Buzz, buzz, buzz

*****, *****, *****. Whoever that is ***** ringing my buzzer better stop before i do some serious harm. Aggh. I just want to hibernate, disappear under the covers and never face the world again. The thought of just getting out of bed makes my heart drop to my feet and my veins to fill with despair. i’m so tired, my nights are spent tossing and turning, my bed is filled with tear stained photos of Dana. I know this isnt healthy but its my only comfort during the long nights alone. If someone had of told me a year ago that Dana would hurt me so much i would never believed it. Sometimes even now i have a hard time accepting that the pain in my heart was caused by Dana. I wish that buzzer hadnt woken me because my dream, as always was of Dana. It was a happy dream. We were still together, still happy and to be honest that makes it 10 times worse. You see when i have dreams like these, when i wake just for a split second everything is fine and good in the world. I turn to face Dana and wrap my arms around her, but shes gone. Then i realise she hasnt been there for 6 months and all the sadness and hurt comes flooding back and my heart shatters all over again. It reminds me of that film where the man relives the day over and over again, only he learns from his mistakes. For me however its too late to learn and i live the pain over and over again. I’m trapped.

The sound of the buzzer floats backand i resolve to answer it knowing it wont stop until i do. In a daze i get out of bed and walk to the door, i buzz up my annoyer without even seeing who it is, because i dont really care. I open the door and wait.

*****, Helena stands before me in her training gear ready for our yoga. I cant believe its Friday already. I make my apologies and run to get ready. I have time because Helena is always early. She is so because we go through this every week. From Dr.Bradshaw suggested we take yoga for “theraputic” reasons, she comes here, drags me out of bed and we do yoga. I have to admit that although i never want to go when i get here i enjoy it. Its 1 hour in a very long week when i forget all about Dana and just be at peace with myself. As thoughts of Dana take over i find my-self sitting in the corner, tears falling once again. Helena puts a gentle hand on my shoulder and asks if im ok and i am once again grateful for the friendship offered to me, even if i wasnt that nice while she was dating Tina. We stand back to back, arms interlinking and i feel comforted and safe. I cant help but think how my loyalty to Bette clouded my judgement of this sweet, caring women. Of course when we both met at Dr.Bradshaws office i have to admit i was mortified someone like Helena seen me visiting a quack, but then as she said later she was there also so the feeling was mutual. Its funny how i never thought of it that way. Bette of course isnt happy about our friendship, but i know if she just got off her stubborn high horse she would like her. The class wraps up and i talk comfortably with Helena. It still amazes me how natural it is to talk to her. I feel like ive known her a lifetime when in reality ive only really gotten to known her these past 3 months. As she drives us home i can feel my mood dropping as i know im going back to an empty appartment with only my thoughts as company. Then she turns and asks me to go for coffee as if sensing my mood shift. The voice in my head screams yes, ***** yes although all i say is “um yeah, if your sure”. So we head to the planet for coffee and i feel my mood lifting because i have a distraction which i accept with open arms.