”Hold me
And never let me go
Feel Me
I Love you, yes I do
Take my hand
As long as we’re together
I know our love is here to stay”*

**

It seems like my entire life is becoming a perpetual déja-vu.
Carmen is sleeping again, on her stomach, right in the middle of our undone bed. She’s exhausted, but her beautiful face looks so relieved, so relaxed. Again.
I pick up a pillow from the floor and smile.
Jeans and a tank top on, naked feet, I get out the room silently and go directly to the kitchen.
My black velvet jacket is on the couch. I rummage through the pockets and there it is.
The file I was looking for.
I sit down at the table and unfold it in the dim light of the night.
It’s a faxed document and it belongs to L.A. Police Dept.
As a first thing, they photographed the crime scene and a lump suddenly locks my stomach.
The yellow strips. Do not cross – crime scene.
A knocked over shelf. Colored candies everywhere on the floor.
And then a close up of my wife’s blood. On the floor. Like those candies.
Red, red blood. Red blood and I think about that fragment of bullet still stuck into her precious brain. Keeping her – our – precious memories away from her, from me, from us.
A big pool of blood. Too big for my eyes. Too red. I can’t stand it. I turn the page while rage boils inside me like fire.
And then… Him. John James Sanders, age 34, crack addicted, son of a bitch, currently fugitive. In hiding.
Desaparecido.
Carmen’s swaying voice in my ear. I shake my head, my heart beating faster, faster.
Ok. Chill out Shane.
Chill out.
Cool and calm and everything’s gonna be alright.
It’s just your mind playing games with you because you’re upset.
I stare at the picture, narrowing my eyes.
John James Sanders, age 34 and crack addicted has that look in his eyes. That specific, particular look every druggie has. The same look I had, probably, a long time ago.
That look says: I don’t give a fucking shit about anyone and anything, I just wanna get high.
That look says: I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t remember anything.
I bit my lips and taste blood.
Don’t worry man. I’ll make you remember. I’ll make you remember.
You’ll remember everything, I promise.

”Hey God
Why are you doing this to me?
Am I not living up to what I’m supposed to be?
Why am I seething with this animosity?
Hey God
I think you owe me a great big apology.

I need someone to hold on to.
I need someone I need someone.
I need someone to hold on to.
I give you everything.
My sweet everything.
Hey God
I really don’t know who I am.
In this world of piss”**

TBC

**

Notes: italicized words taken from:
* It’s In Your Eyes – Pauletta Washington
** Terrible Lie – Nine Inch Nails

**