Part 22

The escape… in the mirror

But it doesn’t work. I can’t clean you. The more hastily I drank the wine, the… it is, as if it would know, what I intend with that and intentionally turned around this effect. Am I completely gone crazy now? Now I also think that my wine turns against me too. How crazy is that? My heart is so heavy, not the thoughts, not the feelings, nothing of all that can be washed away, even, if I emptied the whole bottle. Do you remember, we always joked a little bit about it? You worried about me, because I was late a few minutes. I always said, that there was a traffic jam or a call, I could not fob off. And you said: „Do not give me a fright, please.” You said, your life would be so senseless, so imperfect, and so empty without me. You had already had your second glass of wine. And I asked you, whether you really believed, that it would have gone faster, if you slowly got yourself drunk? So I made you smile and all your worries were always gone. A few hours later at night in bed, I had nearly already fallen asleep. Suddenly you straightened up, turned to me and said: „Maybe not faster, but if I’m drunk enough, I could see you together with me and the world is perfect!” We laughed tears. Yes, Bette, you could do that particularly well, to answer a question or a situation later, out of the blue on, completely incoherent… That made each of these remarks to a funny insider and took any tensions from the moment.

LonelyHeart had reminded me of you. How she wrote, the thoughts she had. The secret that surrounded her, a secret that in her opinion was so bad, so shameful, that she rather hid it, than talk about. You tried so often to protect me from the bad things, to keep me far away of unpleasant things and negative experiences, to handle it alone, to bear the load alone. Did you really believe I wouldn’t notice, when something was wrong, when something burdened you? Yes, you were firmly convinced of that, that I couldn’t see it. And you took great pains to keep up this illusion, although I had already seen through you.