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The Very Thought of You, Chapter 15
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The tears started, and her voice caught in her throat as she rasped, “I wish you didn’t have to go. This day has been life altering, and suddenly it has to end, and I don’t want it to. Ever.”
“But it has to.” It was killing me to have to say it, to have to bring reality into the safe haven we’d so successfully created. But what else could I do? I had commitments. I had obligations. There were rules by which people are supposed to operate, and this didn’t fit any of them. And there was Henry. “There’s reality outside of all of this. There are people other than us who have to play a factor. I have a boyfriend. I can’t-“
“-I know. But I wish you would.”
“I wish I could. But he’s my best friend and my companion and-“
“-I can be whoever you need me to be.”
“I know.” I was sobbing. I got it, now. I got what the poets wrote about, what the singers sang about. But at the same time, it came down to was I brave enough to walk away from a sure thing, from a perfectly laid out life for a chance at having something great. I wasn’t. “But it’s so much more complicated than all of that, than just walking away. There are expectations and obligations and family and people who get hurt. And none of this makes sense.”
“I don’t think it’s supposed to, not if it’s really great.” Tears raced down her face as I did my best to tenderly wipe them away.
“I just can’t.”
“I know.”
I quickly pulled her into my arms, a feeling of peace briefly settling over me even as my heart broke. We silently held each other as sobs wracked our bodies. We seemed to understand, even in that moment of surrender, that not only had we let something rare and exquisitely divine slip through our fingers, but also, somehow, that this would be the last time we’d meet. I felt, too, that it was the beginning of an end. I could almost sense her pulling away and into herself, protecting her tattered and scarred heart as she once told me she tried to do. The sobbing slowed, the tears decreased to a trickle. She pulled back slightly, not letting go and attempting a smile.
“You better get going or you’ll miss your train.”
I wanted to suggest I catch a later one, that we stay and get dinner, talk more, but the refusal already lingered in her voice. The warmth turned cool, the heated love and passion of mere minutes ago pulled back behind her protective barricades. For her, it really was all or nothing. Perfection or a blank canvas to shape in a different image. And I understood. After all, I had Henry.
The walls behind her eyes cracked briefly as she tenderly kissed my cheek. I wanted to turn and taste her lips just once, as so often I dreamed of, but I knew it wasn’t playing fair to take a prize I’d deprived myself of.
“Don’t forget me,” she uttered as she stepped back and turned to go.
“I won’t remember anything else,” I whispered under the rattle of the fallen leaves rustling across the cement.
The train ride back was close to unbearable and far too short as I soon found myself once again surrounded by familiar faces that left me no time to mourn my ignorance or dismal loss. I hadn’t merely given up the love of my life or utter happiness or even perfection. I’d given up a friend, a late night companion. I’d given up the dream she had so clearly articulated. And I’d killed hers, too.
I know I let her down. I know she depended on me to find a way to fix things from my side; her way was clear to finding a happy medium for us. I love my children and don’t regret their existence for a moment, but I know now that they should have been ours. I love my husband, and he’s a wonderful man, but I know she was the one I was meant to spend my life with.
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1st?
I know it’s not the end, but it still hurts.
Wow, living with regrets can be brutal. Maybe Tina needs to focus a little on the positive of her life and the things see truly enjoyed in living with Henry. But then, that’s not what this story is about (LOL). PPS
Wow, my friend this one gave me the chills and I wanted to yell at them to just take the chance even though I knew they weren’t going to. Your writing makes it all seem so real and I guess it is in some ways for some of us. I only hope that Tina will take the chance and look for her love because it isn’t too late. Please take care of yourself NY. Oh and just to let you know I do love surprises. LOL!!
You NY, have managed to bring a tear to my eye coupled with the fact that Norah Jones rendition of “Time after Time” is playing softly in the background creating a melancholy that just makes me feel it even more. Well in the words of Bette Porter, “it’s never too late”, I hope that this is true here in this story.
that was so heartbreaking. *sigh* hopefully there’s still a way for them to be together. loved the ‘imagine me and you’ reference, it was perfect.
oh shyt i hate tina now….pleasz make her go to bette..now
heartbreaking…that line ” i won’t remember anything else” is one of my favorites and so apt for this chapter.
It wasn’t just Bette that Tina let down. I hope Bette was able to fill that blank canvas with something, rather than the nothing I’m starting to fear she got. Another great one, NY, thanks.
Sigh. This is heartbreaking to read. The line that stood out to me the most (for various reasons): When Tina said ‘After all, I had Henry’ Thank you, NY, looking forward to the next one
That hurt. Tina is throwing true love away for a conventional, boring and unfulfilling life. I find her behaviour rather exasperating! It somehow makes me feel she deserves to be unhappy, since she is being so stupid!
Damn… that was hard! I am guessing you like “Imagine Me & You”, me too. Fab film – and Lena Headey… phew!! ‘I won’t remember anything else…’ No she won’t!
OMG!!! That was so heartbreaking! Babe I hope- I really hope- in fact I’m praying really hard over here that there’s a way you’re gonna write these 2 back together! If not then I stand steadfastly by the comment I just left on your chapter 14!!! PPS! You’re doing such a great job!
Tina’s “I let her down” doesn’t do it justice at all. I was listening to Madonna’s song I’m So Stupid from her American Life album (clearly not her best work) and it really fits, one of the lines is “stupider than stupid”. I don’t know, I guess you have to be Tina to let Bette go even if she knew Bette “was the one” she “was meant to spend my life with”. That said, I can’t wait to find out what happens next!!… Oh, and I hope you’ll feel better soon!
If only she would. thanks
They say its never too late. You left so much unanswered. Are they still in touch, though it doesn’t appear that way. At this juncture in her life Tina really needs to go find Bette, odds are she’s still waiting. I’ve found that regardless of who we end up spending our life with, if that one person is out there, the one you didn’t risk being with even though you knew deep down inside that they were the one, then at some point you’ve got to fight for it.