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The L Word Series Finale Postmodern Epilogue: A Bette in Hand is Worth Two in a Bush
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“WAAAAIT!”
Screams a somewhat short, fairly well dressed, if overly well dressed for a Sunday afternoon, dark haired woman. She bursts through a room in which Bette Porter and Helena Peabody have shacked up for a weekend of debauchery. As she comes running into the room, she is seen waving contracts in her hand. “COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!” she squeals like an android from a 1970s sci-fi sitcom.
“Ilene…” Bette is out of breath, her hand still inside of Helena who looks absolutely terrified below her. “In the middle of something here…” Helena has good reason to be terrified. One movement from Bette, and it will be all over for her. She stifles a moan as Bette squeezes her thigh reassuringly.
“I NEVER AUTHORIZED THIS!” squeaky android sounds emanate from what Bette and Helena can only guess to be an Ilene Chaiken clone, model 246, second generation.
“Well get over it darling, it’s happening.” Helena raises her head to look at their ‘Creator’. “the fan fiction writers did it mostly, including a few who only wanted to see you fix that mess you made of Tina and Bette.”
“I MADE NOT A MESS!” squeak squeak. “WAS MODEL 10.14, FIRST GENERATION, MADE MESS…I ENFORCE COPYRIGHT!”
With that, the clone throws contracts over Bette and Helena’s naked forms, and storms out the door. “INFRINGEMENT!” she squeaks again. “GRAND PUBA BOSS LADY DOES NOT LIKE BELENA! NO MORE BELENA!” and she sticks out her tongue just before she leaves, seemingly confused as to why she is doing this.
“huh?” Bette mutters. “Baby, where were we…you ok?” But her attempts at bringing Helena back into her body are interrupted when the Boss herself comes running in, a remote control in her hand. Behind her, two of her own clones are waiting subserviently.
“Bette Porter does NOT accept SLOPPY SECONDS!” the real Ilene shouts, laughing at her own joke.
“Awwwww, hey, I hate that term…and I’m NOT sloppy…” Helena cringes, the mood really ruined now. Bette sighs and carefully takes away her fingers. They wrap a sheet around themselves and lay together stubbornly unwilling to separate even when they are threatened with the show’s cancellation.
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Unlike the rest of them, I am sure that I am. In fact, I’m the only thing that is. Solipsism rocks, or doesn’t. Cos if it did I’ve have the next post of this already, having written it myself or something, wouldn’t I? Hmmmm…. Naw, really… clones? There could be a thousand of them running around, and there still wouldn’t be enough of them. And besides, don’t clones get a bit ropey after repeated copying? Like in Multiplicity? Since there are Helena clones… where are the Tina clones? And, the rest? And heaven help us, the clones of Jenny? Explain in the next post!
jp, your questions are far more intelligent than my story. lol
There are Helena clones because she’s to damn good you just can’t have one.
DO NOT CLONE A JENNY ONE IS ENOUGH PLEASE. nOW THE JB LH AND RS JUST SENT A LOT OF THEM TO MY PART OF THE WORLD. Got to thank IC for these wonderful actress,but she did do some dumb things. thanks
Brilliant, loopy stuff as per usual. I will be mulling Helena’s speculation that she might be Plato’s actual cave for some time to come (especially if drugs are involved). The zany IC clones are just like Jenny, personality-wise, which jibes with my theory that the Jenny character has more claim to the title of main IC proxy than Bette ever did. LL and JB on “Dancing with the Stars”? If only you were queen bee of the universe and could make it so, hb.
When do Darryl Hannah, Rutger Hauer and Harrison Ford show up? Wait, why am I asking you when I can’t be sure YOU are real? Who IS writting this story?
…or writing, as the case may be.
Say, don’t actresses get paid precisely to put aside their egos and represent? And of course you’re mad, why state the obvious?
HB-Leave all the Bette clones to Tina. Get rid of Helena clone and send real Helena to real Bette. Then put them on an uncharted island….Send Helena clone to join Bette and Tina clone to start the “Jenny show” off shoot…..You are totally mad(crazy) but as they say(who ever they are) there is a thin line between genious and insanity. Just make sure sofa checks in on you frequently to see what part of the line you are over
hb, all I got to say is you must have some REALLY great shit, and I demand you share immediately! I absolutely bow to you, o mad creator. Forgive me sofa, but hb, I just LOVE ya!!
NO TINA CLONES PERMITTED!! One of Jenny is quite enough as well. Oh, and don’t forget, Kristanna will be making an appearance here also, dealing with the cyborg clones? Perhaps here she and Shane will make it!!
i think tina is already cloned *confused*…i think i had her cloned…and i think her clone is sleeping with bette…no, wait, i can’t remember now! lol
no I am sure you are mistaken. Maybe tina’s clone is sleeping with henry’s clone!! LOL
Zany and oh so fun. I could use a Bette clone myself, she’d be so handy at museums and possibly other times as well, heh.
You’re insane, and I mean that in the most lovable way possible, *wink* .. Squirl, I’m not worried about hb’s mind, I think we’re safe, it’s fun to write madly and cross so many lines you lose track of the beginning and the end, as for Bette clones and ‘Jenny’, the former is ingenious, the latter not so much, reminds me of that spin off “joey” series after the finale of Friends … which was disastrous in a painful way, and we all actually loved Joey, so in the spirit of Jenny hatred, which often makes me feel badly for Mia Kirshner as she’s probably very nice, but makes me think that a ‘Jenny’ spin off series would make people jump willingly, stoned or otherwise, from the top of the Hollywood Sign ….. :)
OMG that was freakin awesome, especially IC haha I’ll never be able to look at her without giggling again I LOVED IT!!