will cherish the memories of happier times and remember why she fell in love with Bette. They need to come together like they did at church to grieve and talk about the son they lost. That was heartbreaking.
Hey BB…such a heart breaking post. My heart broke into a thousand pieces n then those pieces broke into a thousand more. This post is a real tear jerker. Tina is realizing what she has lost n that Bette can/will find a life w/o her; but they still belong together.. both will not feel complete until they find their way back to each other. There’s no other way, hopefully. Thx BB for the tear jerker n page turning post…you have outdone yourself again my fav writer! Keep up the gr8 work!!!…..(finally got it what Tina meant about staying in on New Year’s eve while they were trapped in the elevator.)
I simply loved this chapter! this is the right word! It was really very heartbreaking, but beautiful as well.
The pain and sorrow will passing with time. Love is the driving force behind so much of everything in life but the pain too.
the moment the Church was very nice, it’s what they should have done: to mourn together.
Tina knows what she’s lost, the question is what she will do that get it back? :) I hope both of them are willing to talk to each other and see that love is there.
Thank you for this.
a great heartwarming story between Bette and Tina, their love for each other, and looking back those memories has bring them closer. once you have your full heart of love for one person in your life then it will always be there regardless how it ended. i cant wait for your next story…. great job!!!
Beautiful but sad….And she’s regretting her life now without Bette…
Living in Arizona as my name suggests, I often see hummingbirds. I have a sugar feeder outside my kitchen window. They are beautiful, ethereal creatures but they are very territorial and can be very bold and belligerent considering their size. Their wings can beat 1,000 times in a minute just hovering, not really getting anywhere. The males are particularly beautiful. The mask (gorget) on their chin and throat is black in shadow and iridescent hot pink when the sun hits it in at a particular angle. Anna’s Hummingbird is the species that is common in my area. Their behavior is similar to our girls, jealous and territorial of their mates when other males make a play for the female but usually the male doesn’t pay too much attention to the females or their relationship. The males don’t participate in nest building, nest maintenance or raising of the young. But they are just stunningly beautiful. Sometimes in RL we don’t expect much from good-looking people and we forgive their transgressions more quickly than average-looking folks. This chapter shows their iron bond but also their laziness in nurturing their relationship. It’s complicated. Brava to you.
I wrote this long comment and it never appeared. Boo Hoo!!
(I’ll try to reconstruct it but I don’t know if it’ll be as cohesive.) Here goes:
I live in Arizona as my name suggests. I often see hummingbirds as they live here year round. In fact, I have a sugar water feeder installed on the outside of my kitchen window. Hummers are fascinating, beautiful, ethereal creatures. They beat their wings as much as 1,000 times per minute. Beating their wings like crazy but never going anywhere, just hovering. The male of a species called Anna’s Hummingbird has a mask on his throat and chin feathers (gorget) that in shade looks black but in bright sunlight, at the proper angle, his gorget becomes this iridescent, hot pink. Hummingbirds in general are extremely fierce and territorial. They will dive bomb you if you get near their food supply. The males are beautiful but lazy. They don’t build the nest, maintain the nest or nurture their mates or their relationship.But we often excuse their shoddy behavior b/c they are beautiful. Don’t we forgive good-looking people (like a Bette Porter) b/c of their good looks more easily than an average -looking person? Did you ever notice how friends say that the person they are trying to match you with, has a great personality which is usually code for this person is homely or nothing special.? Do average-looking folks have to develop their personalities b/c they can’t command a room on looks alone? Maybe, Bette didn’t work on her relationship w/Tina b/c Tina always forgave Bette for her slights or transgressions toward Tina. Bette’s the whole package: looks, brains, personality, charisma. She never really had to work on their relationship. It was all so easy until she committed the ultimate, unforgivable transgression. In the beginning and for a good number of years into the relationship, it was smooth sailing until it wasn’t. Is Bette shallow or just thoughtless when it comes to her relationship w/Tina? I love how you write flashbacks and conjure up a past remembrance (just like Proust) that connects the past with the present.
I wrote it again and it wouldn’t post but I saved it.
I’ll try to reconstruct it but I don’t know if it’ll be as cohesive.) Here goes:
I live in Arizona as my name suggests. I often see hummingbirds as they live here year round. In fact, I have a sugar water feeder installed on the outside of my kitchen window. Hummers are fascinating, beautiful, ethereal creatures. They beat their wings as much as 1,000 times per minute. Beating their wings like crazy but never going anywhere, just hovering. The male of a species called Anna’s Hummingbird has a mask on his throat and chin feathers (gorget) that in shade looks black but in bright sunlight, at the proper angle, his gorget becomes this iridescent, hot pink. Hummingbirds in general are extremely fierce and territorial. They will dive bomb you if you get near their food supply. The males are beautiful but lazy. They don’t build the nest, maintain the nest or nurture their mates or their relationship.But we often excuse their shoddy behavior b/c they are beautiful. Don’t we forgive good-looking people (like a Bette Porter) b/c of their good looks more easily than an average -looking person? Did you ever notice how friends say that the person they are trying to match you with, has a great personality which is usually code for this person is homely or nothing special.? Do average-looking folks have to develop their personalities b/c they can’t command a room on looks alone? Maybe, Bette didn’t work on her relationship w/Tina b/c Tina always forgave Bette for her slights or transgressions toward Tina. Bette’s the whole package: looks, brains, personality, charisma. She never really had to work on their relationship. It was all so easy until she committed the ultimate, unforgivable transgression. In the beginning and for a good number of years into the relationship, it was smooth sailing until it wasn’t. Is Bette shallow or just thoughtless when it comes to her relationship w/Tina? I love how you write flashbacks and conjure up a past remembrance (just like Proust) that connects the past with the present.
still wouldn’t post. But I saved it. What can I do? Maybe it was too long? Is there a character limit on comments?