”Who wouldn’t be the one you love? Who wouldn’t stand inside your love?”

**

“I though you would kill me” she murmurs, observing me in the low light.
The sheets slowly puff while she comes closer and start grazing my forehead.
“Actually I was considering the idea… but just for a minute” I confess chucking briefly, “Then I just wanted you to be in my arms”.
“I know I disappointed you, I know I couldn’t have acted worse than that” she says bitterly. She looks so tired, so devastated.
I need to think about it for a while before answering. And while I’m silent, I feel her body growing tense under my fingers.
“…Shane… I think you’ve been great…”.
She looks at me, and her greenish eyes seem doubtful, questioning now. Unsure.
“…Not because you left, obviously. That wasn’t fair”, I add smiling sweetly, trying to dismantle her tension. “…But because you came back. I think that… just having the courage to look me straight in the eye after what had happened, you’ve disintegrated one of your greatest and most powerful inner walls”.
She slowly shakes her head. “I wanted to see you. I wanted to tell you that I was sorry, that I am sorry. That I’ve been an idiot. That I don’t want to be without you”.
Something inside of me blooms. I clear my voice trying to keep control. “Alright. Now all you have to do is to convince yourself that your coming back means that a part of you knows how to deal with this. A part of you really wants this”.
“This marriage?” she asks, almost silently.
“No… Love”, I answer, brushing her lips.

“I was scared to hurt you more staying than leaving” she says after a long silence.
“Alice told me about what your father did. I am sorry for that, and I am mad at him because of what he said to you. I am mad at him for interfere with your life – with our lives – because he’s never been there for you. He is the last person on Earth able to give you advice. He didn’t even know your face before you met him in Portland” I consider.
“I am mad at myself for listening his bullshit” she interrupts me with a pale reflex of anger in her tired eyes.
I sigh.
“The only thing I would like you to do is to let me be the one to decide what’s best for me”.
She closes her eyes tightly, like my words are too painful to be listened. “I am so sorry, Carmen”.
The only thing I can do is embracing her. I can feel her heartbeat against my breast, her breath grazing my neck.
“You know… while you were… away, I’ve had time to think about a lot of things. The last months have been hectic, have been crazy and extremely hard. We both have made a lot of mistakes. You know yours, but I had never considered mine…”.
She kisses the palm of my hands, repeatedly. “What do you mean?”.
“I’ve been judgemental, sometimes. I’ve been pouty more than my nature normally allows me to be. I should have talked more with you –“.
“We both should have”.
“…Yeah, probably” I admit. “We should have discussed more about our fears, our doubts. We have this great ability of understanding each other without talking, but sometimes it’s not enough. Making love is not enough, communicating silently is not enough, when things get complicated…”. A single tear rolls down my cheek. Immediately, Shane kisses it away and there’s so much pain in that kiss that I almost break to pieces.
“And also… I lied to you”, I add after a long pause.
She narrows her eyes and stares at me, waiting for me to elaborate.
I swallow hard.
“I’ve never cheated on you, Shane”, I confess, “I told you I did it because I wanted to hurt you. I wanted you to feel the way I felt. And anyway, that lie was not the solution. I am sorry, sweetheart… You can’t imagine how sorry I am”.
She clenches her jaw, but there’s no anger in her eyes. There is just awareness. Her now vulnerable, open eyes are simply aware and full of emotion.
“You don’t have to apologize, Carm. I’m the only one who started the whole mess” she murmurs with a soft voice, and an even softer kiss on my lips.
“I love you so much” I say, starting to cry.
“Can we start again? Clean slate?” she asks, repeating a question that I have used just a couple of months ago without much success.
I smile and sob at the same time. “I so wanted you to ask that”.
She interrupts me with a kiss. A sweet, deep, intense, tongue-touching kiss.
“We’ll communicate more. I promise. I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want to miss anything of you, at any level”.
“I don’t want to lose you either. I really don’t. Shane, I…” and the words slip away as I find myself pierced to those eyes.
“I love you, Carmen” she says, “And I don’t want to be lost anymore”.
She comes closer, closer, and hides her head in the crook of my neck.
“Marry me, tomorrow” she demands.
“I don’t want you to marry me because you’re afraid to lose me” I say, slipping my fingers through her dark hair.
“The only reason why I want you to marry me is because I love you, and I want to be yours, totally. And I want the best for the two of us. Everything in my mind is clear now”, she answers, while she starts caressing my naked body under the sheets.
I moan at the contact.
“Are you sure?” I ask, while my body relaxes under her touch.
“I’ve never been so unquestionably true or real or not in doubt in my entire life” she states, looking me straight in the eye.
I sigh, for the millionth time tonight, and I cup her face.
“Make love to me, please…”.