"… I will never love another …" I’m just breathing softly now, and I feel her squirm against my fingers, but in the most delightful way. I can see when I turn that she’s arguing with herself whether or not to allow me this moment. To ease her decision, I bring my lips closer and suck on her ear. When she moans again, I hear the shift and suddenly I feel her hand on my arm. She’s not pulling my hand away – she’s pushing it further into her pants. I could cry, this moment is so beautiful, but instead I slide further into her – deeper. I feel so connected with her like this, and as she whispers one letter aloud, my tears fall.

"T …"

I don’t let my emotions slow me down, and I move with more enthusiasm as she turns her head to each side. Both eyes closed and as beautiful as ever, this is the image I will remember on those lonely nights. This beautiful expression of the love we have for one another – so true it wins out even in the most disastrous of situations.

Usually, she tops me and enjoys my submission, but with the few times I’ve really taken control, she’s been ecstatic. I can see her pleasured joy with my powerful control now, and she can hardly refuse it. She needs this, and I will give it to her. I would give her my heart all over again in this moment, even knowing the sorrow that would follow.

"Why? … Why?" she whispers, and I know she doesn’t expect an answer. I push my fingers into her hard with one hand while I slip my other arm under her, steadying myself and burying my head in her hair. I don’t want her to see me cry. "Why?" Each whisper is softer than the last, and it’s shattering. I try hard to maintain speed and strength through my own tears.

Unexpectedly, she flips me with my hand still down her pants. She’s unzipping the front and grabbing my hair before I even know what’s happened, and she pulls me up for a strong kiss. Tongues start pushing against each other while her fingers grasp harder around the back of my neck – jesus this is hot. I wish so desperately this had all been some awful dream and I could wake up now, next to her. Unharmed.

"I’m sorry," I hear myself whisper, crying softly now. I can’t control my own tears, and I don’t care. Crying won’t change anything, and I can feel my shoulder’s wet, so I know she’s crying too.

"Tina," she cries out, agonized.

She’s trembling now, and I’m losing my own strength at seeing her collapse this way. Soon enough, she isn’t even hovering over me – she’s falling ontop of me, sobbing.

"I’m sorry," I hear myself whispering, over and over. "I’m so sorry."

All I can think about while she falls apart in my hands is how she’ll never be able to forgive me, and how I wouldn’t deserve such a sympathetic gesture. And still I know I’ll never give up the fight. Five years or fifty years later, I’ll never give up. I will prove to her every day I’m alive that this was the biggest mistake, and I’d take it back if I could. After all, my heart belongs to Bette.

These last moments she allows me to hold her mean everything to me, and for the smallest glimpse of time, I’m at peace. We’re both miserable, but the truth is out, and I can feel her pain. I wish I could take it away from her, but I know that’s absurd. I just bask in this ray of possibility, and hold her to me, her beautifully thick hair in my hands. I’m cradling her the way she needs to be held, thinking to myself that one day she’ll see past this. One day I can hold her like this again. I will fight to win her back.