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The L Word Series Finale Postmodern Epilogue: A Bette in Hand is Worth Two in a Bush
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“Hmmmm ditto.” Bette sighs happily. “Hey…” Her face grows concerned. “Where’s the real me, anyway?”
A bar in El Paso…
Jennifer Beals and Laurel Holloman sit on the porch, nursing their beer. Rachel Shelley is back inside with Lucy Lawless and Renee O’Connor, discussing their various fandoms.
“The fans reeeeally like their Tibette…” Laurel says to Jennifer, with a suggestive wiggle of her eyebrows.
“Not all of them.” Jennifer replies with a shrug. “But Ilene and I took care of that.”
“With the clones?” Laurel laughs, then stops suddenly. “Is that ethical? I mean what am I doing right now? How many of me are there, running around the world…what if one of my selves kills someone? Or eats bacon? Or cuts down a tree in the rainforest?”
Jennifer pats her thigh in a friendly sort of way, then suddenly becomes aware of their immense ‘chemistry’, and pulls her hand away. Her mind flickers with the question of why they have such chemistry, but she pushes the question away. Inside, Lucy and Renee are discussing the same issue, while Rachel looks up the meaning of ‘fandom’ on her Mac.
When the others emerge, Lucy sits next to Jennifer and punches her in a friendly sorta way on the shoulder. “So…” Lucy starts, beaming at the others. “Anyone wanna join me in auditioning for Dancing with the Stars?”
Jennifer nearly leaps out of her seat with excitement. They decide to do a drag number, both in tuxedos, and rush away to plan.
A private beach, somewhere in the Caribbean
Bette and Helena walk hand in hand, discussing the ethics of cloning and the nature of existence.
“I know that I love you,” Helena is saying. “But how do I know that what I know is really what I know? Given that I may or may not be self-aware?”
Bette ponders this, or at least tries to, given that her mind is preoccupied with the issue of how to get Helena naked again. “Uhhhh…” She replies. “Do you feel self-aware?” she stares at Helena’s cleavage as she speaks.
“I do.” Helena says with a dejected sigh. “It’s just, ever since I found out that I was a clone, I’ve had this identity crisis…I’ve been reading Plato’s Republic, and wondering if I am that shadow on the cave wall…or if I am the cave itself…”
“Ummhmmm…” Bette stares at her clone girlfriend’s neck now.
“And who is telling this story, I wonder?” Helena looks out to the water as she speaks. “if the show is no longer on air, and we’re not certain that we’re even real…”
“Ummmhmmm…” Bette decides that the soft skin above Helena’s collarbone desperately needs her kisses.
“maybe…” Helena whispers, her eyelids becoming heavy with desire, as her own hands wander up and down Bette’s sides, before cupping her breasts. “If someone tells the story, then that is enough to make it all real…or maybe nothing is real anyway…”
Bette nods as they undress one another hurridly, her lips still pressed to Helena’s neck.
“What’s real is our chemistry.” Bette murmurs. “The rest is conjecture, or subtext, injected into the story for the sake of creating tension…”
And then they decide that postmodernism is as much a waste of intellectual energy as arguments about subtext, and that real or not, they’re far too hot together to waste another second debating it all.
To be continued…in another dimension perhaps…
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Unlike the rest of them, I am sure that I am. In fact, I’m the only thing that is. Solipsism rocks, or doesn’t. Cos if it did I’ve have the next post of this already, having written it myself or something, wouldn’t I? Hmmmm…. Naw, really… clones? There could be a thousand of them running around, and there still wouldn’t be enough of them. And besides, don’t clones get a bit ropey after repeated copying? Like in Multiplicity? Since there are Helena clones… where are the Tina clones? And, the rest? And heaven help us, the clones of Jenny? Explain in the next post!
jp, your questions are far more intelligent than my story. lol
There are Helena clones because she’s to damn good you just can’t have one.
DO NOT CLONE A JENNY ONE IS ENOUGH PLEASE. nOW THE JB LH AND RS JUST SENT A LOT OF THEM TO MY PART OF THE WORLD. Got to thank IC for these wonderful actress,but she did do some dumb things. thanks
Brilliant, loopy stuff as per usual. I will be mulling Helena’s speculation that she might be Plato’s actual cave for some time to come (especially if drugs are involved). The zany IC clones are just like Jenny, personality-wise, which jibes with my theory that the Jenny character has more claim to the title of main IC proxy than Bette ever did. LL and JB on “Dancing with the Stars”? If only you were queen bee of the universe and could make it so, hb.
When do Darryl Hannah, Rutger Hauer and Harrison Ford show up? Wait, why am I asking you when I can’t be sure YOU are real? Who IS writting this story?
…or writing, as the case may be.
Say, don’t actresses get paid precisely to put aside their egos and represent? And of course you’re mad, why state the obvious?
HB-Leave all the Bette clones to Tina. Get rid of Helena clone and send real Helena to real Bette. Then put them on an uncharted island….Send Helena clone to join Bette and Tina clone to start the “Jenny show” off shoot…..You are totally mad(crazy) but as they say(who ever they are) there is a thin line between genious and insanity. Just make sure sofa checks in on you frequently to see what part of the line you are over
hb, all I got to say is you must have some REALLY great shit, and I demand you share immediately! I absolutely bow to you, o mad creator. Forgive me sofa, but hb, I just LOVE ya!!
NO TINA CLONES PERMITTED!! One of Jenny is quite enough as well. Oh, and don’t forget, Kristanna will be making an appearance here also, dealing with the cyborg clones? Perhaps here she and Shane will make it!!
i think tina is already cloned *confused*…i think i had her cloned…and i think her clone is sleeping with bette…no, wait, i can’t remember now! lol
no I am sure you are mistaken. Maybe tina’s clone is sleeping with henry’s clone!! LOL
Zany and oh so fun. I could use a Bette clone myself, she’d be so handy at museums and possibly other times as well, heh.
You’re insane, and I mean that in the most lovable way possible, *wink* .. Squirl, I’m not worried about hb’s mind, I think we’re safe, it’s fun to write madly and cross so many lines you lose track of the beginning and the end, as for Bette clones and ‘Jenny’, the former is ingenious, the latter not so much, reminds me of that spin off “joey” series after the finale of Friends … which was disastrous in a painful way, and we all actually loved Joey, so in the spirit of Jenny hatred, which often makes me feel badly for Mia Kirshner as she’s probably very nice, but makes me think that a ‘Jenny’ spin off series would make people jump willingly, stoned or otherwise, from the top of the Hollywood Sign ….. :)
OMG that was freakin awesome, especially IC haha I’ll never be able to look at her without giggling again I LOVED IT!!