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The Very Thought of You, Chapter 8
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All I wanted was easy, uncomplicated. I wanted a typical life with a plan. She offered too many variables, added adventures where I was blinded by book clubs. She produced desire and daydreams where Henry offered comfortable and plain. I wanted what she presented too much, and yearning that strong scared me.
I also felt a little guilty because of our age difference. For friends, five years was nothing, especially when you take into account her friendship with her old high school instructors. But, romantically, I felt a little like a cradle robber. I questioned if she knew what she really wanted, if she could handle having a family sooner because of my age. Basically, I considered things that would mean nothing until we met and saw if we had any chemistry at all, and I tried to forget that some of the things I loved most about her were her maturity, stability, independence and level headedness, all skewed by her innate playfulness.
Summer wound to an end and our communication returned to the frequency we’d left it at at the end of the term, on an everyday basis. Hers had come to a rocky end with her dad landing in the ICU the day before he was supposed to go to New York with her to move her back into her dorm. When things got bad, she pulled back into herself, removed herself from her mind so she could take a pragmatic stance and get done the necessary tasks. In a day, she rearranged her travel, shipped everything she was going to pack in his luggage, visited her dad, cleaned her room, and readied herself for her first fall at Vassar. Frankly, I was in awe. I know if it had been me, I would have cancelled my travel until it could go according to plan. She shrugged it off, saying, “It’s what we do; we just keep pushing forward.” When I spoke to her on the phone the night she got back to New York, she sounded tired, worn down from travel and little sleep, but generally normal, managing jokes and a few stories. We said goodnights, and she settled in for two days alone in a double hotel room.
My constant thought those two days was that I should drive to Poughkeepsie and help her, be the knight in shining armor she so desperately needed. Convention and my commitment to Henry told me not to, even though it would be within the bounds of friendship. I should have gone without hesitation, should have done what my heart cried out for me to do. I should have done what I know she would have done for me.
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I can’t believe she wouldn’t go to Bette. Well, I can, but it still makes me so frustrated… I just want to like, totally shake Tina ’til she gains some sense. Gaaahh! Yeah, I’ve been even more totally sucked into the story. Thanks for posting another so soon, NY.
OMG,I cannot believe the torment was going on for years. Also can’t wait for them to actually meet, well that is presuming that they ever do. You make me feel like were watching Tina and Bette in reverse. First she was with Henry then Bette. Whether its your story or S4, Tina is so f—-d up. By the way loved your reference to “Imagine Me And You” a few chapters back. You know, the lily, ” I dare you to love me”. Love that.
Jesus. Like Jobadge said, this is sometimes very very VERY tough to read. Just caught up and decided to join your league of fans :) I think you’re seeing comments from only a small fraction of the number of people who’re identifying with your story, dear NY. Thanks for this. Eagerly waiting for more
Sometime people love the idea of romance and the idea of being in love more than the actual thing…is this what Tina is doing? Cause she ain’t doin a damn thing else to amount to anything, and I am frustrated…lol. More torture please.
NY, you know how much I love this story and I always look forward to your posts. Sometimes the fear of the unknown versus what we know paralyzes us and we just stay with what we know because it is safer. It looks like Tina is really ready to seek out Bette and see if there is still that connection. The saying better late than never may apply here. I hope Tina takes a chance even though it has been so so many years. Thanks and please keep writing, NY because you are a very talented writer.
Hi NY. I caught up with this intriguing story – finally. Damn, you’re productive – not that I’m complaining or anything… LOL. Tina is in so much trouble here… and so fickle. It would drive me crazy if I was Bette. Bette’s got patience in this story… that’s a new one, NY LOL… I feel Tina’s claustrophobia when she’s describing her life with Henry in the suburbs. I wonder if she knows that her life is HER responsibility… she seems so unfulfilled (and bitter about that). I can’t wait to find out what caused her come to this place. NY, your story is so beautifully written… I hang on your every word. Thank you.
I hope I never end up in Tina’s shoes. I think I would poke my eye out.
Has Tina had these feelings for 30 years and are have been going through this turmoil for the entire time. If so, I don’t think she will ever make this change. I’m sure she had many excuses, like she could leave Henry, then she couldn’t take the kids away from Henry. Well now the kids are grown, and she’s still just living with a memory. When is she going to do something about the life she seems to hate so much? Has she keep in touch with Bette all these years. Is Bette available? I really can’t feel sorry for Tina, because she’s not doing anything to make her situation better. Whether she chooses to stay or leave, she needs to stop living in the past and move forward. Great story, with lots of unanswered questions.
This is the 2nd time posting a comment. Anyways Tina did what she thought was best for her. Hindsight is 20/20 and Tina is now full of regrets thinking of what coulds, shoulda happened. what is troubling here is that she continues to live in her mundane and dreadfully unhappy life in the burbs. She needs to start living in the present and do what makes her happy. But can she abandon all fear, the same fear that kept her from running off with Bette? 30 years is a long time to be fearful and I am not sure if she would be so quick to do it. I hope so, even if she does not end up with Bette. I am very anxious as to how this is going to end. Something tells me there is going to be a twist at the end. Post soon.
This is really tough to read sometimes!! Great, but tough!
Tina, it’s time to act!
geez tina’s slow on the uptake, huh???